I apologize at the outset, for blathering on about my utterly boring and unexceptional situation….. I simply lack anywhere else to go with it… social media is cut off and even if it wasn’t I doubt anyone I knew on there would care. Perhaps it is the same here, but at least my words don’t run away from me at 100 miles an hour…. I wonder how that idiom translates, like to metric countries; 100 kilometers an hour? Seems colder, less emotional.

I’ve been on a quest of sorts, I have a little less than two months until I go back to school. That’s not enough […]

Listening to Faster Kill Pussycat sung by Brittany Murphy. I loved how she was so weird and quirky before ‘quirky’ was even a popular word O_o.

Yeah I want to die. Answer 4 Farah. Reasons: Sad life. Health problems. Loneliness. Stupid people. Mental, emotional pain. Suffering. Drama. Limitations.

I’ve been so miserable since my birthday. I feel perpetually shitty and I keep exacerbating that by obsessively checking my messages to see if she’s replied or even read my text (she hasn’t). I don’t have anything going in my life either (aside from online school as I failed one of my classes.)

I guess I’m sad that she hasn’t replied or even read my message. I know it’s idiotic to feel that way since I haven’t actually “lost” anything by her not replying. I feel stupid for expecting anything too, considering it’s been nearly a year since I’ve spoken to her.

It’s taking […]

video

Nobody ever listens to me, god damn it. My mom guilt trips me about not being moved up here with her already, knowing shit has come up, and she still after years and years of compliance and being honest with everything she wants to know, apparently I am some liar that she can’t trust. But she won’t ever fucking say that, she’ll just say over and over and over how much she values honesty and none of her kids better EVER fucking lie to her. Forgetting all the shit she lied about for years.

My dad will bring up shit I *must* get done, […]

WHAT effing holiday is today? It’s June 10 in the USA. There is NO holiday today I know of but for some FUCKING reason, people are popping off firecrackers and shit left and right and it’s NOISY AF.

They need to ban that shit and have punishments for those who do them. It’s super loud, it’s annoying, and pollutes the air. Yes, the air STINKS now. I have the window and door closed and the smoke still seep in. But that’s also bc I have a shitty door and window bc this apt is a dump.

It’s not even […]

you’ve heard of people who can’t take their liquor, nicotine, THC or coffee perhaps. What I haven’t heard of until it happened to me is someone who couldn’t take social media.

This is 24 hours in the making, I made an initial emotional post about it… which didn’t actually talk about the direction I feel the need to prune in. It was about something I saw on social media, something sufficiently upsetting I won’t be revisiting it. It’s within the black box of a thing I don’t feel safe with in my life anymore; Twitter.

Now this isn’t the first social media I’ve cut out. I cut […]

Saw this one woman bawling down the highway in a car.

Theory 1) She’s going back to gel

Theory 2) She’s moving away from this dump

Theory 3) She’s singing

This is a short and probably unnecessary post. But I texted her. Nothing much, just Happy Birthday. It’s very early in the morning right now. I’m dreading her response, if any. I want her to reply but at the same time I don’t. I’m so anxious I think I’m going to throw up.

Edit: Spent the whole day anxious. I barely ate anything today because my throat constantly felt like it was closing in on itself. Paid attention to every vibration my phone made. Which isn’t many since I don’t get any notifications often. It’s 5:00pm now… Nothing at all… Hasn’t even read my text… Maybe […]

this is going to sound really melodromatic but after thinking about what ive been thinking about

i think that i dont think i should be loved

i dont deserve people to care about me

most people i know are muslim and even then im a bad muslim too

i dont deserve people to care about me, i dont deserve to be religious, i dont deserve to be anything except on my own

i work hard and there are people who look up to me and i make it seem like my life is so easy and im happy and you know, one of them people who seem like nothing could […]

when will it end

when will the urge to somehow express what’s going on inside my head end

when will the constant wonders why i’m still here end

when will the chaos end, the pain, the worries, the numbness..

when will it end

just when

when will it finally end

i want it to stop

being close to someone really is a weakness

I’m still in a fair amount of pain, don’t let me lie about that, but finding that others have found dignity in suffering, it makes me hope maybe I will as well. I’ve been holding onto this song for a few days, but it really takes an approach I like. Particularly “what does this rotten old society have to do with me?”, That sort of unabashed knowing one has fallen, but not taking shame in it, rather mocking those who are so easily placated.

The second one needs less introduction, just “those without dreams don’t get sad”…. which is my current life philosophy; hoping in things […]

my shitty ass abusive family. I am the way I am BECAUSE OF THEM. I fucking hate them. When you’ve been tortured, physically, verbally, mentally abused, and beaten by them on a daily basis since the age of 5, OFC you’re going to grow up depressed, suicidal, and fucked up.

still the same shitty, selfish, callous, evil person she always was. Not only that, but you find out she’s a manipulator and chronic liar, and always has been. You think to yourself, JFC, WHY did I ever think she’d get better now that she’s old. She’s the same shitty evil person she always was, and she is, and will always be. Fucking gaslighting and lying about everything, and gossiping and bad-mouthing me to the rest of my relatives. Puts the blame of everything on ME when it is SHE that either can’t fucking remember she moved my stuff or she […]

wow. it worked. i flew under the radar. now my sn is shipping here. Finally. /Fresh air/Deep breath

This was meant to be a post about a fun game I’ve been immersed in lately, but turned into this… Sigh. Also, wow, my own life is quite dull by comparison. It’s funny. I know none of that stuff is real, and the only way to spicen up one’s own life is to go out and do more things with people, but man, introversion can be its own worst enemy sometimes. I don’t know how to really feel about where my life’s been headed. 7 years on SP now, multiple decades to get myself going to a point of proper independence and yet, I’m still […]

Sometimes in my dreams I’m transported back to the place I used to live, the only place I was every really “happy”. It’s different to how it actually was back then, but I know that’s where it is, because there’s forest everywhere, and the way I feel about it. I have this deep sense of longing, like I want to cling to the whole place and not let go. I desperately want to hold on to who I was back then.

I wasn’t neurotic back then. I was innocent, naïve, even for a child. I didn’t hate myself. It’s the strangest feeling, remembering that state, then […]