most of the time, i just feel like i’m trapped in some sort of abyss, a limbo, where nothing seems to happen and the emptiness is oppressive. but then, when things happen, they happen all at once and it’s just so much it’s overwhelming.

i need more balance. this is one of those much harder problems it seems. my brain does just one weird insignificant thing and then it confuses me so much that once i actually figure out how to deconstruct it, everything makes sense all over again and i have too much motivation and too many ideas for how to move forward.

stupid brain.

I turn 21 tomorrow, and everyone is so excited and I just want to end it, no more running. I just want peace.

https://youtu.be/koBi1GB0Txc

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do […]

I need relationship advice or I will lose her. It is that simple and complicated at the same time. A lot of my faults have to do with my previous experiences. Experiences that have to do with suicide by others and my own desires in the past as well. I have never made it 100% past those wants or desires………but I can manage those and would not consider myself suicidal at this point nor have I been for a while now.

I lost the summer to ruminations. Why did I stick around for bad people? It was so hard pushing myself forward, but I finally took a step. It feels so much better having that control back.

i feel like a liar. im pretending to be ok but im not. nothing is ok. i moved out and live with my significant other. things have only gotten worse. i feel so alone. i still want to kill myself and i feel trapped in my relationship, my home, my job, everything. i just want to die. i am tired of trying. i dont give a fuck about the world and do not care about seeing it or meeting new people. i want to cut myself so badly until i bleed to death. im such a piece of shit. i dont even make sense. and […]

https://www.forbes.com/sites/alisonescalante/2020/08/11/researchers-doubt-that-certain-mental-disorders-are-disorders-at-all/?sh=1f2e987015a6

Through a rather complicated event, I realized I’ve lost all empathy and feelings of guilt, i don’t know, for the recent few days at least. I don’t know if I’ve been saying sorry for show or not. I’ll go back to normal, probably. I’m okay, I’m not sure about the rest of the family, but, I know I don’t care. How disgusting of a thought. No one should stay happy and normal for such a long time, it’s just not possible, neither do they deserve it. Three days before I turned __, I remember trying to get supplies to kill myself, then 15, tried to […]

I chose this. Mostly unconsciously; I never imagined I’d end up here. But if I’d made different decisions, it seems plausible I could’ve lived a decent life. Not spectacular, but good; meaningful. And instead I chose the myriad of errors that led me here; utterly alone, pathetically desperate, gazing on as others live out what I robbed myself of.

I might question how a younger me came to be so morally bankrupt; to make such terrible choices. Clearly circumstance and innate vulnerabilities played a role. But I don’t think I was destined to be this; I wasn’t born a monster. I made myself into one, choice […]

First, I want to talk about a purely positive thing that came up last night. My wife surprised me and invited all of our friends over to play board games and hang out. That was great, though it did catch me unprepared, but I got steadily buzzed and coasted through fine.

I like thinking about such things as self contained. It’s like a self contained negative event, no need to work it into my predictions. Then one of my friends said they might have a lead on some work. What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t have the strength to hope in unfulfilled […]

why do i even try to have a good day?

so i decided id do some painting. and it came out really nice. i decided that id show it to some people close to me. everyone loved it. i decided to show it to my dad. wont send. ok ill message mom. “his account got hacked”. and you couldnt take the 2 seconds it takes to send a message letting his miles away, gone for 18yrs, suicidal daughter know? honest to fuck, why do i bother. and on top of this, like she does every time i message “hey the kids are doing awesome”. you mean […]

I don’t know if I’m actually going to keep up with this but at least I’m putting the effort in, right?

I started school this week and all I’ve been thinking about is how this is the year. This is the year I kill myself, the year I take myself out of the equation permanently. In my downtime since coming back, its all I can think about. How I’ll do it, where I’ll do it, when I’ll do it. The “How” was the first thing I figured out. Quick, easy, cleanable. The “Where” is still to be determined. The “When” is giving me the most trouble, […]

If you ask me how I am doing. Well I am most likely to tell you “Iam fine” pretty standard for somebody like me. A few months back life for me changed for the worst. My best friend just left without a say and left me in the deepest darkest time. We had a fight and she set all my anxiety’s and fears off with a bloody dripped cut up leg and siting in the pool of blood as i screamd for that pain to go. I stood and punched the area my brain tumor sits several times to end this pan once and for […]

I remember not caring (or at least being able to control it).

I remember standing in line at tims by myself as a child getting a coffee for my ‘parents’ and i. it was so cute, i was thinking so much about mom and dads coffee and how happy i was to get it that i forgot about mine and had to go back. 

I remember this one time on the boardwalk. i was just a child blowing bubbles while my nanny and i walked. Then this other little girl walking the opposite direction stopped and started popping the bubbles. So i stopped […]