I want to do it every now and then. But then I think of my mother finding my body in my horribly messy apartment. The fact I wont be found for days, even weeks. I can’t do that to anyone, and I fight through it. It makes me stronger each time, but I feel like I am weaker for it each time. I really hope I die a natural death and will do everything I can to get there. I just wish I never had these thoughts. I wish I was normal.
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Apartment
So every single morning, I wake up. Obviously, either wise i wouldnt be here right now and you wouldn’t be reading this crappy entry. but oh well. anyways, i do my normal routine, get ready for school, stare at myself in the mirror, criticize myself, decide whether or not i should skip breakfast, blahblahblah. sounding familiar? .. then i get to school, dont know who to be around with in the morning, should i hang out with my backstabbing friends , or be a loner and get looks and shit? i choose the latter most times. school goes pretty fine, heart hurts everytime i see […]
Here we go again. I am in a deep mess of emotions right now, it is hard to describe it but being mad is alright for today. Just for today. I have been happy for a couple of weeks, really happy. It was unbelievable.
We got drunk yesterday again, i feel lame because of it. I just remembered the scene of me crying in front of the screen watching sth on youtube, it was just a disguise for the reasons that really drove me to tears. Anyway this person i like, my best friend saw me and tapped me on my shoulder and left. I could […]
I have been in a rocky, controlling relationship with a man I have been head over heels in love with for about a year now. He was never very nice, always controlling, very jealous, and extremely verbally abusive… A tall, sexy, tattooed from head to toe punk rocker, I fell in love immediately. we both have had hard lives, and he was from New York in Oregon (where I’m from) because he knocked a girl up in New York who was from Oregon, and he moved to Oregon to be the father. They didn’t work out. Anyway, we started a relationship, had a lot of […]
I can’t do this anymore. I just…..can’t.
I met the love of my life close to 5 years ago. Huge age difference….she just turned 18. At first I knew it wouldn’t work, but then out of nowhere I got her pregnant. So…we both decided that it was best to go forward and see how things went. I moved her up here from Florida and we settled in. Our daughter was born just over a year after we had gotten together. Things were……terrific. We were told by so many people that we were the perfect couple. We couldn’t get over each other. We had to be around […]
So i find myself in my own hole again, im 21 years old and i’ve suffered from depression all my life as well as other disorders. i first started feeling depressed when i was a young child. The first thoughts of suicide that i can remember was when i was 8 and from that point i’ve been on and off many medications. I’ve had the ups and the downs and now i feel like im stuck in the down and i can’t get out. i spent a month in a psych ward in December and was released in January. i was homeless when i was […]
A bullet to paint the walls red in my shitty apartment, A noose around my neck, wrapping my car around the first telephone pole i see on my way home,
they wont leave my head and its the worst when im seething at work and have nothing better to do..
So a few years ago, my first year in college, I tried to kill myself. I was in a bad place. I was living in a new city, had always been terrible at meeting people, and was under a lot of pressure to do well academically so I could keep my scholarship. Needless to say I survived, but I lost my scholarship, dropped out, and moved back home to live with my parents.
