I’m hurting a lot today. I would say more than normal, but on the other hand, it just feels the same– and that’s part of why it’s so exhausting. Everything has become so mundane. I’ve been sober since late September, I think. I’m proud of myself, I guess. But, dealing with my feelings instead of numbing them with vodka is debilitatingly difficult. I’m having the same issue with sleep. I have horrifying chronic nightmares. Sometimes, my brain will give me an extra “fuck you” and I’ll have a night terror. I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. I used to snort Ritalin at night in […]
Tag:
Addiction
I always struggled with some sort of addiction ever since I was little. When I was little it was huffing sharpe markers. Im pretty sure every kid did that hah. Then when i was a pre-teen it was self harming. The usual cutting, scratching at myself until i bled, pinching, biting, etc. I was addicted to tormenting myself for 7 years. Of course, that stopped. But now as a fresh adult, i find myself leaning to a new addiction. Smoking. I do vape and i find it as a casual hobby rather than an addiction tbh. But the thing about cigs is that it feels […]
Before him, I was empty. I was alone, devoid of light. Every day getting harder and harder to breath. I was sinking in an ocean of darkness…sadness.
Then I seen him. Its like my heart was stumbling over its feet as it was racing around in my chest. I winced at this unfamiliar feeling. My ears cried with joy as his warm, silvery voice flowed through me. His eyes grabbed me by the collar and pulled me to the surface. I could breathe again. But it hurt.
When he looks at me, its like my soul gets torn to pieces. I yearn for more.
He hurts me. Why […]
Sugar is like the abusive boyfriend- you know you should stay away, but you can’t resist. It makes you feel good, but hurts you. It’s sweet and sexy on the outside, but beats you up on the inside.
But seriously, does anyone have a sugar addiction? I’ve cut down on sugar years ago, but it’s sooooo hard. I always crave it. It’s really the only thing that makes me feel good. I don’t drink, smoke, or any of that stuff. The only thing that gives me a “high” or makes me feel “alive” is sugar.
Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong – Johann Hari
by _darkness
written by _darkness
I stumbled across this video. Normally not into TED talks, and I am not an addict, but this one was interesting. While the topic is on addiction, it touches on much more than that, things that would be applicable to non-addicts and to depressed people. Also, there’s smart phone addiction and internet addiction, not just “drug” addiction. Anyhoo, give it a go.
What do you think?
I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling. I think I might be addicted (?) or I like being sad. Like even when I’m happy and I’m in a good place, suddenly at the middle of the night, I try to find some reason to make myself sad and angry about myself. I like the feeling of being sad and having that sting in your chest and feeling all alone as if no one cares about me even when I know it’s not true. I don’t really like it as I love it like a hobby but there are times when I find myself […]
LOOKING FOR DMT OR MUSHROOMS. I LIVE IN TEXAS. AND WILL TRAVEL ANYWHERE IN THE LOWER US TO GET IT. I firmly believe it’ll cure my addiction, unlike Ben, who never had a shot.
You know you’re on your death bed when you cry as you dose yourself. I do it too. “Why do I do this to myself?” is a question that hurts so bad.
I want help. I just can’t get help without losing rights to my kid for the next decade by going to rehab (which has like a 98% fail rate anyway). I just need real help. I need a break, Please, someone, […]
O.K. Why is it so worse?
Our differences are wide our needs, similar, how are you going to get better?
Addiction changes you in a way that is twilight zone – Tobacco, once hooked, trips you into a smoke, no matter how many you avoided, I mean subconscious tricks— that’s why that smoke across the street looks five foot big pretty soon after you crush that next pack.
I’m supposed to be better, I’m typing here, guess I go do some some more computer stuff.
I’ve been smoking cigarettes since I was in grade 7. Yep, that’s right, a 13 year old kid, smoking cigarettes. Now, I am in grade 9, and as much as I try to quit, I never can. I can’t get myself to not crave cigarettes anymore.
I always had thought that they would slowly kill me, but I guess they didn’t. They affect the way I do some things, like singing, or running – but they haven’t killed me yet.
