Over the months I have been trying to become more social. I went through a suicidal phase at the end of last year for about 3 months and it feels like its coming back. After being separated from work for “not fitting in”. Its tough for me to fit in with people that wont understand. I am a ex-army medic and how will they understand… we cannot show them… Tossed in the trash by the people you defended is pretty good reason to not be here anymore. To think I would have given my life for these people.
So this last month has been ok. I’ve been doing decently well. I haven’t cut, though I’ve had the urge a few times. I lost myself in a book series so that helped get out of my own head for a while. And right now I’m dealing with normal problems like trying to get a guy to ask me out and not failing my classes. But the thoughts never go away, I doubt they ever will. The thoughts that help me spiral down. The ones that make me hate myself and want to kill myself. I still have my ultimatum for the end of the […]
Today everything just seems that little bit more pointless. Hurrah for my screwy brain. In a few hours/days I’m sure I’ll be back in a state of delusional avoidance. But right now I just feel lost and empty.
there’s a hammer pounding on the back of her skull
spiders crawling underneath her skin
She roams this God Forsaken land
covered in scars not deep enough to fatally wound
hands curled up into fists holding her head
Trying to erase herself
The person that she loves cant even comprehend the complexity of her pain
disregarded, like always until its to late
tear stained pillows, snot nose, blood shot eyes
its like the snake of despair bit her
marking her with its venom
For everywhere she goes she snuffs out some kind of light, […]
So today I found out that my older sister always talks badly about me when I’m gone because I spend money on my horses and sometimes when I have extra money I buy myself something I like. She constantly complains about me living at home (I just turned 20 and she’s 25 and living at home) and says if I would stop spending my money on my horses and others things I could save to move out. First of all, most of my money goes to paying off the college I went to, which she had to do for dropping out and she’s only just […]
If you read my “Axe Murderer” post earlier, you know I wrote some new music recently. Here it is.
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Triggering.mp3
.
Way different from the other two compositions I posted awhile back.
During one of my comments today, I described it like this:
It’s a bit darker and more chaotic than the kind of music I usually write.
It starts out like a dark smooth Gregorian Chant, and ends up sorta like an axe murderer is just realizing there are all sorts of pointy objects around.
It’s called “Triggering” because last week some issues triggered an especially dark pit of depression.
Since last night my internet connection died unexpectedly, I had to wait until I could get out of the house and go somewhere with WiFi.
While I was offline, I decided to use the time by writing some more music.
It’s a piece I started last week, during my extra dark bad days. Some things happened that triggered a pretty nasty pit of depression. It was bad and ugly and nasty, and I’m sorry for those of you that got to see that side of me.
Now I’m back to just my usual moderate day-to-day depression.
(Yay, I guess.)
But enough about that… the music!!
It’s a […]
Suicide is an addiction. Once you’ve done it. It is always in the back of your mind. Everyday it is another option you can put on a to do list. As if you quit smoking and crave it everyday but you just don’t fire one up even if you desire it so much.
Awhile back, maybe too long back, I was receiving very supportive comments from someone by the username Noctis. They don’t have any posts on their profile, so I don’t know if they’ve posted comments recently or not. Has anyone seen this person/username around lately?
I’d like to hope they’re still around, but I’d also like to know if they’re not. If you know anything, please let me know.
Thank you.
And Noctis, if you’re out there, I hope you’re doing well, friend. I miss you.
so it’s me again. i’ll probably be writing posts all day long, spilling my dark and unforgiving past onto the internet for all to see. so. yeah. i already told you a bit about my goddamned life before, and so keeping that in mind, i’ll tell you more about what i call “my personal hell on earth”. great, right? no? yeah, i thought that’s what you were gonna say. i’ll be back at approx. 12:30 (my time) with juicy details about my sucky life.
I am 14 years old and the reasons for me to sucude are:
1. My exam pressure is too much, even after studing more than 50? in a year my dad isnt satisfied with 80% of average marks and pressurises me whole day and i know i got no bright future woth this much of marks so i want to end this right now. 2.My dad is very rich but I am too poor, i got a low specs pc which has i3 has outstandjng features, a 1.8 years old phone and my dad doesnt want to buy the s7 edge for me after alot […]
I have been checking out the site for a couple weeks now, so many feeling the same way I do. I have thought about posting a couple times but really didn’t like what I had wrote. Well here goes nothing.
