I believe in the possibility of life being meaningful, worthwhile, positive. I once felt that way about my own life. I see others living the kind of life I want. Of course you can never tell from the outside, and the grass always seems greener on the other side of the tree. But they seem content. By which I mean; not caught in a constant loop of longing and despair. Not consumed by loneliness, regret, depression. Actively engaged with life, with the world. Pursuing plans, learning, growing, becoming better as people. Functioning far above the minimum necessary for survival.

What I struggle with is that, feeling […]

i was already bad enough to begin with but you just love to make it worse. i wish i never met you and i wish you would just stop and leave me alone. i keep telling you that you’re only making things worse but that does nothing, do you find joy out of making me miserable?

i don’t feel like myself anymore. i don’t know how to love anymore. i don’t know what to think. you messed my head and my heart up. you were the only person i truly loved and you stabbed me in the back multiple times. i would’ve done anything for you, […]

im lonely and im desperate for any kind of affection or attention
I just feel stuck and disconnected from everything and I just want to talk to someone but there’s nobody here for me to talk to
it feels like I’m just a bother to people
I wish I was loved like those perfect girls

I feel like i wasn’t meant to be born, like something wrong happened and i was accidentally made wrong or my soul was sent out instead of someone else’s.

I have never really been happy or satisfied really. I have been happy for a few minutes before, many times, but the rest of my life has been just a nonstop battering of anxiety and self hatred. I turn 22 the day after college graduation this may and my friends are so excited and all i can think about is how much it’s going to suck to have to do this job- the job […]

with presctibed drugs. need to read more nonfiction and increase inhibition.

I swear, the collective IQ of Americans is decreasing by the day. Hell, by the hour! I was on YT comments last night (as well as Quora and Reddit)… Idiocracy is not just a movie -_-

Yes, many of the dumb comments are from overseas idiots, but the majority of them are American (some clearly very American threads).

We have a few geniuses (like Edison, Franklin, Einstein, Tesla, Newton, Darwin, etc) that literally carry our species. If not for a few oddball geniuses, our species would be screwed, bc the rest of us are dumb as shit. ESPECIALLY the ppl on YT, […]

to structure and personalization. taking medication for personality disorder. studying personality psychology and seeing how convoluted it all is. feeling abnormal/not in touch with reality, maybe it has to do with academia. questioning personal agency, not understanding how the world actually works, as in, not being around relatable people. i see a bunch of smart highly literate people online but underestimate people in real life due to their lack of heavy speech, causing a rift in reality processing.

i need a job where i feel competent and inoculated from the outside world. i don’t seek freedom, i seek consistency. 

i need to stop being so addicted and […]

It feels like people have become some sort of zombies or robots

I try for the serenity prayer thing, to take it a day at a time, but really it’s more a week at a time. Because monday through friday, I’m either waiting on applications to come back, or putting them out. and in that regard, it’s been a crap week. Neither of the “warm” leads from last week turned into anything, yet at the very least. I went ahead and shot out a few more apps. Next week I’ve got a job fair midweek, not sure if that’s anything to get excited about, but there it is.

but being unemployed, waiting on applications, fridays suck the worst, […]

-_-

I’ve come to the realization that no amount of therapy will cure me, no medication will save me, no religion will enlighten me. Nothing on Earth or space above will grant me peace of mind. The only way I’ll get peace is through the end I so desperately wish for. Now that I’ve thought about it, I’ve never wanted to be alive. That having to eat, drink, sleep, poo is my Hell. I know I can use hedonism as a distraction but I realized that’s how my life has always been. Now, I don’t understand why I would be vilified for wanting to escape a […]

I saw this post in another group I’m in. This sums up me exactly. I’m sure some of this applies to some of you as well.

I agree with everything until the sappy feel-good you are worthy bit in the end. I mean, yeah, we have to believe we are worthy to not be depressed, but I hate all those places that make you repeat “you are loved, you are worthy, you are special, blah blah.”

