He’s like a walk in the sand, soft between my toes, warm on my skin, safe and serene. I see his footprints next to mine and think he’s never going to leave, that he’s going to stay right by my side for as long as I need him to be there.

There is something about him, something that makes me think that I can trust him. I’ve never been able to trust anyone before, especially a boy or a man. Not with anything.

But Grant…he’s different. He listens to me, gives me advice. He cares what happens to me, worries that I’m going to do something stupid. […]

I hate this so much. I haven’t eaten in 4 days, but hardly anything withing the past 2 weeks. I feel faint and gross but not hungry at all, thank gosh. I love how much more alcohol affects me now though, its great. I have thrown out more of my belongings now and erased most stuff from my computer, including passwords on to sites and photos. I think I am doing well with covering up that my depression is still around. My ‘family’ have no idea, I try to act fine when they are around so they don’t worry but the truth is I am […]

There is this guy Edward whom I have known for 7 years, we were in the Army together, and got deployed together so we know each other, but I got married to someone else then divorced, but Edward was always just a phone call away, we havn’t seen each other in the 7 years, but we were planning on me flying out to see him, in May, we live 1800 miles apart, right now, things were going good for the past couple of months, then he wouldn’t answer the phone, text me back or email me back, finally I texted him if he was seeing […]

Why is life so damn redundant? So repetative? Stuck with endless dailey routines and crazy schedules that were forced upon us at birth. I’m a 20 year old Female soldier, married, and  in the U.S Army, I work as an 31B which is an MP. I’ve seen shit most haven’t before I joined working for the Volunteer Fire Department in my hometown.  I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I can’t wake up in the morning for myself anymore, I now wake up for other people becuase it’s too damn depressing to do shit for myself anymore. I’m sorry for who I […]

Any new thoughts on what might happen after death? I’m just curious on what you think after reading other’s views on it.

But this ones more personal.

I feel sane inside, but I’m guessing I’ll look insane from the outside. I see things more…deep. Different.

I stood in my room, spinning with my arms stretched out, watching the LED lights on my ceiling fly in circles, feeling the air run through my fingers. it was nice.

I feel so different now, sane, like I put it. I feel rejuvenated.

today i was at the edge. everything within my reach but instead i went for a walk with a friend. i vented we sat at a park swing for about 2 hours and he just let me talk. and ive realized that even when people treat me like im worthless hes there and wont judge me for my actions. it was a windy day and he just let me talk and for a fleeting moment i was content with my life. of course reality has set in now and the boy who treated me wrong has entered my thoughts but i keep thinking that within […]

A poem I wrote about the night I shot myself. My suicide attempt and recovery

I’m wondering if you went through with it. If u did, I hope you found your peace. If you didnt, let me know your alright.

That’s all I want to know.

why DOES this place always have to be depressing? why is it always ‘I want to die, I wish I was dead’? can’t we also put in some happy things, make some friends through our humor, not just our depression. admit it, helping each other isn’t enough, it doesn’t quite do it. I know I’d rather have an hour long conversation about random crap than an hour long depressing conversation anyday :3 so here’s my first ‘randomcrap’ blog.

my cat’s stareing at me. I think he’s trying to use the force to get my pasta to fly into his mouth. xD

That’s what I need. I’ve tried to be positive openly so many times only to find that anyone i open myself up to will take advantage and abuse my goodness, well ok that’s the nature of the biological mind – predatory. I don’t blaim anyone.

The problem was that I resolved to hating them all as a way of defense and to escape their lures but it doesn’t really work well and is more like a boomerang really. Hate returns in the form of dread, it seems. Even though it doesn’t affect the anxiety, depression and emptiness attacks, i atleast don’t have to deal with this […]

I’m not here to share any suicide story, I’m here just talk talk in public for the 1st time in my life…and yet it’s not about me..

I’m that closed person, my head is my home, I am a strong guy and everybody around me knows that..

I have been through a lot, it’s true and nobody can say it was nothing, it was all reall hard and still.

but as I said I’m here not to talk about myself or to share a suicide story, I’m here to talk about the ruin of the most beautiful thing I have ever had, the best thing I ever had, […]

its so easy to vent your feeling to a stranger, someone who wont judge you, or at least you hope he wont. ive made so many mistakes and i keep repeating one because i think that maybe just maybe this time it will be different and that it will make me feel valuable instead of cheaper, but it doesnt. for the moment it doesnt feel wrong but afterwards my brain takes over and i begin to think and i see my error and i want to take it back but i cant so then i just want to stop myself from doing it again not […]

Since I was 13 I have had alot of trouble with depression, ten years later it hasn’t gotten much better. At age 15 I attempted to kill myself by shooting myself in the chest with a .22 handgun – the bullet missed my heart and went through my ribs. I spent some time in the hospital while I healed and a few days in a mental hospital, but I was able to convince them that I was ok. Months of emotional agony later I was able to pretend for a long time that everything was ok. Sure, I had my bad times, everyone does. But […]

1. Are you now studying (school/uni?), or working? at which field/career? does it suck, or you enjoy?
2. And for those of you who are both not studying and working, how do you ‘finance’ your everyday living?
do you still stay (& provided) with ur parents? or…?

As for me, I shamefully admit,..I belong to the 2nd category, and yes, I still stay with my parents,..despite my age of almost 29 yrs old…. this is really pathetic/sad, especially in the eyes of my ‘practical’ parents AND society!
It doesn’t even matter a shit whether if people often are ‘surprised’ by my intelligences, deep […]

if I shoot MY  self  in  heart how long will it take me to die

topic one; Sleep! woke up at 5pm today, while yesterday (for some reason) I woke up at 8am, yesterday I woke up happier, even though I got less sleep o.O seems my entire theory’s a load of crap. I’ll go to bed at 10 today, well try. see if I wake up happier.

2nd topic; meeee. I should start trying to fix myself, I’ve always stayed up talking to friends who have issues until the unmentionable hours, always turned down chances to get out so I could MAYBE talk to them today, maybe cheer them up. but it’s not working, it just made me feel like […]

I think I’ve screwed up one too many times. My record will be ruined, all my future aspirations are thrown away. I’m too impulsive I can’t make the right decisions. I’m only 18 and i’ve fucked up too many times, I can’t live the rest of my life like this. There’s no fixing what I’ve done. My parents will never look at me the same again. I feel like i’m not meant to be here, ive hardly contributed anything to the world and I don’t know what i’m doing here. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, all I do is think about my purpose and […]

Its about to get real exciting.

In Japan we’re facing a total nuclear meltdown of multiple reactors and noone can fix them cuz if u get 2 close ya’ll be dead before you started…and so the spent fuel rods that have to be cooled in powered cooling pools of water are already sticking out of the water giving off radiation into the air and nor is the cooling mechanism working. The media is covering everything up.

Then in Libya we have a war going on between the UN and basically Africa. Today the African Union has called for a stop of the attacks on Libya. As Usual […]