I was an army brat for the first six years of my sorry pathetic life. When I was four years old my father began beating me. He would come home at night and after I would say hi, let the beating begin. This went on for two years. He would whip me with a belt across my back. He would punch me in the face and […]
Hello everyone,
I’m back here again. I think I know the answer to the question “Is life better than the alternative?”. Its not. I mean how can it be? As I sit here is my dark room, I can see that I’m not alone. I have a companion who likes to sit in the dark just like me. Usually he just sits by himself in the corner. But today his gaze is upon me. He is beckoning me. “Its time” he whispers. “Come to me. I will take you to a better place”. I don’t think I can resist him anymore. Its weird, I can almost […]
That everything we have been told is a lie? Like a lot of people on here I often thought about suicide, but I thought I might at least do a lot of research on death before I really do it. I found out we might not be as free as we thought when we die. Even in death we might be trapped into keep coming back to earth to more pain and suffering. Take a look at this site http://humansarefree.com/2015/03/escape-their-trap-and-set-your-soul-free.html I have read about near death stories and they almost all involve […]
In my final breaths:
I’ll exhale my sins,
and the promises I broke.
I won’t inhale them back in.
I’m sorry
I used to call you papa,
and you’d guide me to school
so that I could read on the way.
You taught me to swim
by throwing me into the deep end
and I kicked and fought until I could.
You taught me to live
by throwing me into the deep end
but this time, I let myself drown.
I’m sorry,
that you see her in my eyes
that you hear her when I cry,
and for shoving you that one time,
but you told […]
A friend of mine committed suicide a couple months ago. To be honest, I knew the signs. When I heard about it, I can’t say that I was all that surprised. We weren’t close, but it really affected those around me. My best friend couldn’t keep back from sobbing in the middle of class, and it just got me thinking if she would be acting the same if it were me? I’ve already attempted several times (though I never had a gun to make it super easy) and failed. If I had succeeded would all these people act the same?
I find it ironic that all […]
My marriage is ugly.
Divorce is ugly.
Suicide is ugly.
It’s quite a predicament. In my marriage, I am already dead. The pleasure of life is consumed. I really can’t paint a picture of how ridiculously abusive it is.
Suicide would just be an end to the torment. It’s a difficult thing to do. I don’t want “help” or “attention” so I’d have to give it 110%. Holding me back, so many passions. Prospects. Hopes and dreams . It makes me think, if I could let go of it all, I’d be OK in my marriage.
Divorce. Well. That’s just a lot of work. I mean, any guy can […]
There is someone in my life, who I have found myself to be in love with. I say it that way because it’s just that, one day it just hit me, hard. I have known her through my travels, on my way to work. I ride the bus. She’s everyone’s favorite. I know this because I ride a lot of busses in any given week. No other bus rides are like this. She’s such a kind, fun, kinda crazy person. She remembers things you say to her. I can’t imagine how many people she sees in a day, but yet she remembers you aren’t looking […]
I wish things could have turned out different. That’s been something I’ve been saying a lot. It’s just that…recently I’ve been pretty emotionally numb. I feel as though I don’t have a heart. Not in a ‘vain teenager hate the whole world’ kinda way, I just can’t seem to empathize the way everyone else seems to. I feel unintentionally cruel. To make matters worse, my nightmares started coming back.
I don’t know if I want to make another attempt yet, or keep waiting.
Hi SP,
It’s been a while since I posted here, but I just wanted to let you know how I’ve been doing.
You may remember a post that I put up in October called ‘About a Girl’?
Well, it turns out that this girl I’ve liked since September likes me back, and it’s one of the best feelings ever.
We’ve been on a date, and we have another one planned for this weekend. So yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.
It’s just nice to know that someone sees me as a nice person, especially when I can’t see it myself, and it’s been really nice […]