I’m the last person anyone would think to be like this. People think I’m everyone’s weird, wild, funny friend…and that’s what hurts the most. And it’s so hard to tell someone you’re depressed. I told some of my friends and they thought I was crazy or stupid. I remember getting really, really hurt by what someone said to me… Try being depressed when you start at the age of eleven.
There used to be a feeling that I could not describe, but it happened to me daily. It wasn’t normal, I knew that. I don’t know, it felt like someone was sitting on […]

I don’t know, I just need some advice I guess.

I lie too much and am trying to break that habit with all the will I have but can’t seem to… I know that is contributing to my depression but I don’t know how to stop.
My therapist isn’t really helping on that matter and the meds I’m on can’t stop me from lying.
Anyone have any advice how to stop?

I also know I wallow in my problems too much but always want to talk them out but then people just tell me to “scrub my past and be happy” but I don’t know how. I […]

there have been lots of times when i have been depressed, i cry sometimes. like uncontrolably for hours, but that hasnt happened in a while. i usually do that when i know no one can hear me, because i dont think they would really get it. like most people i know they turn around and go “well you have it a lot better than some.” my best friend, and in some ways my only friend called me a spoilt bratt, when i was depressed on monday.  thats why i  dont trust her enough to talk to her, thats why i’m here.

i dont sound all “woe […]

I wrote a post sometime last week.  I am not sure of the date as it was mostly a blur.  The time came again.  Last Tuesday at 5pm after countless minutes/hours/days/weeks etc etc of wondering if suicide was what I want, I tried to commit suicide for the third time.  I popped a hell of a lot of panadol, drank some vodka and cut my wrist (again).  This time I was going to be successful, I was bleeding everywhere (I had hit a vein) and I was slowly passing out.  It was getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open.  Then much to my disgust my mother […]

hello, i am here today to tell you about my site… you see, i grew up in a family where my mom and dad were fighting constantly, my mom cheated on my dad and that just lead to a down  fall… anyhow, when i was five, my mom left my dad and i went to live with her, i never knew my dad growing up which could have helped me as my mom was an alcoholic drug dealer… and well that should say it all.

i grew up hating myself, woundering what I did to make my parents split, and believing my dad did not love […]

I think it started when I was a lot younger than I am now. I now realize that in the past I fed off of guilt. Somehow, I liked the feeling of making people feel guilty, making them feel regret. And I was that way because I was sick and tired of myself being a magnet for those emotions. Maybe then, I wanted people to feel what I felt. Every little event that happened to me always started to build up through the days into something big, and I would always just look at the things I had done, and just say ‘Man, my life […]

Ok I  read here a lot and have posted here when  I have been feeling way off he planet, which is increasing often now. I feel “ok” right now. But there are some things I want to know.

1st this is how it is:

Not always but in the mornings when I wake up can feel like a light switch in my brain has been switched off.     Feels/sounds like dousing a match in water like. Like  waking up and then just deflating  (Always Followed by nonfunctional bad days)
Generally  allways being “aware” that im sad / horrible / hurting all the time. Not fitting in.( I would […]

Hey if anyon needs any help or advice im always here and my e-mail adress is lollypop2694@hotmail.com so feel free to contact me any time. xx

When I was a small child I prayed many times to disappear into my Winnie the Pooh books, where I could be happy forever. That was a dumb prayer, though, and anyway it never happened, so I’m still here. I kept a knife under my mattress for a week, after I had a dream that a psychopathic killer was coming for me. In the dream, I decided that the best thing to do was to kill myself before the murderer got to me, as I could give myself a quick, easy end with the knife and spare myself a torturous death. As an […]

Hello. I am depressed. I need to go to a place where no one can judge me and yet I can tell anything too. In short, I messed up, I messed up my whole life and future. I was dating a boy for a year and a half and he didn’t receive enough attention from me. I was being beaten a lot from my father and I did not want to tell him because I was ashamed of it and I did not want him to get hurt as well. I wish I told him so we might still be together. After he broke up […]

