there’s so many things on my mind
I don’t even know where to start, honestly.
I feel like the entire universe has a personal vendetta against me. It’s traumatic event after traumatic event. Is this my purpose? Is my purpose to be a punching bag? An abuse victim? Traumatized? what’s the fucking point anymore? Why do I even try? Everyone I love leaves, so I might as well push people away like I used to. 9 years of on and off abuse from too many perpetrators to keep track of. I lost my childhood to abusers, and here I am, expected to start planning for […]

I made very good friends with a girl on Roblox, who I call Bella.

She was my only friend, better yet, my bff. She was the only who understood.

But then things got awkward.

We didn’t know what to say. We didn’t even know what to do.

Eventually, I joined, and she told me it was super awkward. She said that was all she could say.

I asked her if this was goodbye.

She never responded in chat.

So, when she spoke again to someone else, I private chatted her. And told her, Thank you for being my friend. Bye. <3

And I left.

Then I erased all contact. All of it.

I am only […]

Understand that we all inhabit the pit, every and any person who has no particular influence, or economic consequence. The difference between the people here, and the people I deal with every day is precious few of the general public know how little they matter, or in fact anything matters.

The pit is where society puts you when it wants to forget about you. Every tale of misery or sorrow I hear describes accurately the atmosphere of the pit; that place where you wake up and realize that the framework of lies you’ve been telling yourself doesn’t make it any less of a pit. There’s this […]

I had the life of my dreams in my dreams. I thought it was real. I felt secure in my relationship. I had an interesting reality. I never thought I’d be so bored living a life where being chased by a lynx sounded like a great way to live. I could fly with just my arms barely escaping the teeth of killer whales and sharks.

Tucked under the arm of a guy I love. A guy who cares about me enough to save me from the lynx while also killing himself to protect me. Everything was beautiful. Everything was exciting. I want life to be […]

My father is 81 and wants to die. My mom died 5 years ago and he is still fucked up over it, as am I. He wants to die and although he is not doing anything active to try to kill himself, he will not do what should be done in order to live a good life. His lack of action and choices WILL lead to his death.

I’m not asking what I can do legally, as the answer is nothing since he is not making an active attempt. But what I am asking is what do I do for me? How do I deal with […]

I applied to grad school this year. 8 of the top schools for my field, I have a decent GPA and relevant experience so I thought maybe at least 1 would take me. My parents, who are in the same field, told me it would be a shoe-in. Everyone else asked me what my safeties were, but I didn’t apply to any.

I didn’t do any research, and that’s on me. I just trusted what my parents said, and that’s not their fault, they couldn’t have known how competitive it is nowadays, and how I’m not actually good enough for any of these schools. I should’ve […]

This is just making everything worse. One assessment per week and must get everything right. I don’t even want to ask my teacher any questions because she will probably think my questions are stupid.

I literally can’t get my mind off this course. It really seems like too much.

I wanted to do part time (and I chose that) but this freaking feels like full time.

Don’t even know how to answer some questions (don’t know the answer). Don’t know if my current answers look stupid.

And a few assignments involve making video conferences with others.

Thinking of faking my death to my ex and quitting […]

is there any way to take off scars from cutting? spring is coming and its going to be hot and I don’t want anyone to see the scars in my arm and I feel worried about it

As a child I had no friends as I was the ‘weird kid’ no one liked and I got bullied relentlessly (I would be diagnosed as having aspergers when I was 24). By grade 11 I dropped out as depression really started to hit me on top of the ‘normal’ bulling and isolation of being a punching bag for the school. Several inpatient stays later while working minimum wage I got my GED at night school, then went to a community college while taking out a student loan. Worked a few more years minimum wage saving every penny I could to go to University. Fast […]

Every day, there’s a sinking feeling in my stomach. I constantly think about hanging from my room ceiling and feeling my senses dwindle and dissipate. I’m only in middle school, goddamnit. Why do I feel this way?

Once again holding on by the skin of my teeth. Telling myself “it will pass.. it will pass”. OMG i want to end my life but at the same time praying that I wont. “It will pass”.
When I feel like this I literally HAVE to just hang on…… “it will pass”. I know this feeling will end after…. i dont know a few days or weeks. But I also know it will return….
Im sooooo tired of this, hence my name…
Oh dear God please make it stop.

i really feel so conflicted right now. part of me just wants to get this over with and not drag it out any longer and another part of me wants to live another week to see if life can get a little better in that short span. i really don’t know anymore. why am i holding onto false hope? every time i feel hopeful it just ends with a negative outcome. i’m so tired and drained. i really don’t know what to do anymore. i’m so lost.

I find vintage labor practices and relations fascinating, so you’ll excuse the digression into discussing coal mining, and why it may be indicative of the situation we will all shortly be in.

Coal mining was the first true modern labor job. While difficult, it involved juggling multiple details, and the cost of failure was death and destitution for owning companies. One of the first major strikes in US history was a coal miner strike. Around their necks they wore red handkerchiefs as a symbol of solidarity. These were the first rednecks.

Coming back to canaries. The reason canaries were used in coal mines had to do with […]

It is hard living under a mans roof your whole life when he hates you to the guts. Everytime I can hear him talking about me through the thin door in my room. He doesnt say nice things.

People say suicide is selfish and cowardly. They have no fucking clue.

If you’re dying from a terminal illness like, say, cancer, you are surrounded by family, friends, and medical staff. They support you, they don’t judge you for your suffering, and they will be holding your hand to the end.

You can tell people you’re going to die. You can say your goodbyes. You can put your affairs in order. People will even help you do it, so you can be at peace in the end.

It’s bitter cold outside but the sun is shining from a deep blue sky, its light glistening on the snow. The birds are gathered at the feeder, fat squirrels feasting on what they spill to the ground. My cat watches them from his perch at the window, perfectly still except for his twitching tail.  I’m nearby, at my computer, designing yet another house. I’m sipping my best locally roasted coffee. Half the beans were soaked in barrel-aged whiskey and I’ve added a goodly amount of Bailey’s Irish cream to the cup. Norah Jones’s Come Away With Me is playing on my self-curated Spotify playlist.

I was fishing yesterday,many things on my mind, suicide at the forefront as per usual, my fishing companion was making conversation which did not interest me, thats no reflection on him if anything its a reflection of my mental state, the conversation was drifting in one ear and out the other and then he mentioned his brother in law was in the fire brigade and had been called to a park earlier in the week to retrieve a body, a suicide.

Now Im all ears and want to know more. One has to thread very carefully when discussing suicide with a ” normie”  so its a […]

50 Cent – ”death gotta be easy cause life is hard, it will leave you physically, mentally, emotionally scarred”

i feel so conflicted about everything. this shit fucking sucks. it’d be nice if a meteor would come crashing into my room. why? why are things like this? happiness is just some stupid momentary concept and then we are all back to a fucking shitty depressing state. how pathetic. i really hate myself. my mind feels all over the place. it’s like i’m some piece of paper that’s been scribbled all over and torn apart. fucking weak. so self doubting. disgraceful. shameful. so conflicted. so alone. i can’t take this anymore. i cant even pretend like everything is okay anymore. it hurts. it hurts so […]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ro34dXuO9Dg&list=RDSmKgEwlLfu0&index=2

“And you, show me that life
Isn’t all about extending your time
No, it’s the perfect time for a bottle of wine
And why, do I still care?
About all who might recall me
For everything dies, so does memory” -Tamino

There has been too many times I have wanted to sabotage everything. I have to keep reminding my self to take a step back and take a look at the big picture. Its difficult to not give in. When in doubt, take deep breaths.