i know i should quit this job,i know its dehumanising,
but what i dont know is how to go on, without a job that seem to br the only well paid job in town, so i just sit back and keep bottling this shit,

I just decided that next time one of my subscribed charities calls me asking for more money, I’ll tell them that a recent discussion with my psychologist yielded some profound self-revalation. Actually, just one self-revalation. That I hate everyone. Yes, everyone. No, unfortunately, there are no exceptions. And I want everyone to suffer. And I’m terribly sorry, but my current donations are not conducive to the success of my new life’s work, so I’d like to cancel my current donations. Oh, you’re disappointed you won’t be able to end world hunger or free political prisoners? Well, you were wasting your time to begin with under […]

Many have felt the dreamy unreality of their lives in this world; and it is a dream, because it is separate from God. But for the dreamer, it is very real. The dreamer shadow boxes against all things that seem to hurt him, never seeing that he but attacks himself. The silent comedian plays the man in bed shooting his foot under the covers, but the dreamer plays it as a drama. Still, there is a climax in which the dreamer awakens, sees his role, and is free. Here is how the Course puts it:
“The world you see is the delusional system of those […]

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now am found

Was blind, but now I see.

It was Grace that taught my heart to fear

And Grace, my fears relieved

How precious did that Grace appear

The hour I first believed.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

Save me again, this time around

You taught me to believe.

Amazing Grace, where did you go?

You saved a wretch like me

After you’ve gone, I’ve been alone

My Grace a memory.

Amazing Grace, how sad the sound

The sound of memories

I once believed, until I found

My Grace abandoned me.

I’m nervous and I need some advice..

I decided that I should talk to my school counseling and I don’t know how it will go or what should I say..

Should I let everything out and tell them the truth? How I really feel and how much I don’t want to be alive!

My first true love, my high school sweet heart, my everything, the reason for being alive is now barely keeping me alive. I’m losing her every second of the day, I don’t know if it’s her or if it’s me but either way I’m feeling hopeless and abandon because I know she’s going to leave. Things ain’t the same I wish I could go back to when I was younger when our relationship was the best but I guess things happen for a reason, I just hope we’ll never end.

I’m an 18 year old male adult. I had a great child hood, was well off, had loving parents and family.Fast forward to today and our lucrative family business was destroyed by my uncle by over spending and not paying taxes. So we have like no money now and we have to sell our house. Now that I graduated High School I went to community college which dropped out of because I couldn’t do it. It’s not that I’m stupid it’s just that I’m not disciplined enough to study and read. Like I made an A+ in an English essay, but it fucking took forever […]

To stay on the phone with someone as they are going through with their exit plan?

I’ve been painting more.
Two people bought my artwork.
It made me happy even though I wanted to slice up my wrists.
Maybe I’ll keep painting.

I see them. The little shadows that crawl around the corner. I see the weird shapes in windows. I see it all. Maybe they are here to keep me company. Maybe they are here to help me. Maybe they are here because they know what it’s like to feel alone when people are all around. They must understand what feeling empty is like. Maybe. Maybe I’m not alone. Or maybe I am. I don’t even know. I keep thinking I want someone, because “It will make it all better” ,but that doesn’t seem to be true. It is just don’t believe that people could actually […]

So my therapist asks me today what I’m going to do when my mom is gone.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I am counting on the end.  When that happens, with any luck, I’ll be dead too.  How cowardly, though, to not be able to say what I’m thinking.  A boy ought to take pride in his plan if he indeed is dead-set on it… right?

That’s the problem; I’m not sure enough.  After suffering for many more years, I could be too weak to do it.  After all, I’ve been too weak up to this point.  I should explain my story. […]

As the time approaches and friends post sappy facebook videos, I found myself frustrated that we can’t choose to die and have our organs donated.  Suicide methods just don’t lend well to organ donation and the timing would be tricky.  How lovely would it be to drift under anesthesia and never have to wake up again?

I would love to give my life to someone who is dying to live.  I don’t want my life and my body could be used to save so many other people who actually want to live but may die waiting for transplants.  I don’t feel my life is living anyways […]

I thought I was getting better.  But I’m not.  I sit in my room and contemplate life, mostly the ending.  I know that I can’t just end it, but at the same time, I want to.  It’s like the first time you cut.  You just kind of want to know what it feels like.  You don’t want to do it, but you want to see if it will help ease the ache, get rid of the pain.  I want to know if death will do that.  But at the same time I’m too scared to try.

Is that normal?  Well obviously not if I’m on this […]

I am in love with a girl named sabrina. Today at school i saw her crying and i asked her “who’s ass do i need to kick?” And everyone pointed at jason. I should have killed him then and there but i tried to leave him alone. Sabrina eventually went into the bathrooms and cried. I think she may have ended up cutting too. I want to take away her pain but i dont know how. Getting back at jason will only make things worse. she wont talk to me about it and i dont know what to do now. If she ended up cutting […]

I’m not sure if this is the right place to be posting this, but i’m not sure where else to ‘rant’ about it.
So I started University just over a month ago, and since about a week after I arrived I have been in something of a downward spiral. My flatmates are all nice, there’s lots to do and lots of people to meet but I am becoming increasingly unhappy.
I can fake it around others, act happy and interested but I can’t stand doing so. I shut myself up in my room for days at a time, not being able to leave because the […]

The only thing I’ve been managing do well lately is my remarkable ability to screw up my life.  🙁

How do I help myself? How? I’m trying every thing I could think of but nothing seems to work anymore. I can’t take my pain anymore. It’s too much. I’m small. I’m weak. Are you going to leave me to die? Please, don’t…

I’m feeling much less depressed these days. To be honest, I don’t feel much of anything. I’m on 200mg of sertraline.

I find that, although I make friends very easily, I form normal relationships, and people appear to enjoy spending time with me, beneath my friendly outer self, I loathe almost everybody I come into contact with. And I find that part of me even wants to watch people suffer. I feel as though while my motivation has increased of the past few months, I have also become more manipulative and unconcerned with the feelings of other people (though, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure […]

Note: as i have written earlier, i sometimes use SP as diary. this is basically just a personal note i want to give to myself, a kind of remainder of a conclusion so that i don’t get lost again or atleast have at the back of my mind that i’ve made some conclusions which are more important than normal random thoughts. all in all i want to get rid of these thoughts without fear of forgetting their essence.

good days are going (i.e. currently happening). but i’m tired of them. in fact i get tired of good days sooner than that of bad days. its looking […]

Sometimes I just spend my night thinking how this family will function after I’m gone. Some nights I’ll cry hysterically because I know no one in this family will ever self reflect, see what they do to me, how they destroy me. Some nights I keep blaming myself for everything that happened, apologizing for not dying in the hospital after I was admitted with fever after 14-02-1994. Some nights I lose myself in every memory that was created and end up fainting, screaming in agony. Some nights I try my best to cut every flaw away, break my skin in the hope that my spirit […]