i think i might stop posting on this site/visiting it. for me, personally, when i dredge up the emotions im feeling and type it out like ive been doing, ive just started feeling upset because im re-living/focusing on that negative thing/and or the past. maybe it’ll help

Any tips on how to handle it when you have no prospect of things really getting better? It’s not a phase for me – it’s been over a decade like this. I’m too old to believe time will improve anything. This is me now. I’m long past the point where I can see any way out. There’s no hope left.

But I’m still here. I’m too scared to let go, and until something gets drastically worse (which probably will happen eventually), I can’t see that changing.

But I have no idea how to live with this. I’m just full of extreme loneliness, self-hatred, guilt, shame, regret, and […]

Hi everyone I hope y`all r doing okay…

I am going to do a test on 31 August for Medical University and I hope they`ll accept me, so I can make my parents a bit proud this time…cause I`ve already dissapointed them a lot of times.

I have a horrible fear of being sent to a mental institution. I’ve heard that if you tell a therapist (licensed), that you’re feeling suicidal, that you could get sent there. I lie about how I’m feeling because I’m scared: I haven’t heard one good thing about them. I want to talk about a different thing but I told an in-school therapist something that happened to me as a young kid and she threatened to get the cops involved. I lost my shit and broke down crying because then everyone in my family would know what happened and I would probably kill myself if my […]

I try to let myself go
I try to let him go
No i mean
I try to let myself go
I try to appreciate myself more
I try to love myself more
Cause i deserve it
And you dont deserve me

I give you another chance
I give you my attention
I give you my heart
But you dont take the chance
But you dont giving back attention
And you cant give gour heart

I deserve better man
I deserve another him
He who always there for me
He who make me his priority
He who appreciate the time weve spent together
He who laugh when […]

not suicide related

I feel that everyone else is somewhat agile. I’m only a bit agile when I wear closed in trainers, it seems. Everyone else can get out of a ferris wheel car unassisted, no problem. But when I tried, I felt like I couldn’t balance and I didn’t want to fall. and my boyfriend had to help me get out (he held my arm). Yeah I don’t really expect to be able to climb certain things like my boyfriend can but this is ridiculous. I bet he’s secretly laughing at my bad balance…

Clearly I stepped on someone’s toes. It’s just fucked up when all I ever did was just to be there. And listen. All from a safe distance and at their request. Now I quite clearly am no longer of any use nor of any concern.

Unfinished business cuts deep. And I seem to remember that was something that hurt you, too.

Just one more bleed to carry with me. And these bleeds are heavy.
Very, very heavy.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

I know I’m not alone. There are many people in my life who love me and I hold them dear to me. They always make it clear that they are here for me, but why do I not feel it? Why do I still feel so lonely at times. Laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. 11:59 p.m. on a school night. Darkness fills the empty silence in my room. Do they not feel the way I do at this very moment? Laying here with this empty feeling and no motivation to even move in the slightest. My mind can’t even race because it […]

We all constantly search for things in life that make us happy. Something or someone to bring us genuine joy. I search for that out of so many people. I see the potential and possibilities that lay deep within them waiting to come out. I want to see the best in people and help them as best as I can. When I reach out to receive the same help that I give, however, it’s pushed away. My mental health is too much for people and no one wants to keep trying for me the way I try for others. I search so hard for that […]

school is the fucking worst. im depressed and want to commit suicide, im already focusing on trying to get my head on straight; how do i focus on all this fucking work? my ma pulls out some summer math and is like “you’re not half-assing your work this year.” i wasn’t half-assing, i was and still am, severly depressed, im trying so hard, so, so hard to keep everything together with my mental state.  why doesn’t she understand im not as strong as her? i cant just get over myself; im still a fucking kid, why am i being held to the same standard as […]

Four years later, I am here; thankful that I didn’t give up, that i didnt end it when i thought that was my only option. I reread some of my posts and i remember vividly what that time was like but to anyone reading, to anyone searching for a sliver of hope to hold on to: this is for you. An overused cliche line i used to hate is “it gets better”, I always thought it was just a stupid expression, a common courtesy. But it does truly get better, it wont be easy and it wont be fast; it takes time – […]

How do crickets make noise all night? I don’t know how, but a cricket made its way into the room beside me, it’s pretty loud. Ah, there it goes again; it had stopped for a moment because I went out there to look for it. Like, dude, there’s no cricket girls down here, you’re in a basement, hush your stupid legs.

and i’m still sad

I had a rough day today. I am choosing to see the good in this world.  I am choosing to see the good in my life. I am choosing to see the good in myself.

I’m done with life now.  It’s never going to get better.  I’m going to try to enjoy what I have left of the vacation with my family but after I get back to school in September, if all goes the way I’ve planned, I’ll be dead.  I just can’t keep living, life will never be worth it, I will forever be a waste of space.  I was thinking of just slitting my wrists after downing a bottle or two of Tylenol or a similar over-the-counter medicine.  I’ve heard how painful and hard it is to overdose but at this point I’m real desperate.

I tried getting […]

I’m getting ready to go, and my ma is speaking rudely to me, despite me not giving her any attitude. She’s been a horrible person (alcoholic) to me and my brothers. She says, “You’re not coming if you’re going to be in a bad mood.” Fine. “Alright, I’m not going to go.” She snaps at me. She knows that I have suicidal thoughts and self-destructive tendencies + the fact that I got hammered last night. Why doesn’t she care? This isn’t normal for a 15-year-old. I keep pushing, waiting for her to notice. She doesn’t notice.  I have low blood sugar, that’s why I’m in a […]

I want more freedom, total freedom is death, I understand there have to be limits for things to exist but there are too many limits that take away more freedom than they should ? I don’t know for sure

Dear, World, Society, Acquaintances, Friends, and Family.

I Have no more left to offer. No more hope nor positivity left in me to give away.. I have seen where this world, and my life will lead us, and where we will end up. With all this time, money and effort spent on our lives and others, all to lead to nothingness, no endgame, no reward, no happiness, no closure, no nothing.

I have decided to take my life into my own hands, nothing will change tomorrow or 20 years from now, nothing whatsoever.
My life, this world is an inevitable skinking ship with no lifeboats and […]

A few months ago I moved out to a new city. I thought a change in scenery would be good for me. A new job. A new life. But… it wasn’t my location that was defective. And everything still feels grey, still feels the same. But this city has some very high parking garages. Sometimes I go to them, go to the top floor. 6, 7, maybe 8 stories up. It’s quiet up there. And looking out across the city it’s peaceful. And the ground below… But, I don’t think I’d ever do it. I’m terrified of death. Terrified of lack of sensory input. Terrified […]