Addiction is a hard thing to get over. Even now as I am writing this, my body is craving a cigarette. I know I need to […]
I’m starting to feel depressed again. I’m worried because this time I have nothing to feel depressed about. Besides my physical pain… Which I’m perpetuating with self abuse. I took the day off work today. I feel broken. My body is starting to die. My addictions have sucked the life from me. I have given myself entirely over to satisfying the insatiable. I would gladly die today, preferably by the hand of another. I don’t think it matters what The addiction is…Addictions destroy lives. I hate being an addict. I can’t stop, not until I am literally unable to move. Then I just collapse. I […]
My cycle of addiction has cost me dearly. I almost can’t recover. Don’t want to deal anymore.
I love it when you
Curl your arms around my neck
And sink your teeth into my shoulder
And twist my heart to bloody ribbons
Snapping.
I love it when you
Kill me in every way possible
And suffocate me under your breathless thoughts
And line-dance across my skin
Crimson.
I love it when you
Press on me like a weight
And hollow me out like a hole
And twirl me along the edge of the roof
Dangling.
I love it when you
Whisper dark nothings into my ear
And make my heart beat faster
And kiss my hand goodbye
Fallen.
But I love it most when you
Leave me alone with the crowd
And hide yourself away somewhere lost
And forget about me
Please.
I hate it when […]
A psychologist gave me a booklet for ‘the bereaved’ to inform me on what I would feel in the coming weeks/months/years. Seeing as every time I start to read the shitty booklet I bawl my eyes out, I’ve decided to write about what I am feeling and hope to feel in the coming weeks/months/years. I hope that in writing this, others who may find themselves in a similar disastrous situation can get some sort of comfort in knowing that shit luck affects a lot of people.
First of all, my boyfriend committed suicide. We were at my house arguing, it was an ongoing insecurity fight that […]
I am 18 years old, I am a recovering intervenes drug addict , I was shooting up morphine and oxy cotton when I was 16 resulting in shooting up heroine at 17 , just months ago I came to Nova Scotia to become sober , in all honesty I travelled from one province to another to make some money selling my ass for some cash, it turned bad and I ended up showing on my Aunts doorstep , strung out begging not to send me back to newfoundland. where the depth of my addiction began , Eventually things began to change around here , I would […]
Not sure if my post fits in with the purpose of this site, but I need somewhere to vent… I am actively suicidal.
I am 24 years old. My mother had borderline personality disorder, depression, etc. She killed herself 5 years ago. I could have the same disorders but I’ve never seen a shrink to get diagnosed. My father has since re-married and moved away to another state… we don’t talk. I feel so alone all of the time. Life feels like such a burden, I am just going through the motions… getting through each day. But why? What is the point? I feel no love- […]
Most days, I don’t think I’m addicted to cutting. I can get by without it, but then sometimes, I can’t breathe or think until I let the blood flow. Does anyone else feel like that? We don’t have enough alcohol in our house for me to have an addiction (my mom only drinks wine) but I never want to hang out with my friends unless we can drink or smoke.
I was 15 when I tried to kill myself. It was march 29th 2011. I had been in a deep depression since I had run away from home a little less than a year prior. My parents were drug addicts and my dad was a felon and a drug dealer. My mom was a paraplegic and a slut who fucked everyone and anyone. My older sister was a sociopath that murdered our rabbits and one of our dogs and tried to kill me with an axe which ended up with a trip to the hospital when I was only 5. Now that we have a […]
Just a poem I’ve written today which is I think pretty recognizable for people who cut. It’s the way I feel about it.
The first time,
it feels so innocent.
Just a small scratch.
But after a while,
you know that first cut wasn’t that innocent.
It was the beginning of an addiction,
that’s hard to beat.
And addiction that’s getting worse and worse.
There’s nothing left of that first little scratch.
The cuts you make now are much worse.
While you’re cutting,
you can see the skin tearing apart.
You can feel the stinging pain,
of your knife that’s cutting in your skin.
You […]
every day i hope it will get better. i am an IV heroin user struggling with an addiction much stronger than i thought. i am in tons of trouble with the law. i just violated my probation. i hope that my next shot will be the last. or i hope that i can be strong enough to be the man i have to be and face the time i have over my head and stop running from my problems every day.
i lost the love of my life in march and ever since then my life has been all down hill. i’m a broken man, and […]
I tried I really did but in the end everyone just abandons me, guess that’s what I get for surrounding my self with selfish people. I think Saturday night will be perfect im going to end this pain. I know theres a few good friends that will truly be hurt but in the end I think they already knew I was suffering way to much. As for the rest fuck em I hope they feel like shit, personally Id rather them not care because they never really cared at all. You see some people deal with emotional pain or physical pain I have both, I […]
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