I was angry and depressed a lot. I got in fights with my family. My parents didn’t really get what had happened. After all, its not like I was physically abused or any […]
I have been contemplating the final act for weeks on end. My roomate just left for work so the apartment is mine if I choose to do so. The only way out is a rope, I dont have access to any pills this time. I think about the actuall moment of loosing conscieness. I have a video of a person which posted his suicide online from hanging. I’ve watched it 10 or 20 times over the last year and a half. His body isn’t completely suspended meaning he could have stood up at any point before passing out to stop his suicide. I have never […]
How do you really start something you feel inside and just want to vocalize? There is really no reasoning for any of this, I have made my decision, I just feel it will take a lot off my shoulders until then. I do have those around me who I can talk to but no one I can tell what I’m really feeling and the decision I’ve made. My plan is to next week once I can afford all of the equipment and means I need necessary is to make an exit bag, buy a canister of Helium, buy a regulator with tubing, and rent a […]
So I don’t want a wake or funeral. Â I want absolutely zero fuss made about my death. Â But I feel bad killing myself and taking all these healthy organs with me… so I think, I know, I will donate them. Â So I had this idea to do it in winter on a snowy day, so my body would stay fresh until I was found…. But it turns out that hospitals/universities/chop shops won’t take suicides… Also, Â if you donate your body to one of these chop shop organ/body donation companies, they dole the pieces out to the highest bidder, making at least $200,000 per body. Â The […]
i dont think i cant do this anymore,i have to phisically confide my self inside my apartment or i will run, i will leave, and the cops will catch me, the only way people wont be able to control me anymore is if i kill myself,they will never let me off commitment,i will never get to move to california,i cant live like this for the rest of my life,all i think about is california, or getting recommited then taking sleeping pills and laying on the rail road tracks,and no the train driver would never know he hit me cause it would be dark outside,im going […]
nowhere on the paper for my commitmanet does it say i need to be social and get into the community,i have the list, of every rule i have to follow, why dont them controlling fucks just put down every rule possible so the list becomes longer then both my arms put together,its such a lie, if you follow these rules youll get off, how can i wen they come up with a new one every time?fuck them,if my body is to stubern to keel over and die then im gonna live,and im gonna do whatever the fuck i want,sick of people,i would try to get […]
I’m 27. On the outside I appear to be a relatively well-adjusted, responsible, single Midwestern gal. On the inside, I’m screaming. Waiting for my life to end. I’ve been depressed/suicidal off and on since I was 15. One relatively severe cycle almost got me kicked out of college. I had to go to therapy, which was no help at all. I quickly grew bored of it and to expedite my exit from that requirement, I told the therapist what she wanted to hear. Fast forward a few years, I had broken things off with my first really serious boyfriend and rebounded to a guy a […]
it’s my birthday this friday, 26 I think. I’m 99% sure 26 but I don’t want to shatter the veil of ignorance I’m under by calculating it or trying to remember how old I’ll be. I remember rhyming about being 25 some time ago but that could have been 2 years ago.
Anyway, I’m moving today or tomorrow. My odyssey in my mothers jungle of an apartment is over, hopefully. I thought it was over once before but their were rats in the ceiling of the new place. I’ve gotta be sure to do another check at this current place I want, but it seems […]
It is so beautiful outside! It is really warm and sunny. Â just look at this blue sky, such a deep blue…
Here I am sitting in my apartment, looking out of the window, wondering what is live for.
I am so disappointed from live. Everything has come different then I thought. All those people I don’t know. All those people who are outside having fun together. Why? what is so funny about being outside with people you barely know? I don’t want to meet new people, it is so exhausting, always introducing myself and almost every time I check them out and know that we won’t become […]
your entire life your told your crazy, while the ***** telling you that you are, is beating you to death in your own pool of blood,slamming your head into walls, floors,edges of bunkbed frames,doors,beating you in your privit parts, waiting untill your in the bathroom sitting on the toilet then she walks in and beats you there,tells you that you are nothing every single day of your life, meets guys off the internet, within two weeks, she moves in with them, and you find out , that they are child melesters, and your worker and your teachers that you tell every day dont ever do […]
When I am somehow surprised that I am living with a control freak narcissistic person and that I will be hurt repeatedly until I find a better life
When I ignore for too long what matters to me, what feels good even if I can’t feel it at the moment
When I don’t make a plan, a strategy to try consistently to get someplace better than I am now
Forget there is more compassion in the world than I experience at home or have ever at home …OK so there is less also but mostly there is more because the human race would not have survived this friggen […]
Interesting video. Thanks for being honest and clear in this one. I understand what your saying when you say you have lost your power.
I think you believe power tis what ever you held dear, It was the reason you went to work, the reason you brush your teeth, the reason you lived for.
Now what every that power was has been either taken away or you lost it some how. Either way you believe it is gone. And the only person who can tell you what to believe is power is you. We all hold different things in our hearts. It because of that i dont […]
it feels like i just cant grip on to life,i remember sitting there like it was just yesterday,sitting down rocking back and forth having my arms rapt tight around my stomic from such intence hunger pain, in a cold basement with concrete floor an unfinished ceiling were you could tie a rope around a pipe and the other end around your neck and hang yourself, like i tempted to at age 14,i had noone, they finally put a bed down there after 6 months of me sleeping either outside somewhere or inside on a filthy moldy couch that had holes in it and smelt like […]