In case you need a laugh and like weird cartoons like me. Lol enjoy 🙂

I’m stumbling along blind. There is no visible answer, so all I can do is ask “What do you expect of me? What am I to do?” There is just nothing else.  I surrender.

I have lost everything in my life , my life is destroyed , I have nothing , I can’t stand the reality and justification of restrictions bc what I think and know is that the virus have less probability to kill , what this virus did is nothing , in contrary to the restrictions and laws , they took our freedom , this world is just horrific utopia, they said they want to safe lifes , and they shut everything and prevented people from walking outdoors , stay at home ironic , like living in your own prison, the economy has been destroyed , the […]

nothing feels real. i dont feel real. self harm didnt really do anything for me, so now im sitting here, not really sure where to go from here.

I’m either suffering, numb, or I feel somewhat okay. I just alternate depending on how badly my body hurts, if my family gangs up on me, and if I actually have food for the day.

I hate it. It’s the same thing over and over of barely being able to leave my room out of fear. I wanna see my friends because I’m so lonely but they’re all too busy. If I jumped out the window I wouldn’t die but at least something would change. At least they feed you regularly at the hospital.

I just can’t stand being stuck here wondering if I’ll have food today […]

From zero to a hundred

My mood changes quickly…one moment i can feel sort of okay and the next it’s overwhelming depression and hopelessness. My mood has been like this for quite a few years now, but a recent development in my mood is my fuse becoming shorter and shorter over the past few months.

Now i can feel my self getting angry and annoyed very quickly over minor everyday inconveniences. Now to add on top of that…imagine feeling as angry as i do and then a stranger in public feels the need to taunt you just for being you.

1

So had a bad panic attack last week that turned out to actually be a small heart attack. Been bleeding out both ends for a while now. Blood pressure is fucked, gi tract is screwed up and everything hurts like hell digesting. Now my body is as screwy as my head. lul. Genuinely glad at least someone is doing alright though. Needed me my ass.

Bright side, making progress on the thing I’ve been working on as far as a future career goes. Seen some great progress in it lately. Whee

Don’t mind me just talking to myself here before going back to isolation

Why……

I just hate where the world is going (I won’t really expand on that here).
I wish I could live in a fantasy world. Real life is awful. I doubt I’d ever want to die in a fantasy world.

I thought it would’ve taken longer to get over my ex. I just ended up putting him in the category of very judgmental people. And that’s what most people are, sadly. My friend is alot less judgemental. There’s a rather small group of people in this world who aren’t needlessly judgemental.

I wasn’t put on this Earth to impress my ex with ‘bettering’ myself.
So I guess […]

I’ve never believed I’d make it past 21.  I was convinced I’d get a slight feeling of autonomy and take the opportunity to end everything, and yet i’m 26 and still falling into the same trap. 4 suicide Attempts since age 11. Each one interrupted before things started.  Then I turn 20. While laying on the railway, I find goals to acheive, I move out, I build myself up financially, and now 5 years later, I’ve acheived my goals, and along the way I meet who would be my best friend and soon to be wife. And I come to realize that I’ve never been […]

Yep

HI long  time viewer. Never posted,  but the end is coming and I thought why not share with  you who have shared so much.

I keep thinking about some ducks i saw on BBC planet. Natural selection dictates that those with good genetic traits must survive to reproduce. Which combined with evolution produce life with a good chance of survival and hapiness.This would mean that there are also those with traits less desirable that should not reproduce as they would not hurt the chances of life.

So the ducks are born on a wet beach. Crawling out of their eggs onto the land preparing to migrate safely […]

This is the question my therapist has given me to mull over for the weekend. I’ve been instructed to abandon any association with a career, just who I am outside of that.

Fuck if I know is the thing. I wanted to go with analyst, because my greatest desire is to understand and interpret. Yet, isn’t that still a career goal? I enjoy nature, and also working with my hands, and stretching my brain to grow my ability.

The problem is that my ambition is a way that I hide from the questions I don’t want to ask. Questions like “what if I don’t go back to […]

When it comes down to it, I think a lot of my issues stem from a fundamentally deficient mindset. The vast majority of people would’ve been able to deal with the circumstances I grew up in just fine. I was dealt a perfectly decent hand of cards. I just wasn’t granted the capacity to appreciate them. I wasn’t able to accept or find meaning in a world where I was seen as less than or inferior. I wasn’t ok with being average. And so I refused to play the part, and make the necessary effort to remain average. I became sub-standard. I didn’t value the […]

I was raped once by an ex who stalked me vehemently and waited for me outside my uni accom on New Year’s before he raped me thrice.

From that, I got PTSD, mad depression and my Law degree has suffered so badly.

Last week, my Airbnb host potentially spiked my drink and I don’t know if he did anything to me while I blacked out. Had to get a police report and fund my travel to the other end of the next town to even get a Forensics Rape Kit. They can’t help me. I sold my bags to afford the fare.

My uni won’t let me resit […]

just 1 am thoughts again. its always in a cycle, i get extremely suicidal, im in this weird state where im just numb and i feel okay i guess and then i spiral. im back in my suicidal part of the cycle, except one important thing: my brother killed himself. thats what the police say anyways, im not sure, i dont know. he came to me alot to vent, i shut him out, our relationship wasnt always the best, so right now the only thought that has been repeating is that i killed my brother. i drove him to suicide. i dont know where to […]

Today is Friday. Mom’s night out for my granddaughters’ Mom – my daughter-in-law. At least that was true a couple of years ago. Now, Friday is the day that my wife of 36+ years gets to see my granddaughters while she is at work, but i am not allowed to see or talk to my granddaughters.
I am almost 60 years old and spent most of my life trying to keep up with the bills, but decided after being laid off after almost 22 years with the same company that I would rather spend more time with my son and his family than to try […]

I was 11 when that album came out but I was probably 12 by the time I first heard it.

I’ve mellowed a lot since then, but man that album is so beautiful.  I wasn’t suicidal when I was 12, but I did wish I was dead or didn’t exist a lot.  This album was the first time I ever realized other people felt that way, too.

My favorite song was “The Becoming”.

The me that you know he used to have feelings

But the blood has stopped pumping and he’s left to decay.

The me that you know is now made up of wires

And even when I’m right with […]

Hi to anyone reading. First time here and I like to see it as some sort of sign, to know people like me exist. Constantly feeling alone. I’ve only been to therapy once and ever since then I feel like I’ve left a part of myself in that dreaded room. I have no real direction – a purpose to keep moving forward. I only have my hobbies and very few people in my life that keep me sane. However, the societal pressure to have financial goals, status, etc…it’s not for me. It never has and I’m afraid it never will. I would rather be in […]