Little more than 3 weeks away from thesis presentation. I’m beyond fucked. A week ago I felt optimistic. It felt wrong to feel that way, so I’m happy to say I’m fucked. Makes me feel sane. Makes me comfortable. The dread. Hating being around other people. It feels natural. Feeling the other way felt unnatural. For a hot minute there I thought I was hypo-manic. There’s no way I can get my shit together for the presentation. I’ll be lucky if they downgrade my thesis to a capstone. It happened to one […]
It’s kind of everything that’s getting worse, except appetite, for once appetite isn’t a problem. Maybe that’s what I should focus on, what isn’t malfunctioning. I’m getting along with people fine. I’m doing what is asked of me by my family, so that’s good right? The A/C works, which I need today because it’s 80 F***ing degrees in March.
What’s getting worse though is my sleep, and anxiety. I laid in bed last night really struggling, and this morning it was like that too, because I didn’t want to wake up. When I am awake I have trouble finding stuff to do, even just getting into […]
I think I just got hired at this new job but I’m not sure because they haven’t updated me on anything after my drug test/physical/background check.
I’m essentially living with an ogre/twit. My father is someone who nobody ever visits because he has a chip on his shoulder nearly 24/7.
I don’t know if he’s a narcissist but he goes from 0-100 real fast. He likes to find new things in his house to hyper focus on and complain about. I’m fine with following his rules but it’s how he communicates those rules that just rubs me the wrong way.
For starters, he’ll call for […]
It’s hard not to be consumed by hatred, when you’re in pain, and don’t know how to stop it. There’s this part of me that just wants to hurt people, I suppose to have some external outlet for that pain. Or maybe to make them as miserable as me, since misery loves company. Then maybe I won’t feel so alone. Perhaps that’s the delusional logic.
And there’s no justification for that. I’m in this situation because of decisions I made. Other people certainly helped me to get here, but I was as free as anyone can be to choose a better path. So I can blame […]
My wife and my dad keep reminding me not to count my chickens on this one, but this is the most activity I’ve had in a long time. Yesterday I bit the bullet and applied for a company I’ve known about for almost 10 years, a company that does utility locates. I haven’t done any utility work in almost 9 years since my hospitalization. — (my timeline is all over the place, no accuracy to be had on that) —
Anyway, the point is that from the moment I applied they started sending me tasks to do. I haven’t had an employer this hungry since I […]
I’m at the stage where whatever it took to last as long as I have has been used up…
I don’t know why I’m stuck, just that I am. I can be a prolific writer, at times. Yet again and again I keep coming back to this starting place, of trying to write a paranormal adventure which has never been written to break the mind of the reader. In my mind it seems so simple, yet I’m stuck as stuck can be.
I know part of it is the entirely valid fear that no one will ever read it, so much of what I write no one ever reads. Much of what I write is a manic exercise in trying to quiet my thoughts. So […]
i’m so deep in my head nothing is real. i walk past people and most of the time im genuinely convinced they’re not actually there n if i was to just deck one of them in the face my fist would fly straight through their head and they’d keep walking like nothing happened (i promise i won’t actually punch a poor bystander on my way home from work) i’m convinced if i touch a brick wall my hand will just disappear through it. nothing and no one is fucking real anymore and i can’t take it what is happening every one has wires behind their […]
Things are going downhill in the mainland US (I only know about things going on in the US, so I’ll talk about it over here).
Everything I’ve seen or kept up with is just showing things in freefall. Housing, the economy, and the ability to survive is just getting more and more insane. So in no particular order:
Housing: You’re forced to deal with either overpriced houses that are basically impossible to get, especially in urban areas, and if you get lucky and find a house, you’ll be paying up the ass to maintain and renovate it, because shit is more expensive now. […]
Just a sample of why I don’t relate to other people, because there are things I think about I’d be ashamed to talk about almost anywhere else. Here though, you guys know the many ways I want to die…. and kill people… so my insane fantasies isn’t a big jump.
I was thinking about leaving today, and it really is just the climate and the city I want away from.
I thought what if I could pick up my house and haul it up to Michigan and set it down on a new basement?
It’s just…… I’m having enough trouble trying to get myself out of here.
Now I’ve […]
Anyone familiar with the Island of Misfit Toys? I’ve always felt like one. The anti-social ones have always been treated as the weird/odd ones.
But maybe it’s the rest of the world that’s crazy- humming along like a machine run on slave/peasant/min wage labor. Maybe the rest of us just can’t seem to “fit in” amongst all the cogs in the wheel bc we don’t want to be cogs.
Maybe some of us have taken the red pill and can’t unsee the shit that’s our lives and our prospects as just another cog in the wheel, as a chronically poor or “just barely making […]
Do you even trust published data anymore? Until Covid, there were NO studies showing a realistic # of how many unhappy Americans were. All the studies showed 70%-90% of ppl being “happy” with only a small tiny fraction listed as “depressed/very unhappy with life.” Even after Covid, now, most studies STILL show ~71% of people being very or rather happy with life. Which…I don’t believe. Definitely NOT 71% happy in the USA.
The data would have you believe that the vast majority of ppl are happy with their lives, which is just NOT true. Just given the income data- where […]
If it’s alright, I will try to post poems every day. I write poems based on my feelings and experiences; it does help me make sense of all of it. If you don’t like any of my poems, that’s fine, you don’t need to read them or to comment on my post’s.
7 years ago
I still haven’t lived it through
So
I remember crying
I remember pleading
My mom divorced before
But I guess my father didn’t care
As when I was supposed to go
My sister went alone
It was a week
When we didn’t see
My sister was scared
The judge told him to bring her back
I blamed myself until now
My father shouldn’t have
Why did he kidnap my sister?
I couldn’t say at all.
Safe to say
I have grudge for him
He will fall.
I didn’t watch the first video in this series, and now I don’t think I’m going to. It’s a three part series about these guys building a truck to ride abandoned rails, it’s the kind of thing I’d do. I was waiting for this, I wanted to see how it ended because I’ve rode bike trails following old abandoned rail lines. I knew they wouldn’t drop at where they left the last video, but I’m not sure if this is any better.
They don’t say if that bridge at the end is the bridge, if it was that would be kind of satisfying. It bugs me […]
I felt the need to do a “recon mission” last week to a fairly remote place I really enjoy, a place that may be my last place someday. It’s very far from where I live, so I spent a few days there. I arrived in the evening, so I got an early start the next day, as it’s a 5 mile hike to a particular spot I wanted to check out (the general area is large with very few visitors). After hanging out for a while, I started back down the trail to the little town I was staying in, and suddenly a raven flies […]
I’m 18 now and I hate how everyone just expects me to know what I want to do with my life. My cousin the same age as me and is always talking about doing architecture and going to college. I’m so jealous of her because I have no ambition there is nothing I want to do I don’t see a future for myself and I never have. I got kicked out by my moms husband, quit my job, broke up with my boyfriend and now am living in my grandmothers house talking to my ex and just staying In bed all day I don’t have […]
their life will get drastically better and they won’t be depressed anymore? Maybe the young ones have hope. But for people >40…?
who would it be and why? Could be a real or fictional character.
Warning, oh my gosh the trigger warnings, I’m going to post some graphic and awful stuff in this post. TO keeep that off the main page, I’m going to cleanse the top of this post with a video of a puppy.
Handguns are not very good guns to begin with. Their range of effectiveness is relatively close range, and frankly to me I’ve always thought a knife would do a better job most of the time. People are more frightened of knives, and knives never misfire. Knives don’t need ammo, nor do they misfire and hurt people you don’t intend. It’s just part of the West […]