So my work only scheduled me 9 hours next week. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m supposed to do, I can’t live on that, that’s not even 70$ worth of pay for me. And usually when they start doing this to people then they keep doing it every week. I have to find a different job probably and I’m so stressed because finding a job here is so hard, our states economy is in the shitter and there’s almost no jobs and no one hiring. Like how am I even supposed to survive? No idea what I’m going to do, it seems like […]
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always
Should I stay or should I go? If you love someone but you are causing them harm mentally should you stay? Even if you two love each other? This decision is killing me. Everyone that im around I effect in a negative way. My emotions are to strong. When im depressed and dont eat others around me do everything in their power to cheer me up and when that fails they go from understanding to being annoyed at me. It makes me feel like shit. Even right now, sitting among a friend watching Bobs Burgers for the first time Im trying not to freak out. […]
This game called life is not a game I want to beat. 1,2,3 lives you’re out. The only enemie is yourself. The hate I have the struggle i feel. Death is the best option. Fuck the future, fuck the present. Fuck tomorrow I want to die tonight. Always feel like nothing and no one. No love no respect. I am who I am but why? I’ve heard it all my days are up.
1,2,3 it’s game over…
I, Kat, am ultimately helpless.
Ive been trying so hard lately to help others not feel as sad as i do, but i always end up feeling worse regardless. Theres just too much wrong in my life right now, i feel so trapped. Everything keeps going wrong for me lately. Plans, friendships, school. It doesn’t matter it all ends up the same. Horrible.
I feel like I’ve been in another persons body for too long. I cant even tell who i am anymore. I have to get out of this haze soon. It’ll be the end of me.
So, I’ve mostly been coming here, just to make jokes and poke fun. Truth is, I’m losing. I have a taste of fun here, that’s all.
Fuck. Trying to think of what to say….
Wake up every day, hoping today’s the day. Hasn’t been yet.
I set my date or whatever, but, fuck plans and schedules.
I’m not concerned with being considerate in my death. Fuck em.
Always a reason. Always a hope. Always a dream.
So , when it’s time, it’s time. Probably won’t say goodbye. Not going to make a big deal. Guess it’s unfair to those here I click with. I’m […]
Hey everyone,
My story might not be important to most,but I’m writing this because I wanted to.I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder & Social Anxiety disorder for about 5 years now.Been hospitalized 2 times for suicidal ideation ,but as you can tell those weren’t really effective in helping me.Nearing Graduation now,I’m not really excited looking forward my future & such.I actually see my death kinda relatively close now that I think about it.Either it’s the nihilistic apathy that is slowly killing me or the reality check that is the real world.
For me,I’m naturally a cynical,misanthropic,and pessimistic person.That itself does contradict with my personality type which is ISFJ ironically.Ultimately I […]
I usually only post here when im feeling down or having one of my harder days. But today I just wanted to check in with some positive thoughts.
Today my life is still not perfect but it is better. I pulled through the dark thoughts I was having and even feel grateful for the family I have and the life we have together. Things are not perfect but that is ok. I doubt things will ever be perfect. There will always be things to be upset about but today I am focusing on the good things.
Thank you all for putting up with my dark side lol. […]
When I’m faced with an uncomfortable challenge in life, I’m always afraid I might fail and I’m usually even more afraid that I might succeed. The only safe option is to not try, so that’s what I often do. That’s why being depressed makes me feel safe, because I know I’m not going to talk myself into taking any risks. And it’s not like I have any life goals or (realistic) dreams that might inspire me to overcome those fears. When I dig holes for myself, I tend to want to stay there.
I fear failure because, well, disappointment and rejection suck. I fear success because […]
I always want to remember how we would walk down that trail to look at the river and how we left school a couple times just to go there. I want to remember how one time you took me to the little store by your house through the woods, and how you would cancel plans just to be with me. I want to remember when we were laying under the blankets on your bed (which we would do often) and we would just lay there in each others arms under the blankets. I want to remember how you smell, how you had that certain cologne […]
Honestly, I’m just a stupid teenage girl who still has highschool to get through. I need to put on my big girl pants and just get through it. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be happy.
Suicide. I’ve thought about it, but I’ve always been too much a wimp to really try and end my life. In my opinion, the only scary part of trying to attempt suicide, is if you survive. But then again, that means you are alive for a reason. Maybe I’m scared because I have this hope that everything will be okay.
