Yesterday is tomorrow and tomorrow is yesterday. I watched an older movie tonight, and flashbacks of the past flooded my eyes for a second. Good memories. Comfortable ones, for once.

And the eyes are so powerful, we seek them out in panic, submit to them out of fear, they shape who we become. They help us heal and move on.
I miss my dad so much. He had a warm smile. I miss that the most, especially on Saturday mornings. Never a bad one, strangely.

What’s going to happen to me when my mom passes away? Is it horrible to say I never want to see her […]

I don’t understand.

I just want to die already.

I don’t understand the duality of humankind. At one moment, I can be listened to, appreciated, understood, and cared for. At the next, I can be brushed to the side as a mere nuisance in everyone’s lives. Utter garbage at their feet, begging to belong. I don’t understand people – yet I call myself an extrovert.

I go from the celebration of being elected Homecoming King to debating suicide in the same night. I get accepted into multiple colleges and offered multiple scholarships, but my only goal in life now is to stop […]

Not suicide related

New online friend ghosted me, not really sure why. Ironically they told me to let them know if I no longer wanted to talk to them…
… well they didn’t do that for me.

Now I’m stuck with only one online friend, won’t be long before she gets sick and tired of me and leaves as well. Sometimes she doesn’t reply to what I write. But I understand. I’m very, very unlikable.

I think I should give up. Don’t even like people anyway. I mean I talk to other people on the game server but they are all acquaintances…

Better that way, don’t have all the […]

🙂 I can’t do anything. I can’t take antidepressants either cause they scramble my brain, and it’s possible that I have a personality disorder and I was told that’s what happens to people with PD’s who take antidepressants. 🙂 Natural crap won’t work. This is one of those cases where I NEED the chemical reset because the case is so extremely and deeply ingrained in my brain that I can’t have life otherwise. And yet, salvation eludes me. 🙂 I don’t even know what it feels like to be capable to work a job because I’ve been like this for so long… I can’t imagine […]

The 10 Happiest Countries in the World
https://www.cntraveler.com/gallery/the-10-happiest-countries-in-the-world

1. Finland. For the fourth year in a row, Finland is number one when it comes to happiness.
2. Denmark. Denmark remained in the number two spot this year. …
3. Switzerland. …
4. Iceland. …
5. Netherlands. …
6. Norway. …
7. Sweden. …
8. Luxembourg. …
9. New Zealand
10. Austria

Damnit, why wasn’t I born in any of those countries? -_-

So tired of being depressed and miserable.
So tired of being tired…

I want to be dead right now. I should be dead right now.

I was going to jump….. Someone came along.

I was going to hang myself…… But each time got interrupted and had to undo the knot.

This was another one of those mornings. I should be dead right now. I don’t want to be alive. I don’t want to keep doing this.

It feels like everyone is behind me pushing while my feet are dug in and I’m just trying to make it stop.

I tried again. After 15 years. Only this time, I messed up and gave myself horrible brain damage. Feels like everything is happening in slow motion and my hands shake so I miss everything I’m reaching for. I’m starting to think death isn’t even real anymore. I can’t manage to kill myself no matter how hard I try. What if instead of dying we just end up somewhere else like Hamlet said? I’m hopeless though so I’ve given up on living at the same time I’m not dead. I guess I’m just living in the past. Living in the pretend when that girl still loved […]

I’ve been trying to practice keeping my head down for the last few weeks. No news, no social media, nothing to ADD negativity. Then, unavoidably it seems, I return to my old ways. I try to interact…. and my filter for grief, which is how most things appear to me, is dark humor. I like to laugh at death, all the more when it appears to be coming right at me.

So, I made a joke about tragedy, and it did not go over well… apparently “in poor taste”, you know what I think is in poor taste? Having a world so tragic and awful that […]

On one hand I know I am not good for you, I don’t bring you happiness or anything good: on the flip side, you love me too much and I’m afraid that you would kill yourself if I left

It’s hard to not believe that people are laughing at me…

All the so called ‘weak’ people in society get mocked, ridiculed and even bullied. But sometimes it’s more subtle, like… deep down others won’t like you. But they don’t show it.

Why bother trusting people? Don’t do that!

As always, miserable.

where we had easy access to suicide- where everyone who wanted to die could- what would that world look like?

i understand its “what best” but why must i? its what you want not what i want. its my life. its my body. why do you get to decide what i do with it?

I desperately want to go back in time, and be somebody different. Live a different life where none of this ever happened. But that’s not an option. If that version of me were ever possible, it’s long dead now. There is only the future. But I have no clue what to do from here. I’m so fucked up in my mind, my personality, how I relate to people. There’s this terrible side to me and most of the time it’s in the driving seat. And I love it and I hate it, all at the same time. It feels amazing one moment and awful the […]

Life has always felt overwhelming to me. I have on and off struggled with suicidal thoughts for about 15 years. Often I don’t have thoughts of suicide but just a strong feeling of wishing I was dead. That I didn’t have to deal with life anymore. That someone will hit me while I’m driving in my car or I’ll get sick. Life just seems so hard for me. It’s always been that way. On the outside I’m a high achiever but internally even the smallest things, just functioning as a “normal” adult, feel like so much work. I feel like the world we live in […]

1- I need more money. A guaranteed enough amount so I don’t have to worry about how I can afford this or that, or go out and do this or that.
2- I need real friends. I need love (a significant other). I need people that actually care about me.

3- If I have the money and means, my health would improve. I still won’t be anywhere near 100% but it would be much better (talking about physical health here, not even talking mental health).

Right now it’s a circle of depression- bc I’m sick, I can’t make money/more money. […]

I’m looking for a way to spend my time that doesn’t involve others. Something online. I have offline options but I need something to do while I’m just sitting here.

This is a couple of the very few things that I do.

https://www.sadanduseless.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcjhYlL1WRBjKaJsMH_h7Lg

What do you guys do that doesn’t involve others?

i had a great opportunity to make world a better place some time ago.

I failed. Im a failure. My entire life is a shit. I dont like my life and never did.

I want to die.

Im thinking on a way to do it.

I cant bear anymore, the pain and pretend to everyone I like to be here.