Yesterday I walked out of my suburban neighborhood and into the desert. I found a hidden area with tall cacti and bushes to keep me hidden as I drank myself into a mess. I wanna change. I want to be normal. I want to stop being afraid of people. I want to learn how to trust humans but I’m so afraid of them.

I can’t even talk to my own family members without feeling socially anxious anymore. It’s bizarre how that happened. I used to be so close to my 5 siblings and parents. Now I’ve changed so much. I’ve changed in some good ways but […]

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is a fruitless wish bc it obviously cannot be undone, but fuck it all, I wouldn’t have had to suffer and live such a hard SHIT LIFE for multiple fucking decades if I was never fucking born.

-I’m angry I was born into the situation I was born to. Born to shitty parents- yes both.
-Born into poverty bc idiot parents decided to leave a good upper middle income to come to the fucking United States, where literally we’ve been in poverty since DAY FUCKING ONE.
-Born to shitty parents who have ZERO value for a daughter’s life bc daughters mean nothing to them
-I’m […]

That’s my life rn. I’m on a sinking leaking boat, but all I have is a small cup to toss the water out. I don’t have any other tools, and so I am forced to empty it out one small cup at a time. It’s a losing fruitless endeavor, but there is nothing bigger than the cup.

I can’t jump onto another boat bc there’s none nearby, there is no one out there throwing me a rope. And no life vest with no skill to swim. I actually don’t know how to swim IRL. So yeah.

That’s in essence my life […]

Which is why I sunk into depression to begin with….. I’m not motivated to want a lot of the BS products on the market…. most things I have to make for myself

but then I get into the cost….. and it’s more than I’ve got, almost always.

I don’t know if it’s unjust or not being denied it, but it’s frustrating because I feel like all people want from me is some desire towards things, some kind of interest in engaging with the world…. and when I do come up with something…. oh no that’s too much. So you want me to get out of my bed […]

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Stupid little dumb dumb

Pathetic little idiot

Better off dead to the world due to your rot

Worthless rot worthless rot worthless rot you are nothing but worthless rot

The unlovable mistake, the annoying little brat, the failure at life, the moron who would be better off dead. The selfish brat who still acts like a child because you are stupid and worthless. The shit daughter, the bitchy oldest sibling. The vile to look at little worm. Nothing but a disgusting little worm. Nothing nothing nothing.

You don’t deserve your friend. You don’t deserve any of your family’s support. You don’t deserve you partner, who all you’ve ever done is […]

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Fucking fungus is EVIL. I’m literally fucking cursed with this shit.

Most of my current issue now is dealing with my fucking fungus. it literally takes up HOURS of my time EVERY SINGLE DAY dealing with this shit. Constant putting on creams, vinegar, oils, and showering and scrubbing and this and that, literally half my day is spent battling this shit. It doesn’t go away, it only spreads. And no, there isn’t any easy cream or lotion or pill that gets rid of it. Last line of attack is this really noxious pill that is ONLY about 60%. While […]

The thoughts come at night. I mean, they are there all the time lately, somewhere close to the surface. At night they get strong. Distractions stop working, the images take over, take a hold and will not let go. My whole being rearranges itself around them, my new core, my only thought. Cutcutcut. Escape. I know it will not solve anything. I know the guilt, shame and pain it would cause. And yet, the urge is so strong. I need it. I cannot go on, i cannot keep forcing my lungs to breathe without it. I cannot stand existence. I know it will not help. […]

It’s dumb. Being gay or trans makes you a target. I have so much respect for Brandon. He was a cool guy, wish I could’ve met him. The way the cop handled his rape case reminds me of how I was treated when I went through rape, or someone showing up with a car after putting stuff in my house. Oh, and on a small level, how I’m treated over the 911 song, or the violent comps. How Gaga/Teen Mom 2 was using “Lee” “Harley” as an excuse to say drink poison when I vented on here. My point is, being gay means […]

@thebends, i’m copying your comment here so I can reference it if it’s in one of my posts.

—comment from @thebends—
Hey eternal don’t worry I won’t be leaving, the dark thoughts are too much a part of me to ever go away. But since I’ve outrun those dark thoughts (for now) I won’t have much to complain about so I’ll just be posting here less. Regardless of suicide, I think this is one of the best sites on the internet for expressing our feelings without being judged, so I won’t go far.

About our situations, I notice they’re a lot alike so maybe your path […]

i just don’t know what to do anymore. everything hurts- smiling, laughing, acting like i don’t think about dying and that i am not affected by all those insults. sometimes its just all too much and the worst part is that i have to act like it doesn’t affect me and that i don’t cut, that those scars on my arms are not my anger my frustration and my helplessness. all i can do is come here and write about it all, my feelings which i am too afraid to show others.

someone said to me that i have a lot in me but i don’t […]

people don’t understand how hard it is to survive. to live, not for someone else but for yourself. people say that you shouldn’t live for yourself but that is what everyone does because that’s what it means to be human-it means to be selfish. but what about people like me who don’t even want to live but do for the people around them, the few people who would blame themselves for my death. and also there’s my cowardness, the feeling that what is everyone going to think after i die?

i’m not lazy, i just have a certain amount of energy and right now i’m using […]

I can’t think clearly anymore. I mean I’ve been depressed for long awhile, but was never NOT able to think clearly before. My brain feels like mush. I don’t know if I’ve got brain damage (your brain atrophies when you have depression and also when your physical health declines, and I have both).

I can’t explain it. I mean I can think- like add 2+2 or whatever, but I can’t think CLEARLY. It’s more than not being able to concentrate. I can’t explain it.

That’s why I am apprehensive about taking that leap and expatting to a totally new country. […]

I need to stop moping around, depressed, not doing anything. Hell, I need to stop wallowing on here too. But I’m a fucking mess. HOW do I get my mind together to get stuff done? It’s not just not having the will. It’s not having the mental clarity to figure out a solution and go do it.

Like HOW do I fix my fungus without having to take toxic drugs that may not even work?
HOW do I expat to cheaper 3rd world country when I know no one, can’t speak the language, have health issues, have very specific […]

Currently dealing with skin fungus. It’s SPREAD all over my body, and I am at a loss of what to do. I do not go to see allopathic drs bc going to a drs office is what spread it in the first place. But natural stuff isn’t working. The toxic drug they have MAY work (in 60-70% they claim) which means realistically it’s more like 50%.

Dealing with that on a daily basis and not being able to combat that (and the past year due to multiple moves, it’s spread way fast) is taking toll on my physical and mental […]

I’ve always known these are the TWO things I NEED to get out of my depression and shit life. These are the 2 reasons why I am stuck depressed, not doing anything, feeling weak, helpless and hopeless.

IDK HOW @thebends found his/her self-confidence back, or what his purpose is, but that is the KEY to ME getting out of this as well.

How do I get my Confidence back?? No amount of self-help book is gonna cut it. I need to know what ACTUALLY works.

Our mindset is a helluva thing. If we THINK/KNOW we can accomplish things, and if we have […]

You’d never guess I’d be posting this after what I said last week about no one ever making it out of suicidal depression alive.

but yeah, I beat this. I didn’t just beat it, I fucking bodyslammed it into the dirt and pissed on its grave. 13 years of suicidal depression is finally over and I’m back to the real me.

Before I go on I want to be clear, even though I managed to squeeze my ass out of this beartrap I’m not gonna insult anyone’s intelligence by saying IT GETS BETTER because it doesn’t. It gets worse we all know that. Life is basically a […]