I’ve tried to express this before, but there’s something absurd about experiencing desires that cannot be satisfied. I can recognise that yearning after these things is making me miserable – that it would be far better for me to let them go. Even that letting go of such things is a necessary condition for any human to be happy and fulfilled in the long term, that they’re ultimately superficial and unnecessary.

My life would be better in so many ways if I just didn’t want the things that I want, or if I didn’t feel the desire so intensely. But if someone were to offer to […]

tried to get started with my life at another location for six months. i mentioned my suicidal ideation and they just sent me to another inpatient, not allowing me to return. needless to say, im back from that inpatient and went back to live with family. i don’t really think this is a good fit for me, but i can’t keep stretching my limits here. hopefully i can make it thrugh this, however many yeaars it takes.. don’t really know if i can do it.

Loneliness is killing me

I just feel like I’m drowning. I’m so numb. I’m so tired of everything. Most of all, I’m tired of myself. I yearn for escape of any kind. Release. An end to all of this chaos, that never leaves my mind. The chaos of this world in general. The chaos that is myself. I’m exhausted. I’m mentally and emotionally just… drained. I’ve been drained for months. I don’t think it will ever end. I think I will constantly be in this drained state, even IF (a big if) I get around to getting my life actually, ya know, started… but that’s just the way of […]

…be living life better than humans O_o

I’ve always had bad luck. Always. God know he loves fucking me over. Yesterday I wake up early, 8 am, and think for a moment about skipping my 9 am class. I push through. The day before we got lots of snow. So of course, because God never misses a chance to fuck me over, while walking to school I slip on some ice and sprain my ankle. Fuck you too. I limp the rest of the way to school. Realize that it’s worse than I want to admit, I uber back to my apartment, grab […]

So many of my friends have had such, such difficult lives before I met them and even still now. They’re so much stronger than me for living through their issues. One friend works to provide for their family, and has been since they were sixteen (twenty now). They’ve provided over 7k to their shitty parents who don’t value them nearly enough (they don’t even have a bedroom) and one of which is a druggie.

Why are they able to go on? They’re very traumatized, I know, but they go on. They’re not even suicidal and they told me they haven’t even ever considered self-harm.

I want there to be something wrong with me. I wish a doctor could diagnose me with terminal inability to make friends. I want a scapegoat for my problems, instead of acknowledging that most of my problems stem from my own actions.
And then one might say to me on that subject (and I certainly have to myself, many a time) “why not take action, try to get out, try to meet people, try to focus, try to work on yourself. After all, nobody can do it for you – the best motivation comes with within.”
And I must say “but I have failed before […]

I spend most of each day lying in a darkened room. I don’t see anybody, or speak to anybody. No one knows I exist. Nobody thinks about me. Apart from close family, no one cares. I feel tired all the time. Broken. I have no drive, no fight, no energy to improve things. I’m defeated.

I still eat. I suppose there’s a deeper level of depression, where you’re completely catatonic and don’t even do the basics to keep yourself alive.

Beyond my parents, who I see once a fortnight, I have nobody. I have none of the social skills you need to build new relationships, and I’m […]

Does anyone else feel like they are stuck in a never ending swirling pool of darkness that is pulling you down? I mean at times my emotions make me dizzy. Thoughts racing, sadness, darkness and no way out. So many things are so wrong. I try to focus on the good. And I do have things I should be happy about. But the suction of my emotions wont let me up for air or to see the light of day.
This world is a horrible place. People are cruel. It seems everyone is out for only themselves. Finger pointing, acting like spoiled children, […]

Why is it that good ppl are generally the ones with tortured souls who wish to die, and yet the most evil, selfish, shittiest ppl are the happiest and most successful??

I know “life isn’t fair,” but that’s fucked up isn’t it?

Also, just bc that saying “life isn’t fair” is used so much- WHY do we just accept it without question? Humans really are sheeple- we are told something and we just blindly follow, never questioning jack shit. We *COULD* make life more fair, but we just choose NOT to.

Anyhow, I digress. It’s messed up that good ppl tend to get […]

It took me about two and a half hours to process the headspace I’m in right now, but it’s a better headspace than last night.

The problem is, I don’t know how to half ass anything. I do it, I’m learning, but it’s always been a challenge. To impress someone, my default is to try really hard. I really wanted to impress the interview yesterday, and I tried harder than I thought I could anymore. That hurt, a lot, pouring that much out, not knowing if it would come to anything.

I did a 10 mile bike ride last night after the interview, and now I’m sore […]

-_-

It pisses me off to no end how making ONE decision would alter your life so much, and that these decisions, while on paper seem very logical and the best move to make- turned out to be THE WORST decisions in my life.

Like for example- I went to the #1 ranked State University- it was the best ranked, and the most affordable, and the most logical thing to do. But turns out it was one of the WORST decisions of life. My idiot friend who got kicked out of my school for having 2.0-2.5 GPA, went to a rich kids expensive private school, […]

I did my interview today, and I think I did decent. The thing about it, I won’t know for awhile if I did well enough.

I’ve been over it with my wife and father, and they both said I should just keep going, keep looking.

Even though it might be futile. Especially, it seems to me. Panel interviews are tough to begin with, a panel with three cops (one of whom is the chief of police), and a member of city counsel. I’ve never had so many important people looking at me for an hour.

and that’s just it, I’m not important, not yet anyway. Maybe I will […]

I’m 47 years old and when I look back at my life I can’t find a single person who ever loved me. I began life as an unwanted pregnancy between two people who hated each other. Once my birth led to their lives forever being entwined, it seems that they could not get over their resentment that my existence was the cause of their misery. My mother spent my childhood deeply depressed. We did not know the words for it at the time and I did not understand the reasons even though I now do. Despite that, the damage it caused me, is apparently unreparable. […]

so i decided to go to urgent care yesterday, after seeing @heartlessviking’s post. it was right next to the dermatology place so i figured it was convenient. and like heartlessviking, time would have been better spent doing ANYTHING else. JFC, “healthcare” in America is so shit. It’s bottom of the barrel shit.

So apparently they don’t do much aside from dealing with colds and flu’s and shit, despite their website claiming they can do SO much, and listing a bunch of useful shit. And even with cold’s and flu’s, to get the basic standard labs to find out whether […]

I hate what I am. What I let myself become. But I suppose a part of me also loves it. Otherwise I wouldn’t still be clinging on.

There’s so many things you can do in life, so many things you can be. And I chose this. Maybe not consciously. But still.

Pretty much my entire adulthood, I haven’t really been trying to live. I’ve been too busy running from myself.

Because for all that time, it’s been clear. No matter what I do from this point on, I’ll always be a piece of shit.

So why bother? Why try? Why take care of your health and your body? Why […]

This is one of the geniuses in charge of us:

~1min short

Senator Tom Cotton
He doesn’t seem to know that Singapore is a country
And that Singapore is NOT China

Hey, if you’re Joe Schmoe the plumber next door and don’t know, that’s fine. But when you’re a FUCKING SENATOR and you literally control every goddamn policy in America, you shouldn’t be a nitwit with a 50 IQ. Yet, these are the leaders in charge of us. We’re fucking doomed.

I can’t really remember the last time I’ve felt okay. Or present, really. Been really dissociated and stuck in my own head. Stepping away from reality for a while’s kinda nice. I very rarely sleep. I’ve not done anything w my life yet. Was supposed to start school but I procrastinated on signing up for so long I ended up missing deadlines. No one knows except me. I know they’d all just be ashamed of me if they knew, and it’d be justified. It’s hard to say I find joy in anything anymore, other than perhaps the maladaptive daydreams I get myself stuck in, and […]