Few things make me want to say “fuck it” more than explicit reminders of how horrifying what I’ve done is to the rest of society. Of course on some level I know how awful it was. But most of the time I don’t actually feel that. It’s so mixed up with conflicting positive feelings that it doesn’t really connect.

But every now and then I get a stark summary of how the rest of the world actually views people like me. And I don’t want to live in that world. I refuse to exist in that reality. I can’t see any meaning to being that person […]

Drank a 6 pack in a matter of hours. 12 oz 9.5 ABV. I threw up. Didn’t know when to stop. Just kept going and going. God’s a cocksucker. He puts us on this earth to fuck with us. Only damn reason. Can’t take a shower. Too cold. Another reason why he’s a cocksucker. Sobbering up a bit. Just a bit. The acid in my nose hurts. Gargled mouth wash to soothe my throat. still hurts. Just want to take a damn shower. Can’t even allow me that. What a […]

do you relate to king magnifico from that new wish movie from disney?
you talk about being a cult leader or something. if you’re a good person, you can have power. i wonder if you demonize yourself

What if it’s all a dream or dream like. I’ve spent decade of my life trying to find a base, a solid base which I can trust and say “This is Truth” and build a system of thought, a life on that base. But I found none. All I find is lies. Even things as simple as material objects turn out to be lies as proven by scientists using mathematics and philosophers by logic. And I can observe it myself. I watch the door grow bigger as I move closer to it. Is it small or is it big? What is the True size of […]

Our society is fucked up. There is a reason why I am so unhappy with everything. Yes, there’s my personal issues like health and childhood/family traumas, but beyond that, there’s also the fucked up society we are living in that really gets to me. Our society is broken, in so many ways. If I didn’t give a crap like most ppl I know about things, then I could just be fine. The ppl who don’t care are happy as a clam.

Yes, I know I’m pretty fucked up from depression and trauma and everything that’s happened to me, […]

Today was really the big day. Two presentations. Not a lot in the grand scheme of things. But still. First one went bad. Like pretty bad. We didn’t really have anything to show. Our code wouldn’t work. Of coarse it won’t if you just started programming last Wednesday. You could tell the prof wasn’t happy. He did cut us some slack,said that things like this can be hard, but there’s no way we are getting anything higher than a C. That’s for the presentation though. The paper is separate and due Thursday. […]

Happy and Evil, or Super Depressed but a good person?

okay, part one; I’ve had a splitting headache all day, so I’ve had painkillers and feel weird in general, and maybe that’s all that is going on

but this isn’t the first time, I’m craving a drug I’ve never had. Not going to get graphic about it, but I have visualization fantasies about doing a particularly dangerous drug, and how does that work? I’ve never done it, and realistically I probably never will. This isn’t how I understand you get into such things… like isn’t it supposed to be a slipperty slope from legal or semi legal stuff? Most addicts I’ve met have done it to […]

not solving my problems. done

It is upon me. Like I’ve mentioned before, there’s alsways that one week of the semester that really screws me. Everything is due and I scramble. Now it’s here. TBH I felt worse about it this morning, but I think I might actually make it. Maybe. Hard to say.

I flipped a stupid coin to see whether or not I’d google her or not. Just to try and see her face. She doesn’t have any pics online from what I can tell. A facebook and linkedin that I can’t access due to now wanting to create/log in to […]

Where you been at? It’s killswitchon. Hit me up!

what would it be? A real one, that actual real ppl have.

Ex: Dog Whisperer (like Cesar Millan), Cat Whisperer, Super Hacking Skills, Super Memory, Super Intelligence, Be a Great Liar, Be a Great Manipulator, Super Strong (like Strongman), Super Fast (Usain Bolt), Amazing Singer / Dancer / Actor, etc

to love yourself and still be depressed? Are there ppl here that love themselves, have good self-esteem, and yet is still depressed?

Most ppl are depressed bc they are lacking in self-love, self-esteem, self-confidence. Or hating themselves for what they’ve done/not done, for who/what they are, etc.

Just curious if there are ppl who love themselves yet are depressed.

This Dog has a better life than 95% of humans. -_-

Just once in my life, I’d like to actually make someone’s day better. It feels like no matter what I do, I actively make everyone’s lives worse.
Honestly, my family is the only reason I’m still here. I don’t want to make them sad, but if it weren’t for them, I would’ve already spared everyone the misfortune of having to live with me. It’s not like the joy I bring to family means anything either, since parents like their kids by default.
I have zero friends and I’m bullied every day. Basically, outside of family (who like me by default) I have nothing […]

Looking for a purpose in life. Tying it to a certain person. Perhaps being self destructive. There’s nothing wrong with my circumstances except I’m what someone might consider to be a malignant person. I’ll do whatever it takes to fulfill my agenda. It just looks like I’ll be dying alone, confused, and most importantly, with a wasted life. And it’s all my choice.
I want to be alone. I want to stand apart. To hell with most relationships. Someone from my past left me alone and I don’t want to exactly say it hurt me, but it got me very disappointed in myself. The […]

I’m tired. I’ve spent the last four months shuffling back and forth between cities. I have a new relationship that takes up a lot of my time. I’ve neglected myself. I haven’t read for pleasure in months. Forget going to the gym, I haven’t run for any reason at all in weeks. I’m finally home and my exams are over. I suddenly have very little to do, and though I was looking forward to it, I don’t want to do anything. I miss both my cities. I don’t care much what I eat. I have more decisions to make about where to work and stay […]

From @Virus.Found:
“Where did my time go? Can I go back in time?” Very much this. Realising how long it’s been, how old I am, desperately wanting to go back.”

From @thehusk:
“will I be able to still make something out of it?” The older I get, the clearer it becomes how limited the future I’ve created for myself is. I have to face that most of my desires aren’t attainable anymore, if they ever were. That my chances of even scraping the minimal amount of contentment are highly unlikely, and in most cases the best I can do is try to find some way to […]

Turned out to be a man of his word, that is corrupt as fuck, which is just what one needs when it to comes to an insurance scam, particularly house insurance. I showed him around the house, ” You need to splash some water there, loosen a tile or two, put in a nice little coffee stain here” he said. Like anything in life you never know whether a plan will come to fruition or not. He mentioned a figure, a figure I found very pleasing, 12 grand. He wanted 10 percent as his cut. To make a long story short I got the whole […]