I am actually doing it I am leaving him. I got approved for an apartment today and can move in next week. Its in the same complex as one of my work friends so I have support and she can help me watch out for him. I am also getting him to sign something saying he wont take the dogs from me, and within a year I can file for divorce and really be done. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t have any furniture or anything else for that matter but i don’t care im done with the abuse and even if im […]
Life sometimes can be really cruel.
It just waits, waits for you to go deeper and deeper in the abyss.
Then, when you are at the bottom of it.
Life offers you an opportunity to go back.
But you can’t really seem to understand if it is really an opportunity or just an illusion.
I am waiting.
Waiting to see what it really is.
Waiting for it to save me or devour me.
Off my mother’s bookshelf, great perspective on how unimportant you really are over time.
The Deliverance
by Anthony De Mello – Wellspring 1986
To see life as it truly is, nothing helps so much as the reality of death.
I imagine I am present at my funeral.
I see my body in the coffin,
I smell the flowers and incense,
I witness every detail of the funeral rites.
My eyes rest briefly on each person present at the funeral.
Now I understand
how short a time they have to live themselves,
only they are not aware of it.
Right now their mind is focused,
not on their own […]
48 kg, let’s see how low i can go
I am so Tired. No one seems to have empathy and I dont Want their sympathy or pity. I’ve been pretending that I am Okay for far too long and I am Burnt out. I am So tired of being alive I cant Catch a break! I am Not someone who complains until my breaking point (hence my being here shouting into the void) and no one saw my struggle because my pride and pain tolerance are much higher than expected. I am Always in pain mentally or physically. I have A chronic physical and neurological illness and am extremely depressed since before that. I […]
to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do […]
Existing is so tiring: we go from doing one thing to another, and from that to another one. I cannot understand how people can live like this. There is no peace, no calm, no quiet, only movement towards an empty and nonsensical inevitable end: death.
How can I feel okay when I have to think about what happens next? I need a break, I need to breathe, I keep choking with the very thing that lets me be alive. It’s poisonous. It traps me here. My body wants to live but my mind is so tired of all of this bullshit it can barely take it […]
He paid attention to me. no one ever paid attention to me. my parents abused me. my friends ignored me unless it was convenient for them. my boyfriends acted like i wasnt there unless they were kissing me. but he paid attention to me. he made me laugh. every time i felt bad butterflies. and every time i did nothing. i just stood there. i didnt say anything. i wanted to push his hands away and run. i wanted to run out of the school and down the road until i couldnt run anymore. it made me feel sick. and yet every time i acted […]
wtf is with the spam? it can be gone for months and then it seems like literally every post is spam. there has to be a way to fix this. i mean its a suicide site unless its a noose i highly doubt their spam is gonna sell here.
I should be researching methods, ordering equipment, preparing. If I was serious, that’s what I’d be doing. Instead I procrastinate. Clearly, I don’t want to die enough.
I just desperately want to not feel this way anymore. To not have the experience of being me anymore. To not have this guilt, shame, regret, craving, self-hatred constantly hanging over me. I want to be free of myself. But I’m simultaneously too attached to it all to let go.
Killing myself would devastate my family. So I shouldn’t do it. But it would (probably) put an end to my suffering. So I should do it.
It seems you can’t change […]
Do I end contact with the few who are close to me before I do it? Do I break up with my boyfriend so he doesn’t hear what happened? I want to do it now but I just want to make sure I’m doing it properly. We live together so it will be hard. He has nothing to do with this, honest.
The monsters didn’t come.
Their arrival has been delayed.
But I’m sure they’ll come soon..
I’ve finally found love in myself, and now I can’t find love.
I’m so in my head lately. I eat pretty much once a day but not cause i’m trying not to i’m just never hungry anymore. I don’t do anything all day unless I have school but other than that i’m alone in my room all day. I can’t seem to get out of my head. I’m scared of what people think about me constantly and I wish I just didn’t care. I don’t want to die but I just am so bored with my life and I don’t know what to do. Even when I do go out of the house I only have 3 […]
I’m tired of being sad and lonely and having other problems too.
So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can’t destroy what isn’t there
-SK
last night, party, emotional breakdown in front of everyone. i never wanted them to see me like that, i never wanted to spread my issues onto the others and hurt them, yet i did. i can’t keep living like this, one day i wake up and try to get everything back on track, another day i wake up with voices filled up in my head, i haven’t eaten a proper meal a long time, i should but i don’t think i need to, i stopped getting hungry. we only had 12 beers unopened and they gave me 3, not nearly enough, my head cleared up […]
I think that the monsters are coming.
I feel them, they are getting closer.
Tonight, they will be here.
And I will be waiting.
I was waiting for them for a very long time.
The time has come.
And I fear that I will not be able to see that person..
But to the other side, I feel relieved, I will not harm anyone, anymore.
Any one eles been using this since since or before 2013 or is evey one dead?
To what extent have I put myself in this position.
It is so shallow, it makes me sick.
I’m slowly crumbling away.
Willful ignorance, but never in control.
The light revealed itself, but the darkness already consumed me.
I’m not sure whats real anymore.
It’s all a sham.
My fate was sealed.