Hello. I know none of you know who I am. You don’t know where I’ve been or what I’ve been through. But I know your pain and you most likely know mine if you are here. I met a boy my freshman year, his name was Jake* (names changed for privacy). He was always there for me and a good friend of mine. He started to like me before I knew it, but I did not feel the same way. He soon became obsessive and so we drifted. The following sophomore year, we became friends because I thought the obsession subsided. I soon became friends […]
I don’t know why I can’t let go of you. You’ve told me you love someone else, yet I still torture myself by calling you trying to patch things over. No one could love you like I do… No one will ever fuck you like I did. I’ve tried to let go… I can’t I just can’t, and I wish I knew why. I would have killed for you, and now I’m dying from you… Isn’t it Ironic? I’m doing everything I can for your love, I’ve become a neat freak, because you hated the condition of my room… My apartment is spotless. I’ve lost […]
Today is difficult. Today is just like every other day. I have been suffering from depression for months now, this is not the first time I have felt this way. This is definitely the worst though. I have found the strength to get out of bed and see a counciller, I have found the strength to start going to classes again. I have discovered that everything that I have been going through has greatly affected the people around me, I have been told that my depression is not only hard on me but it is hard on my friends as well.
I have also learned […]
I was thinking about the whole point of existence. I go through the motions everyday, I eat when I need to, bathe, etc. As human beings we all do all these necessary tasks in our life and the one thing that makes it worth it is Love. If you take Love out of equation, when you’re absolutely lonely, with no happiness, every thing seems mundane and pointless. Just for curiosity’s sake, is there any other point to being alive aside from feeling some sort of Love?
I’ve noticed that lately I’ve been purposely making people angry at me. I’ll tell them things that I shouldn’t or say things I know will upset them.
I didn’t know what I was doing this until I remembered that I did the same thing a few years ago, when I was about to attempt suicide. I pushed them all away so they wouldn’t care I was dead, and so that I wouldn’t feel any obligation toward them.
I don’t want to be kept alive because I “have friends to think about”. None of them are real friends anyway. They were just waiting for a reason to get […]
The rope is tightened
The neck got broken from the fall
Premature fracture due to a lack of comprehension
Negligence of knowledge only brings a surge of ignorance
Once the bell rings, defending your point becomes purposeless
Cause like a plague, the news spreads and locks up the weakened body
Into a hole as narrow as their mind
An hermetic cell
Inside your head
That makes you blind
Get out of it
And think by yourself
Or you’ll die alone
It’s an invaluable virtue to be able to understand this madness
As a loop of information flows, and always ends […]
Why do i keep hanging around here?, Its probably that thought clawing at the back of my mind … the one everyone else who comes here has. I read posts here and wonder how you all can express yourselves so well, iv always had a hard time telling people what i’m really thinking and the emotions I feel unless its in a poem but even then things are very vague. I wonder if anyone will understand the next one.
You are my affliction, you have stolen my ability to move one through my own accord. You are my addiction, My eyes are swollen and death is a price I cannot afford.
I want to rip myself into a million little pieces. The worst part is that I’m so fucking perfect. I’m the double zero who always gets the guy. I’m the enchanting student with the brilliant mind. I’m the girl who is nice to everyone. I’m the girl that parents wish their son would marry. I’m THAT girl. But I still hate every single fiber of my being. I have everything going well for me on the outside. Inside I’m just bleeding and bleeding. I should be dead by now. How did I make it this far? There is only so long that the crushing pain can […]
It physically feels like there is pressure on me right now. I’m not stressed out by anything really. Maybe stressed out by my lack of stress over things like school and whatnot, but that hardly counts. It just feels hard to move. Inertia is becoming an increasingly strong force on me it would seem. I really wonder if I want to die. I don’t think I want to, but I’m pretty sure it’s something I’d be okay with. I’m not okay with the way things are going, the way my life is going, and I’d like to just take a long vacation from it. I […]
honestly sometimes i don’t know what keeps me going.i guess it’s just friends at this point.and right now they’re so distant in my life that even that barely seems to matter anymore.i’ve been diagnosed with depression and a couple of anxiety disorders (including PTSD) which make my life seem like a sick joke, and a hell i could’ve never imagined.sometimes i question (and i’m being fully honest about this) if maybe this isn’t life for real.sometimes it just gets so bad that i feel like i AM in hell,and hell is earth.i’m 20 years old.my family is completely disfunctional,both parents are alcoholics and tear at […]
Sleep, then only escape I get from life. As I drift off into a world of nothing I have no worries and no cares. Everything is just so peaceful. Half the time I don’t remember it but thats the best part. I feel like every-time when I sleep I die. I fall into a space of nothingness and I’m gone. Lost forever. But then I wake up and everything sucks again. If only I could sleep forever…..Oh wait I can. And I want to. Every-night I wish I never have to wake up again. That I never have to breath another breath and my heart […]
But I will be. I have a method and a location. Just need the time. The day. Month? I’m not ready. I have so much to think of, to plan. I have so many things to figure out first.
I’m not ready. But I will be.
Don’t hate me. I WILL be ready.
I just got married in September. I took a long honeymoon with my new husband and sitting on the beach, I didn’t think about how depressed I am. It took only three weeks back until I realized how lazy I am towards my own life. I hate my job but I don’t have the energy to change it (or at least try to get a new job). The problems with the economy have convinced me that it would be futile. Or at least that is what I tell myself. My friends are self obssessed. But I haven’t had […]
Dark father redreamer of sins
help me bleed till I die
Hide me from this rising daylight
And pless my nightly life
Touch the flames of this desire
And see the wind arise
The everlasting love has ended
As a shade of myself
Will you come to me
Will you cry for me
Will you bleed for me
Will you join to me
Just follow me
and forever be
Life in black
King reaper the giver of hope
Let me pass you one more time
I am the shadow in silence
I travel with the night
I used to have it all
Now I have nothing
I […]
I guess my biggest problem right now is that I can’t seem to get myself together enough to tell them the truth. I mean people know, my family and friends know that I’m like this(suicidal) but no one knows why because I’m to scared to tell them. I do have a therapist, and I am on anti depressants, but I don’t want to talk. I mean I do want to talk, I just can’t. The words literally won’t come out of my mouth. I really have nothing to be ashamed of, because not a single thing that happened to me growing up that was my […]
I keep dreaming about blood. It could have been a bigger cut, than i would have died much faster.
How ironical i am not even lucky enough to die.
Until today i thought  i finally met someone like me. Someone who drinks too much and falls back in the corners when he feels lost among all those people in the room.
I also thought i finally got used to be disappointed.
I can t believe i felt like the happiest person in the morning and now i am completely torn apart.
How easily people get fooled and i told myself a dozen times that i won t trust […]
So. I LOVE thinking about killing myself. It’s like this morbid obsession I have. i love thinking about how I would do it, how my body would look all mutilated and lifeless, and how my friends would find me and cry. Jesus. Anyone else have a similar story? Or am i just messed up???
There are some things I am trying to take care of before I remove myself from this life. I don’t want to leave my daughters with the financial burdens of my life with my ex, so I’m trying to get my affairs in order and have my funeral arrangements in place when the time comes.
This sorry life just makes it so damn hard to wait it out though. The sadness and sorrow are so overwhelming and it’s all I can do not to just go ahead and get it over with. I am so SICK and TIRED of crying, hurting, and just having […]