People say that […]
Wow the last time I posted on here I was 14! I’m now 18 and I can’t really say that things are better. Well since 14 I’ve attempted suicide 2 and cut myself on numerous occasions.
Heres my story I’ve been with my current partner for 14 months and it hasn’t been the greatest at all. He severely bashes me and makes me feel like nothing. He never trusts me and always calls me names I don’t feel loved or safe. I live with him at his parents place with his brother and sister also and they never seem to do anything when they hear me […]
List of things im bad at
Talking about my problems
Eating
Being a good daughter
Being a good sister
Being a good girlfriend
Being social
Living
Standing up for myself
Its not just me who thinks these things. Who knows for a fact that I was just a fuck up from the day I was born. My parents, my dear good at heart parents pawned me off on someone else. My siblings who I know loves me, I hurt. I affect them with my depression that seems to be the vain of my existence. I really suck at being a good girlfriend. I mean Im to insecure and fucked up to be a good […]
Life is torture, death is hope.
Life is meaningless, death is magical.
I am a young girl, 15 years old. This is not just a phrase. My depression has somehow always been there, and I know it will always be there. My depression is hiding inside my breath, it will never go away unless I stop breathing. I hate life!!!! Not MY life. I hate LIFE. Yes, I hate most people and I hate social situations, but honestly, I don’t care. People suck, I’m over it. What bothers me is the meaninglessness. Why are we extremely insignificant?Why does nobody think about […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I don’t find life to be unbearably painful as much as I find it to be completely mentally exhausting. At least when I actually try. In order to accomplish much of anything I usually have to fight myself a lot. I’m always fighting either social phobia, or fear of change, or severe self-doubt, or hypersensitivity, or self-hatred. It’s like I’m dragging around a sixty-pound rock of depression and fear everywhere I go.
On my bad days, I often wonder how much longer I want to keep fighting myself. Another year? A few years? Ten years? And why should I keep fighting myself? Five or ten years ago I […]
The pain is still here. I can drown it out. I can muffle it. But I’m just a shell of a person wandering around. Withdrawn to where it feels more than awkward to be out and around people when it wasn’t so before. Opening back up on command isn’t as easy as shutting down anymore. Desire to end things lingers as well and always has. Thoughts of such are being provoked more often than not now. What do you do when you feel that you have more reason to leave than to stay? Given life more than a chance just existing for the past 2 […]
… and I felt elated. I felt like maybe we had a chance, maybe I had a chance to get out of this hell that is bipolar and somehow make it work. I felt like my old self. I actually laughed. A two week anger/mania streak just lifted. But I have to remember all that I went through, and put him through for weeks. Funny how bipolar makes you focus on the current thing and feel like it was forever. but I know that time-wise, I have been miserable or way more than I have been happy. It does not add up. I know the […]
Yesterday I woke up sad and crying. Two hours later my period started. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, where my period coincides with a drastic turn in mood. Maybe birth control would help?
I spent so much of yesterday crying, just hurting so much. And today’s been pretty much the same, except I’m alone in the house. I tried to do the things that are supposed to help; I meditated (have been somewhat regularly), I did some exercise, I’ve tried to distract myself, forced myself to do some chores and some homework. But it doesn’t go away or lessen. It hurts so much.
It hurts […]
Dearest, dearest MC,
April 1, a year ago, it all changed.
One year ago you felt the fresh air again after 3 agonizing months. And I was there for you in spirit, as I had been all along. But I soon, sadly, discovered “we” were gone.
But on this anniversary I still send you all my love my friend; I send you best wishes. I wish things were different, but I try to trust this is where we should be right now.
Maybe someday… Maybe someday you’ll remember that feeling we shared and have the courage to want to try again.
I hold onto hope; I hold you in love; […]
Constant change is pretty much inevitable in life. I’ve always been really afraid of change. Therefore, constant fear seems pretty much inevitable in life. That’s one of the reasons I often feel so hopeless.
You’d think I’d have nothing to lose making a change now, given how miserable I’ve been for the past two years. Nope. I have to prepare myself for the worst, so that just in case the worst happens I won’t have some sort of breakdown. I start thinking that maybe my life now isn’t so terrible, which normally would be a good thing, except that I know as soon as the fear […]