when I’m railing against things, and intoxicated, I should probably just ride it out, or write and put it in a text doc. I get that. Had a decent night sleep, accomplished a bit today, trying to find a “healthy balance”… ie, reaching the point that I feel like the one in the driver’s seat of my life. Not sure that’s possible, but that’s the direction I’m moving in.
I just don’t know why. I’m always back in this same cycle. Looking constantly for a way out. I never wanted kids but here I am with a 2 year old now. Maybe if I finish myself now she won’t ever remember me. All those years cutting then stopping for a while didn’t matter if I just cut again. All so my mind can shut up. I will never be anything and now I just want to be nothing.
I dont have anyone to talk to. I don’t want to talk to anyone. But I do. The people I typically would talk to are busy. I don’t really feel like talking to them anyway. I just want to disappear at this point.
Everyone thinks I should get out of this place. They’re probably right. My friend and I have been talking about the future. It makes me happy… But… I can’t… I’m sorry I know… I do want that but for so many reasons I can’t.
I’m still eating but I haven’t changed how much I smoke. I’m drinking off weekends again and I’m debating on […]
I feel anxious every time I leave my house because I feel people can see my every mistake. Then when someone shows me mercy for a mistake is that all they see when they look at me? I am lost, I just want to be erased because clearly I am a mistake. I do not know why we were born to suffer, but I am tired and the pain is heavy. Life or death… I can’t tell the difference anymore.
We see the same dribble in every day life of how certain billionaires get to space on a empire of well fortuned hard work. Of rags to riches celebrities who struck the right chords. People who found online or offline success.
Sucess (snorts), the golden needle in a thread of hay inside a needle stack inside the core of a gas giant inside the bowels of a space whale inside the centre of a black hole inside the perfect alternate reality inside the needle inside the……
And then there are the droves and droves having endless debates and discussions of how to make […]
There’s a monster inside of me.
This monster won’t let me be happy.
It is angry and won’t let me rest.
I am tired, so fucking tired.
I want it all to end.
I can’t control this monster.
But he can control me.
I’m so incredibly alone. And I’ve been like this so long that I can’t imagine being any other way. Even spending time with people I care about just serves to highlight the separation and disconnection. This is me now. I can’t relate to other people – not really. Other people are a threat. I can’t let anyone in. I can’t let my guard down. I can’t be authentic or real, with anyone. It’s just me, and the performance I put on to protect myself. And I’m so fucking sick of both.
My nephew was born today. My family cried with happiness when we got the […]
Just do it!
Today i was going to meet my crush so i told myself today is the day, i’m gonna have to ask my crush out on a date and i did it! Sounds simple…yet there is something that complicates it. You see…she’s my social worker who visits me at home for work related businesses (as is part of her job) and i’m technically a client! I didn’t go out of my way to fancy having a crush on my social worker, but it just happened!
Suddenly a drop dead gorgeous, 5”9-5’10 foot (175-178 CM) tall, blonde hair. blue eyed girl, with (equally as important) a […]
i had my first christmas with my grandfather in forever. and everyone loved my cooking
but i broke a window, a pencil, hit my elbow against the wall (it was a compromise for using my head)
i had an episode christmas morning…… after saying to myself “dont ruin christmas”. i guess i should be thankful it was before anyone showed up and i managed to sort of control it.
but every episode is a reminder why i shouldnt be alive…. no one should have to live like this and i hate that i need help fixing things afterwards…. (looking at the mess just makes it […]
I’ve been on a journey of recovery, so to speak, for a while now. Part of the experience is journaling. Todays entry, as it is scribbled in my small notebook.
Dec 24 2021
Well. Christmas Eve tonight. I went to Eva’s and Brad’s house. I met Lee, Mark and Amber, Em, Jon, Steve, and Pepper, the family dog. We ate brisket, and various side dishes while christmas music played on a stereo. The atmosphere was friendly and happy. I learned that Amber had a run in with a lady at a laundromat. She tried to utilize new found principles of decency to remain calm. I learned that […]
How do I explain to someone that I just don’t want to live? I’m not actively suicidal, I’m not going to intentionally kill myself. But I get a little mad inside when I hear about accidents that happen, illnesses and disasters where someone who didn’t want to die is dead and I’m sitting over here going, “Pick me, pick me, I want to not live”. It feels so unfair. I just don’t want to live anymore; I want to be done. I’m tired. Tired of pain, tired of struggling all of the time, the kind of tired that rest & sleep won’t ever fix. I […]
Over the past eight months I’ve been in the hospital, a residential program, an intensive therapy program, however, I find myself returning to the same emotional place. This reminds me of a poem I read years ago about one person’s descent into madness was symbolized by a raven coming back to him. Each time he lets it fly away it circles back. This is how I am now. Each time I try to work one item to get out of this something else goes wrong. It is like I am playing against a stacked deck. My wife leaving me, my health taking a downturn […]
sometimes I think that I’m so tired and in pain I imagine things. Today I imagined that someone reflected right back at me my suspicions that we are in an age of cruelty, there is no place left for kindness or compassion in this hard old world. Mind, I intend to help people for a bit longer, and so did the man I thought told me the same. Did he though? How could things be so terrible? How could it really be that hopeless?
I was vulnerable, yuck. Kindness is a gentle poison, and I almost felt understood. What if that is illusion as well? I […]
Time for a famous SP “deep” post.
i know of a pretty easy and painless way to kill oneself, i wanna mention it but idk if that’s wrong or not. i know there are some of you who all things considered deserve a way out, but then again there are some young people on here who might just fuck up and… i don’t wanna call it a mistake, but… i just dunno
I feel I’ve been making accounts all day long, for this and that – and finally, this. This site makes for the site of the final breadcrumb I leave tonight. My finger’s been clicking the Mail tab open and closed, trying to get myself to send or delete an email to the school therapist requesting a meeting sometime next week to do some detangling. For fear of opening up or playing David Foster Wallace all too much. And so I came here instead.
I’m happy to come in here and finally leave a little something, too. Now off to sleep – once again frightfully late which […]
It’s never the chronic pain that gets me. I still feel like that could get better someday. It’s not autism either. Not the agoraphobia. Not being nonbinary. Not climate change. It’s usually been unemployment and being held in the jaws of capitalism that makes me want to die. But now I have a job; for the first time, my life seemed like it’d work out. I can just barely afford everything I need and some of what I want. I have things I love doing and I can imagine being successful and accomplished at those pursuits and at my job. My health was even improving […]
i can’t cope without drink in me but it seems like most times i drink i turn into a shitty person. i don’t understand why. every time i start to feel sorry for myself i convince myself that everyone else is just overreacting bc the things they’re upset about are minor. i don’t even know what i do wrong. no one understands, no one tries to understand and that’s what makes me feel like i’m a shit person. idk
Hi, I was passing by again, I was last here about four years ago. Life still going on in a way or another. I originally was here with the same nick but without the numbers. I remember I tried getting a few people from here to chat on a Discord group but not long after I ended up closing the server mostly because (and not because of the people from here) it was somehow too dark and filled with negative vibes to the point me and my two friends couldn’t quite bear it so by mutual decision we ended up closing it after notifying everyone […]