So empty. Tired. Weak. All alone. Surrounded by dark muck. Empty, numb, more pain. It goes forever on.

I feel like I should apologize to everyone who’s ever loved or cared about me. I feel like all I did was waste their time. My friend’s, family’s, partner’s.

So I’m sorry.

This was a different perspective on the whole thing than I’d heard. I hadn’t heard people say it was entirely avoidable, or refer to it as dangerous.

This is as a former social scientist, who has had specialty training on dealing with active suicidal ideation. As in, yeah, a motivated person can get out of the active stage. I’ve done it, I’ll do it again, it’s part of my life.

but….. just I’m not sure I agree that passive desire to die can be removed. Not reliably, not in a way we can replicate. Which is something maybe non scientists don’t understand why it’s such a hang […]

What if…everything you’ve done in the last 10 years has been one mistake after another after another? And you’re still making mistakes? What if we’re so fucked up we’re incapable of making the “right” decisions? I don’t mean things like doing drugs or alcohol or obvious fuck ups. But like making the RIGHT life decisions for us in the long run. What if we think we’re making the right decisions at the time but every decision we’ve made in the last decade has turned out bad, bad and worse?

What if every time we “zigged” we should’ve “zagged”? And that […]

Is there something you have done/not done that you regret and can’t forgive yourself for? Doesn’t have to be a “bad” thing we’ve done, could just be a stupid decision or something you didn’t realize could have such impact and lasting consequences.

There’s many stupid decisions I made that at the time I couldn’t have predicted it would lead to this, but nonetheless the present is the way it is bc of past stupid decisions/actions/inactions. It’s not easy to forgive oneself bc each of those decisions have led me to my current fucked up life. Some fucking up my health- not […]

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Hi, I have decided to follow through on a decision I have been thinking about on and off for years. Ove reached a point now where there is no point, use, enjoyment, anything for me on this life. The only thing that stops me is when I think about my mum or my sister. My mum is an extremely emotional and unstable person and i fear that in ending my own life, she may end hers. Also my sister because she is getting married next July and we are closed our of the four of us sisters and I know she really loves me. However […]

I’ll start with these few idiotic things:

(back when I worked)
-In the summer when it’s hot as shit, you go into your office building/floor and it’s cold af, the AC cranked to the hilt so much so to the point that you actually put ON a giant ass winter jacket or sweater to keep you warm. And it’s literally 98 degrees outside.
-In the winter when it’s cold af, snowing outside, they BLAST the heat in the office to the point where you come in and literally strip down to a tshirt bc it’s that hot in there.
-In the middle of winter, where […]

so, there’s another hope dissappearing into the sunset, or into the mist, whatever is the most anticlimatic depressing way for something to go away. Sinking back into the swamp like a depressed horse. You know what? Horse had a point, took the easy way out, it’s the end of that movie where suddenly things start working out after kicking the protagonist’s butt for hours that is unrealistic. That’s right, not the flying dog dragon, not the lazer eyed sphinxes, and not even the rock biter

I wanted to be wrong, so badly. It’s been almost constant, […]

Are people here also disappointed in “online friendships”? You think you get along well with someone online, maybe even chatting for months. Then they suddenly ghost you, or maybe they were never good friends with you to begin with and you find out just how little you mean to them. Online “friendships” disappear faster than an ice cream cone on a hot summer day.

But then again, it’s not like I make many friends in person either… -.-

Why TF is it still 90 FUCKING degrees here in this goddamn shitty city? I HATE where I am at. It’s been fucking disgusting ALL summer, the most miserable 4 fucking months. It’s fucking SEPTEMBER FFS. It shouldn’t still be so hot and humid and disgusting in SEPTEMBER!! For me, there’s health issues so it’s not just oh I don’t like summer. It super aggravates me skin condition and I can’t walk outside at all. Not to go get food, nothing. Even indoors is disgusting bc my POS AC is utter crap. UGHHHHHH.

I HATE my fucking life […]

For those of us with childhood abuse and/or neglect, are we just doomed for life? I mean sure, many ppl can continue to work and go through the motions of “life,” but how many of us damaged folks will actually live a HAPPY fulfilled life, free from our internal angst and inner turmoil?

ESPECIALLY those of us with severe childhood mental/physical abuse and neglect? Those with less abuse and neglect might be able to lead perfectly decent lives, but those who experienced severe abuse and trauma- do any of us really have a chance? I don’t think so. I’ve talked […]

Here comes AI to take all our jobs away and make humans obsolete.
And not everyone sees AI as a problem? “I’ve been programmed for good”…yeah, and all it takes is for someone to hack or program in something nefarious. Like everything doesn’t get hacked these days.

~6min

It’s overwhelming… too many thoughts. Future, past, failure, her silence, this deep loneliness… it’s becoming too much.

I want to make that decision right now.

I could use something here, in this place.

I could make it all go away for good… and that’s all I want…

I want to make my stupid selfish self go away…. my rot that does nothing good for the world… I’m too loud and obnoxious anyway… and just an idiot… I’m consumed with worthlessness.

Too much, it’s all too much… in any case, I know I can be easily replaced for a better individual… I’m not needed. It makes me laugh, sometimes, when she […]

That’s what my mother has always been, and will always be. WHY was I so stupid to not realize she’s the same old evil ***** who had abused me my whole childhood? What an idiot to think she’s changed or gotten better now that she’s old. She’s still the same lying manipulating ***** she always was. All she does is fucking lie to me and treat me like absolute dirt. I can’t fucking stand her. It’s been absolute HELL the second I got here.

Shitty ppl never change.

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I’m buzzing a bit on dopamine from the last few hours of this game, so this is my disclaimer of that. I could be full of it, as far as this particular mindset of mine working. Dopamine makes you think you have good ideas, and some times you don’t. That’s what makes one manic, excess dopamine, all the ideas seem like good ones. The reason it’s such a dark dive…. is that many ideas aren’t good, and unfortunately our brains use chemicals to signal that.

Seriously, it’s kind of screwed up that humans spend so much time fiddling with their dopamine and seratonin levels…. but that’s […]

I can not take one more day of this. I can’t keep feeling the way I do. I can’t take one more day of eating alone. I can’t stand to see another couple holding hands. I can’t fucking take another day of seeing her.

I saw her again Tuesday morning. She was 2 feet away from me at the most, if I reached my hands out I could’ve touched her. Guess what she said to me? Nothing. Nothing at all. We were texting for a week or so. She hasn’t responded to my text in two weeks. I guess none of her new friends […]

Its 4 am, im on my own. Im drunk. I started to “fix it” by snorting an assortment of drugs i have in my nightstand. Things have been looking down at me for the past few weeks, but it has been bareable. Right now im lost. Like i said, im all on my own tonight. I have all that i need and more with in arms reach. I dont want to kill myself but i am more than ready to die. Tonight the alcohol, drugs and blades seem like such a comfortable thing. It seems like the right thing to do tonight, eventhough i KNOW […]