Not suicide related

This world is fucked. It won’t ever be the same again. Well, the world was already pretty bad anyways.

Hopefully I’ll be dead in the next year or so, I still have commitments, and again, it’s not easy to die, or many more would be doing it.
(Wouldn’t want to fail at that…)

Look at brain damaged people in wheelchairs for example. I’m not belittling them or picking on them. Why would anyone want to ‘live’ like that? It looks like a non existence to me.
Yeah brain damage can happen if you don’t succeed at suicide…

Part of me wants to live and hope that […]

i need help

i don’t know why i’m writing here. there is no hope for me. none.

i’ve been contemplating suicide for many years but never had the guts nor the impulsivity needed to do it. all i hope in life is for death to arrive swiftly and painlessly if possible. i plan on jumping from a high building but my brain is so foggy i might not gain access so easily as i thought i would so plan B is the good old hanging, wish i could jump hang myself but i’ll probably fuck it up. i am really afraid of just damaging myself, i especially fear brain […]

To people who just don’t have a clue? When the burning feeling inside starts and you want to claw at anything…the Walls your skin. When every inch of you wants to not be alive anymore. It’s these moments that are the most lonely for me. No matter how much I try to reach out to people or even explain it’s like they hear me but they are not listening. Im a loving and accepting person but no matter how often I extend my hand to people to try feel less lonely nobody wants to know. They never recpicrocate. People in my life would much rather […]

Hello.

So basically, I had poison and drank it slowly (I was really scared to say the least) and my brother found me. I had my stay in the hospital and ward and back to my place a few weeks ago.

I came out as transgender to my family and since then I want to attempt again. Its awkward to talk to anyone. I became paranoid (much more than I was before) and now I’m absolutely terrible.

I don’t know what to say. I just want, I dunno, someone to talk to, or something to get my mind off of everything. Also I hope toke is still around […]

[rant alert]

I’m unlucky. I can’t even begin to say how unlucky I’m. Maybe I just fuck myself up, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m fucked. I’ve nothing. I would top the school back-to-back in the mid-tests and mid-exams, but then my body would randomly decide to put my life in danger during RE/TEE. I had acute health complications, both physical and mental. I survived Varicella in grade 10 and Enteric flu in grade 12. I had only 30% attendance. Although, I still managed to score 97% (with two 100/100) and 92% tho, I didn’t top the school. That sure was embarrassing — note: […]

Presumably I’m resisting suicide because of some kind of survival instinct. And I can’t convince myself it would be best to try and overcome that – at least while my parents are still alive and so invested in me.

Which leaves me trying to make my life less miserable. And I honestly don’t have a clue. My body leaves me uncomfortable most of the time – my digestion, skin, back, teeth – all cause me pain. I’m constantly tired – even when I get lots of sleep. It’s like there’s nothing in the tank. I wake up, have breakfast, and I just want to go back […]

Last time I was on this site it was on July 11th (my birthday) when I tried to kill myself (I failed) and then I found a tiny glimpse of happiness. Now almost exactly 5 years later I find myself even more broken and on the verge of suicide yet again. That tiny glimpse of happiness I was talking about was my girlfriend we were together for 5 years. We were on and off but still remain close and basically still dated even tho we were on and off (if I’m making sense). Being with her filled me with so much happiness and I fell […]

I’m so lonely it is painful. 2020 has just been loss and a pit Three days out of 7 I’ve been thinking of just not existing. I’m stock piling my medicine because really what is the point. I just want a solid reboot.

Except there is no redo. No reboot. Just trudging forward.

Hey, to anyone who cares. It’s been 7-8 years since I’ve posted here. I don’t know why I remembered this site tonight, in this moment, or why I still remembered my misspelled username and account password. I don;t know why I decided to even write anything. Maybe if you’re looking for a sign, this is it. If you believe that kind of thing.

I’m alive. 8 years and I’m still alive. It got better for me.