Aside from that last sappy section, the rest of the speech is pretty right on- for me.

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“The inability to receive support from others is […]

I spend so much of my time trying to escape from my reality. Especially at night. All I want is for the awareness to go away. The awareness that my life is meaningless, that I will live and die alone. I often take sleeping pills. They work, but they leave me feeling worse the next day, drained of energy and barely able to get out of bed. And my dreams while on them tend to be pretty weird – lots of anxiety. But the alternative is spending hours sitting with my awareness, too tired to divert my mind or focus on anything else. Hour after […]

day 1057 of asking myself who’s sentient and who’s not. why are some driven more by their emotions and why are some of us only mildly inconvenienced by them? what’s that trait called, if it’s a trait at all. in other words, i’m asking for someone to tell me the answer.

is anyone doing their holy duty? all i see are vices. i see people everywhere who are trying, but where are the saints? i know they exist. they don’t live around me. i only hear about them. i’m borderline one but i guess that would mean i am one of the triers. a very good […]

The older I get, the more superstitious I realize I am. I buck it, destiny, fate, magical thinking and whatnot. But it’s still there, hiding in the shadows of my mind. I keep wondering if I have bad karma. What’s more superstitious than that?!

my therapist is moving on, in six weeks. This is…….. god do you know I’ve lost count of the amount of therapists I’ve been through? Dozens at least. Two to five a year since 2010, so that averages 3.5, so that’s 49. That’s a guess, or numerology take your pick. And I’ve been varying amounts of upset about each one. I’m kind […]

Things like THIS is why I no longer believe in humans or humanity. I mean, also based on my WHOLE life of being screwed. I used to be super sweet and nice, and genuinely would do anything to help ppl, and did, but no more. Not when you just get shit thrown in your face. Thank goodness I was never THIS nice. I would NEVER donate one of my kidneys. Oh hell no.

No good deed goes unpunished…
Woman fired after donating kidney to boss

Another one…
Woman Donated Kidney to Boyfriend — Then He […]

How do we get out of our shitty life when we no longer have any hope left? No longer have any fight left in us? No more “oompf” left?

To get out of our life, we must have hope. Without hope, without believing that rainbow exists and that there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, we cannot proceed. Sure, we can only force ourselves to do so much. But that’s like dragging our feet at every single step. This doesn’t work but get us a few feet. REAL change involves having ZEST for life, feeling […]

I really would like to know the source of my current apathy. Is it my pain at having my hopes dashed? Is it the new drug? Is it the lessening of the old drugs? Is it the lack of anything worth engaging with?

I went into this business thinking if I understood others I might understand myself, and I was wrong.

Anyway so I thought I’d try to finish my serial killer book. Got frustrated pretty quickly. The issue is unreliable narrator. Almost immediately after giving the reader a bit of “evidence” the book discounts it, makes it nonsense. The killer is manipulating the investigators, nothings is […]

I keep thinking about my dad killing my mom. I’m the only one he really talks to and every time I talk to him, he’s always going on about how I’m the only one that cares about him and how my mom only wants his money. Or some other grievance he has with her. He’s never been violent to me, but he’s also mentally unstable and refuses to take his medication. My parents live in two different states but I still worry because he has the means to get here if he wanted to. He’s also a retired veteran and has guns. I don’t think […]

Bye bye hope

bye bye satisfaction

hello inaction

I wish that I could cry

bye bye hope

bye bye upward climb

welcome back mediocre time

I wish that I could die

goodbye my hope goodbye

I was going to try and explain it, but damn it’s short enough I can just quote it here. It doesn’t include any personal details

”

Good morning,

We value your interest in the Victim Advocate position at [Redacted] with the Police Department. Following a thorough review of numerous qualified applicants, the panel has selected the top five candidates for further interviews. Unfortunately, we must inform you that you will not proceed to the final round […]