I’ve tried to kill myself so hard! In many times. I just wanna die, but I don’t know how. I mean, I need a plan to execute. Make a plan, I don’t know.. Some times life is a fuck contest of status, or beauty.. I can’t see my life better than.. that. My whole life was a fuck lie, and I have never seen one reason to live. I have never a relationship goodness, I don’t have friends, I mean.. I do, but its not the point. Isn’t my life, I don’t have plan for the future, I aways think in die, or something like that. I […]

I’ve thought about committing suicide for the past year of my life.  I’ve thought about cutting my wrists but have decided that would be too bloody and painful.  I’ve thought about jumping in front of a Semi, but then I couldn’t do it because of the compassion I felt for the poor sorry bastard driving the truck.  I’ve thought about shooting myself, but the only guns in the house belong to my dad, and I sure as hell am not dying by embedding one of his bullets in my brain; he got me here in the first place, and I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he has succeeded in killing me […]

in responce to that first comment on my last blog (sorry about the spelling): i didnt mean for it to sound like i was competing, or even to insinuate that this is, somehow a competion. just that i got the feeling that my last post was being pooh- poohed as unimportat. any way. i cant talk to my friend (we’re 17), thats really the whole problem, i dont know how to express my self (hense competition thing), i either underestimate the whole situation, and then people dont belive me, or i go ott, and end up getting really defensive. 

i cant talk to my mum or dad, […]

I tried to commit suicide in 2002. My children were young at the time. My daughter was 11. My boys were 6 and 7 years old. My daughter has since been affected by this. She is now 18 but had tried 2 times. Hospitalized both times. Now, today, she is suicidal. crying and sad. Not feel like eating. She doesn’t want to eat, can’t sleep and doesn’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t know what I can say to her anymore to help her. I want her to feel good and alive again and not go through this feeling anymore. She is on […]

Ok a lot of people may think i’m pathetic because i’m only 15 and i am already thinking about suicide… well i just don’t know what to do, i’m pretty much never happy i have so many bad memories in my past that i cant let go of… Up until about 2 years ago i always thought suicide was just an easy way out of things because that’s what my uncle did was take the easy way out of his problems by taking his life.

I now understand why some people think that is their only option, if you think you have nothing to live for then […]

ok. last post was a little vague i guess.

i was sexually abused when i was 6 till i was about 7/8 ish, by some boys in my primary school. (i’m a girl). I am absoulutly terified of people touching me now, anywhere. i csnt really get close to peoplr, obviously i have trust issues.  when i get upset, depressed – i cant talk to anyone, my friend gets really anoyed and angry.  she says i act like a spoilt brat, and i make her think we’re not really best friends. i told her about what happened to me. doesnt really look like she took it […]

Doesn’t look like there are any Aussies here at all.. wish I could make pact. I was planning to go out and try buy Heroin today and overdose on that. I thought what a brilliant way to go, floating away on a high… but I’m scared that I don’t know where to get it and it could cost more money then I have to get enough to OD… so… I’ve been doing alot of research. I agree. If we really believe we want to die and the pain of living is worse then the pain you may cause for anyone you may leave behind, you […]

I am such an idiot! I see that something is finally going right, then I screw it up! I hate myself. This isn’t me. It’s not who I am. It’s wrong. I know it is wrong. I feel so guilty! Why did I do this? I know what the outcome will be. I have this small doubt still. Somehow It will work out. What if it dosn’t?! What if I lose the few people I have just because I had to say a few things like that?! I know how wrong it is. How wrong I am to do so. What the hell is wrong with […]

I’m trying to be here and be happy but I just don’t know how long I can keep up this lie. I look at the person that really cares about me and feel so bad about lying to them. I’ve lied about a lot and I don’t want to keep lying but I feel that if I tell her what I really have going on in my head I think it would scare her so much she’d be afraid of me. Then just yesterday I did something stupid but she doesn’t know. The other day she asked me if I have been thinking about cutting […]

I’ve been trying to do better these past few days. It seems as though my underlying depression keeps tapping me on the shoulder, knowing when it can come back. Right when I think the world is good and dandy, something has to happen that crushes it.

My mother has been my rock for about a week now. She has helped me recover from my bulimia so much in these past few days that I feel like I can never pay her back. Shes kept a strong spirit about the whole situation, but yesterday she crumbled. I’ve so fucking stupid and selfish that I didn’t even realized how my […]