Sure, I still struggle with depression. Sure, it gets tough. After all, I did still think of this website. But I learned how to manage. I learned how to outlast the […]

…one of those rare days when I wake up and not feel the inconceivably vast feelings and emotions that usually bothers me every day, and I feel that I can do something productive today; like I’m feeling actually ‘fine’ but then I know as the day will grow with time, this emptiness takes over along with a strange numbness, which is not painful so it’s kind of bearable but at the same time, I don’t feel anything at all, not even joy or happiness. And so I want to get hold of the pain just to validate my existence. I don’t know what I’m writing, […]

I can’t be fixed. I’ve come to terms with that. I wasn’t broken, I just wasn’t made right. No ones fault. Not mine. Not my family’s. Not even God. If he is still up there. If he ever was.

I’m just here. A misfortune placed on myself and this world simultaneously.

A festering, pulsing tumor in my mother’s womb, which then became a shrieking, writhing imp that my parents forced themselves to love. It’s been two decades since then. How much suffering have I caused in such a meager lifespan? How much suffering will I bring in my wake?

I hurt myself because it makes me feel like […]

For the past ten years, I’ve wished that I were dead nearly every day.

I’d have moments of light. Sometimes they’d last for weeks, maybe even a couple of months at times. Months where I’d be happy, where things would seem brighter. But even on those days, I’d still have preferred to die. I just wasn’t actively yearning for it, at least not as much.

This past month or so, I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’d rather live than die. Where there’s enough that I want to do, enough that I care about, that I wouldn’t really mind continuing to live for a bit longer…

There […]

[no censor]

I don’t wanna fucking live anymore. I hope there’s no afterlife. I just want to die, and that is fucking it. If there was another realm or anything of the sort, I’d seriously be more fucked up than I’m now ‘cause I think the problem is not just with my body and my mind, but also with my soul – if there is any. I feel like some evil maggot has drilled a hole so deep in my skull that it is controlling every fucking thing that’s me. I just wanna be gone. Forever. I wanna die, and I don’t give a fuck about anyone. […]

i’m here after two months. feeling slightly better as my second year of uni commenced a week back and i became a part of a pretty good research club. i’m here to talk about fond memories and clinging on to them. this post is mainly about a friend i made in grade 10, four years back. if you’re ever here, N, i hope you come across this.

she transferred from an all girls school to a co-ed school (mine) in 2016. i was one of her first friends. turns out she lived literally two fucking minutes from my house. we bonded pretty well and got close […]

Is toxicity transferable? Does it run through the veins of those it poisons, to be then passed on to their children?

Or, is it just a case of toxicity being contagious? One person is patient zero, then it spreads to whom ever they come into contact with?

Or, can the same argument be said for it, as the old nature vs. nurture debate? Is it the environment that surrounds them, or how they were raised?

Or, is it everything and none of it? Bits and pieces of all of us soaked in it, choosing whether or not to let it define us?

Maybe it’s all of them. Who really […]

Approximately 40 hours ago, I consumed 20,000MG of Tylenol PM in an attempt to end my life. My research led me to conclude that anything above 4,000 mg in a 24 hour period, could cause liver disease and if left untreated, liver failure and death. The first 48 hours are indicated to be mild flu like symptoms like nausea, loss of appetite and diarrhea which I have.
From 48-72 hours post consumption, symptoms of liver failure damage begin to show. Things like jaundice and confusion.
It would seem to me that I am such a successful failure that I cannot take my own life. This […]

I can’t stop thinking about death. Maybe I would stop if I would find something nice to do, to feel good and to do some nice things that would take my death thought away. I don’t know exactly what things I should do that would make me feel better.

I OD’d on my psychotropic (/psychiatric) pills in 2019. ‘Twas a heavy overdose and my pills were strong and of very high dosages. I was naturally almost sure that I’d wind up dead. But guess what? I woke up in the morning. Not in a good state at all, but I awoke. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t utter a solitary word. Hell, I couldn’t even see things. I was cold. I’ve a long history of mental illnesses – BD (+ Psychosis — Schizoaffective disorder) and various PDs, so my folks figured out that I must’ve once again yanked some suicidal sh_t when I […]

I don’t think I’ve been this bad in a while. Thankfully I have more self control than previous years. I can mentally fight myself to stay clean. I just wanna see blood. I wanna slice my skin everywhere. I’ve been clean for 5.5 years from cutting. I really don’t want to back pedal. I know I wouldn’t be able to explain it to my fiancé if he saw it. I’m just so trapped in my head. I miss the support I used to have with people and a lot of people here. I feel alone. On top of the desire again to cut, I want […]