I had another therapy session with my psychiatrist. I basically told him all the stuff I say on here. Pretty much verbatim. He did say that my suicidal ideation is just a weird defense mechanism. A way to “calm” myself because thinking it means I always have an escape exit. An escape exit I never take, but still an escape exit. This is pretty accurate. If that wasn’t the case there wouldn’t be 8+ years worth of posts on here from me. There would be like 1 or 2 and I would be in the ground. […]

Oh city to which I was not born, and to which I never belonged

Oh city which never had place for me, always found new ways to charm and decieve me

Oh city, you are the city I both love and hate the most, and perhaps will always be

Oh city, which hates children so

Oh city, which hates the elderly so

Oh city, which hates the homeless so

Oh  city, who pities the rich, prosperous and Christian

I should have been your favorite, but I suppose I reminded you of what you despised.

Oh city, which provided for my mental health

Oh city, which once offered so much in terms of hope and […]

Does anyone else not necessarily have much concern for things like family, having a family, getting a significant other in whatever sense, and possibly maybe even friends in the traditional way? Not necessarily fervently avoiding them outright (although due to various things I guess you could say I am), and still having interactions with people whenever necessary, convenient or maybe even pleasant (depending on what counts as those things for you all), but really just not seeing the point of bonds that overstay their welcome, or usually turn out to be sour/regrettable, all of that stuff.

Of course, I wouldn’t say that healthy relationships aren’t possible […]

Two people I thought were dead, about two or three months ago, around the time I really came unglued. One online, the other my oldest friend……….. that is incredibly sad to me. That she’s my oldest friend, because ten years is small potatoes in the world of friendship. Thirteen years, and she’s one of the only people I’ve ever loved nearly unconditionally. All the friends older than her are either dead, out of state or pretending they never knew me these days.

Today at lunch I found out she was still alive, but barely, and it’s always barely. She has a heart defect, genetics are cruel. […]

I’ve thought before that part of my struggles in life might have to do with blood pressure. My dad has high blood pressure. I’ve been diagnosed with it, once. I’m on medication to control it. It happens to be also for sleep and ADHD.

Last night I took a shower, first time in a week which isn’t bad I have an office job. But the blood pressure drop after…. it lasted. It kept going until the next day, today. There was only so far I could get my blood pressure up today. It was like a speed limit. I know there was a beats per minute […]

I only get on here when things get really bad and surprise things are really bad again. I feel safe on here hiding behind a screen. Strangers telling me it’s going to be alright but I know it’s not. 23 feels so young but i feel like I’ve lived a lifetime and a half.

Today i was driving to work and though one small turn of the wheel and I wouldn’t feel pain anymore. But I can’t leave my cats. That’s stupid isn’t it? Staying alive for cats. My therapist says anything that keeps you alive isn’t stupid but i beg to differ.

Being in this relationship […]

Not one thing went right today. It’s kind of hilarious in a way. I don’t know where I picked this up from, but I remember hearing once that a certain part of comedy is watching something that’s not supposed to happen. A system failing. Like when you watch a person fall over. It’s not supposed to happen, but you saw it happen and that makes it funny. I think that’s why I’ve only been able to see all this as funny. It’s getting worse and I’m not sure how long I can find this funny.

Lately I’ve had this song stuck in my head, which is kind of impressive for me since I collect catchy songs;

I’ve been realizing I can’t spend my life reliving college. I have no idea where this song came from in my life since it came out before I was born in 1985. My parents didn’t particularly listen to Bruce Springsteen. My best guess is summer camp, we listened to a lot of cheesy Americana back then.

Anyway it sat half remembered in the back of my brain until last week. I was watching Bruce belt out one of my all time favorites Cadillac Ranch. He was […]

ohoy ig, I probably shouldn’t be doing this here but I feel safer here so apologies.

