I’m at the point where I can’t make a difference between right or wrong since I fight the urge to accept that controlling someone’s else life is a right thing to do.

i know she is hurt and that’s why she freak out. and i know how social status is almost part of her soul and that’s why she can never accept my differentness from them. but she never look past your own hurt. but she is not to blamed… i know how strong their indoctrination is. i am to be blamed, for i’m the the one who is awake here and yet not stopping this hatred.  i am to be blamed for being weak.

but no, this weakness is result of their upbringing and environment. so what’s left is: i am to be blamed for being awake. but i […]

A sexually transmitted disease which always ends in death.There is currently no cure.

I want to live and die at the same time. It is so hard to have these two thoughts in my head at the same time because they are complete opposite things. I will imagine killing myself and how great it would be for me, and then I’ll remember that I have other people I have to consider. That if I would die my family would be devastated. That’s not me being vain, that’s me acknowledging that I do have people who love me. Death is seen as a tragedy, and if I killed myself I would knowingly and deliberately ruin people’s lives. That is […]

i need pills…NOW!

My own mother. She hates me. Shes in a mood again to today. Havent looked at me once today, neither did say just say hello or how did you sleep… nothing! why? because she doesnt care. i bet shes wont even ask whats wrong if she sees me cry… she will probably think im seeking attention. im a failure for a daughter. but maybe she will care when im gone….

This is for all those people who are bullied, abused, depressed, suicidal, do drugs/smoke, think they have no future, who don’t have any/many friends, who hate themselves.
You can change lives. No matter how hard it is right now, it will get better and you will become something amazing. Think about it. Many celebrities’ stories include getting bullied and being depressed. You could become something. The people who get treated the worse while they’re young, are the ones who can change lives. Justin Bieber stopped 90% of teen suicides. Miley Cyrus taught people to be themselves. Demi […]

Lately I find myself more and more consumed about what life should be compared to the brutal reality.  The reality for me is disfigurement, fear, dread, no future, no love, no joy peace or happiness.  All I had wanted from life was to be innocent.  To learn, to create, to sit outside and paint, to watch animals play, to love someone, to go to school, to develop talents, this should be life.

But for some of us horror, dread, and humiliation are all that life has to offer.  And the diabolical cruelty that, for some of us, there is no means of escape beyond the horrific and […]

Use to be so full of life, i was a dancer and a model. I was good in academics at school. Had the perfect life…. then everything just fell apart. We have just enough money for the basics. My parents are fighting everyday. is it wrong of me wishing they would just get a divorce already? My sister is smart- like really smart. And shes just the perfect daughter. My parents probably wish i was like her. no trouble, no worries, no party, no boys, no disappointment. ahhh how i wish i was maybe like her! and im so so so so mad at my […]

Anyone want to talk? Message me devinbelver@yahoo.com

My story as long and only gets worse. It’s come to the point death has a comfort where it used to hold fear, even hell seems like it might not be so bad if I could just get away from a brain that can’t control emotions. I used to feel bad for animals in high kill shelters. I’ve become jealous. I know cry for those in no-kill shelters. Empathize. Those animals have no place in the world, no one to loce them, no one to make happy, no one to give them purpose, the things that give our souls joy. Many have been abused. Yet […]

And my fucking loser ass couldn’t even cut deep enough.
I wrote the damn letter and everything.
I’m so tired. Pressed as hard as I could.

I don’t want to dance anymore.  I don’t want to DANCE anymore.  I want to walk away, but not without great memories.  I want to walk away from this life with the smell of summer, fall, winter and spring in nostrils.  I want to feel the warm breeze all over my body after a cold year.  I want to feel someone’s lips on my forehead, someone’s hands cupping my face.  The warm vibrations of a kitty purring on my chest and the feel of a newborn baby in my arms.  I want to feel my cheeks automatically lift in a natural smile and I want […]

30 yr. old female, so afraid of doing this alone.  I know it is the right decision but can’t shake the feeling of actually being alone. Anyone else know what I mean? If you want to chat my email is mdmd1234532 @ yahoo dot com.

I am full of anguish and regret for everything I have done and I sometimes wonder if it is worth it to live.

Ugh…people…I haven’t posted anything meaningful on here in a little while. Lately, my boyfriend and I broke up. He’s going to date my best friend. I lost my other best friend on Halloween. There’s a guy I like but I’m too socially awkward to talk to him. I don’t even think he likes me. But whatever. I have been separated from my phone and IPod. My sister is causing shit with my parents again. My parents are fighting even more than usual. I know that I really shouldn’t complain, but it’s still a lot to handle…sorry for wasting your time…

…

…Last night I carved ‘No Love’ […]

I know you always blame my dad for everything. That he’s the reason, and the only reason, why we’re in so much pain right now. But he’s not. Someday, soon I hope, you’ll acknowledge that you caused this pain too.

Why do you have to care so much about what other people think? Why do you always push me to the sideline? Allow me to be the punchbag for your own misjudgments. I refuse to suffer all of my life because of your bad decisions. 

Your decision to give birth.

Your decision to get married.

Your decision to stay in a marriage you were unhappy in.

Your decision to place society’s view of […]

Where to begin?

The past:

I’ve been depressed as long as I can remember. I used to cry myself to sleep for a variety of reasons when I was as young as 4 and 5. I dropped out of a prestigious university due to worsening depression and panic attacks. I’ve been on and off various antidepressants and anti anxiety medication for almost 20 years.  They numb the pain so I can function but what kind of life is that?  My life doesn’t get better when I’m medicated-I just don’t care as much how bad it is.  I attempted suicide about 10 years ago and ended up recovering […]

I shouldn’t give a fuck about what anyone else thinks

I have the right to do what makes me feel good

Hurting dickheads makes me feel good

I have a right to hurt dickheads

I have a right to blow up the school

This logic is obviously flawed, and it leaves me with nothing except for the validation that I can’t have what I want and life is just a battle that you fight until you die. Well, fuck this and fuck you. I’ll relieve you of your duties in battle . I’ll do it with a piece of […]

i’ve always been a loner

that girl in the back of the room standing awkwardly by herself

i’m never going to end up with anyone. i am much too weird.

my best friend is sick of me. i have a suicide scare on a weekly basis.

except now i think i’m truly done.

my family life isn’t even horrid now. i’m getting along fine with them.

i have supposed friends.

but i am that person who is just constantly /there/

i don’t do anything

i can’t picture a future for myself

i am so done.

i think i want to drown myself in a bathtub, but i have to figure out how to do it so […]