My favorite person, some who I have been able to connect to the most irl is leaving, we probably wont see each other ever again after this year and i don’t want that, i was not feeling terrible about myself and the world with them and if he leaves what do I do, think probably and thinking is bad, doing maths and physics wont take my mind off whatever it has been wanting to say “nihilism is back” and the “my life is a video game” wont work since I […]

I go back through my old posts every now and again to see where I was. Sometimes my problems seem so trivial and other times I remember the deep sadness I had back then. One post I made when I was around 17 I think mentioned that I don’t see myself living past 25. So that number has been in my head for sometime. I guess I just thought it was a good stopping point. I don’t turn 26 until December. There is still time to make good on my promise. Maybe failing this semester will give me […]

Not to complain, but this site has been feeling pretty slow lately (could’ve used a stronger word)…it’s unfortunate, I’ve been coming here off and on for years (under other names)…but I see few people reply any more to posts…it’s too bad.

In some ways I feel the most ‘real’ here…sometimes I say things on SP that I wouldn’t say to those close to me.

I also get the sense that sometimes some people might feel slighted by something you might’ve said, or they get bored with your story and don’t reply any more…it’d be ok if there was a larger group here…I’m not looking to make friendships […]

Is it better to be intensely depressed and hateful of people and hateful of this world, or is it better to cut off all your emotions and feel apathy?

Go ahead- Name something “good” about this shitty world. What have you come up with?

Almost everything “nice” or “good” you can think of generally requires someone to have money to be able to enjoy it- even a “nice walk” in nature. If you live in a shitty neighborhood, there’s no “nice walk.” It’s all garbage and crap around you. ESP where I am currently. And ESP if you live in the city. Trust me, if there were nice areas nearby for me to walk, I would be out more often instead of holed up inside this shithole.

There’s good food, […]

Americans LOVE to blame EVERYTHING on drugs, or alcohol, or video games, or whatever easier thing it is to blame. People do drugs BECAUSE their lives are broken, BECAUSE they feel depressed, NOT the other way around. I mean sure, there are a few who are sane/happy who try it and can’t stop. But most who do drugs do them BECAUSE they are unhappy or have some issues with life, and drugs help them cope/escape.

It’s so annoying and disgusting to see the general populace just brush everything aside like, “oh these ppl are just addicts, and everything is their fault.” Just […]

The worst thing to have ever happened to me is being born. I have no reason to believe in God but part of me wishes he existed so I would have someone to blame for this catastrophe. I wish someone would answer these questions. Why am I forced to take part in life. Why am I thrusted into existence when I’m not equipped to thrive? Did I have to be extremely stupid, ugly and have no useful talents?

Now I’d like to end it all but I’m afraid of the pain that I have to endure in order to finally achieve the peace of […]

Does anyone else feel evil?

When sad shit happens to me, I just move on without giving it a second thought. A while back, I had a falling out with my best friend of nine years – someone I spent a lot of time with.  Since then, it’s been almost four months, and I haven’t really felt sad, and I haven’t even felt like I missed her. Also kind of recently, a close cousin died of cancer. Of course, I thought the death was tragic and unfortunate (cancer is no fucking joke), but I just couldn’t bring myself to grieve – like, I physically couldn’t bring […]

Isn’t the model for the five stages of grief outdated? Like it’s a bit more complex than that and the order isn’t even really set, right? I’ve felt anger and sadness already. Denial and bargaining also might have been experienced. I started to donate again to that little food pantry thing by the school. I did it because “I felt like doing something nice.” In actuality, I knew that I did it because a part of me hopes that if I do something good it would do good by me. Bargaining I think. Am I calm now […]

I have nothing against dogs themselves, but I find it SO damn strange/sad that ppl care WAY more about 1 dog/cat/whatever cute pet, than they do about HUMAN lives. If ppl cared for other HUMANS the way they care for dogs/pets, we wouldn’t be in such a shitty, cold, callous world.

I know so many ppl who are so loving to dogs/animals but are such dicks and douches to other humans. Like, they all think they’re SUCH good people bc they love their pets or animals in general, but then 2s later, turn around and be hateful/cold/callous/uncaring to humans. Like at least admit […]