so i didnt pay the internet bill and its way overdue to go off…thing is i downloaded a 1tb worth of movies/series/games/music to keep myself sane..then the un-thinkable happened my fckin hdd went on fire i lost my phone other week also and i fuckin hate tv so ive been sat in the house with no food reading books from the library even put the noose around my neck a few times could not go through with it oh and i trapped my left hand tip of index finger in door and its hangin off ive stuck it back on and its black should go […]
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back
Well after calling and waiting for a call back and calling and waiting for a call back and so on and so forth since fucking December, I tried calling the admissions office again today and still nobody picked up. Albeit I called around lunch but when else am I supposed to call? I rarely have any fucking time. Of course I tell my father about this and all he has to say is “I don’t think they want to talk to you anymore. You kinda let that ship sail.” when they haven’t TALKED to me ONCE since I got the application, and I haven’t heard […]
Here’s the thing: I’m fine now.
I mean, I have been so depressed, so desperate… and now it’s all over.
My mind is not sinking in anxiety like it always was. I’m calmed. I can laugh, talk to friends, do things. I’m ok. Everything is back to normal.
Except that it doesn’t feel normal. Everything feels unreal. I’m looking for a job, trying to go back to university, but I don’t want to do any of those things. But I don’t want to not do them neither.
I don’t want to stay home, I don’t want to go away. It’s not that I don’t know what I […]
I’ve been sleeping through the past few weeks since the new semester began. Last semester i slept through the last 2 months of term and i scraped through my exams, but since then i just dont have the energy or the discipline to work. And it’s kind of funny because what happens to those of us who don’t want to work? Do we just go homeless and starve on the streets? If it comes to that, i’ll make a point of dying on my own, out of the way, in the wilderness somewhere.
Every time i feel this complete and utter lack of hope, a level […]
It’s almost 8 years to the day now when I got the call, that mom needed to come over to tell me something, and seated in the worn-out dingy couch on the porch, dark outside, the words spilling from her into me, something that could not be taken back, something final, a new reality shocked into me.
I remember somehow taking it so well, the determination to be strong overcoming any flirtation with falling apart or to pieces about it. It was his decision, and that’s what he did, he is no longer in pain, there’s nothing that can be done about it and we’ll […]
I’m just overflowing with sadness right now.
I am always, but especially right now.
I posted this 3 times already, but the concert I had attended was called, “WE DAY,” an entertaining show with dancers, singers, and speakers to come together in order to celebrate giving back to the community/ world. Helping out others, making this world amazing day by day.
It was very inspirational. I have to admit. I felt I COULD have a place in this world to make it better…
But the entire time I listened, I thought:
“I can’t even help myself…How can I help others?”
Why my amp? Because you wanted to make sure it hurt. To make sure I’d have 0 joy.
Replacement? Ha, far too broke. Official countdown begins. May sound trivial to most you but this is the cement truck that ran over a camel with a broken back.
I hate feeling frustrated with this job too. I don’t have any options to get a full time job. But I’m supposed to be an equal with someone here, same position, same level, both leadership positions for others. But he’s taken over, and it’s like I suddenly have another boss, one that disapproves of everything I do, calls all the shots, and I have no freedom anymore. I was liking this so much because of the creative freedom the real boss gave me, and that my ideas were listened to and even liked. Now I’m back to this “no, no, no, I don’t like that, […]
My mom’s friend that she works with is actually closer to my age and it turns out she went through same thing with student loans that I have and she owed the school money too. She even dropped out of school for the same reason as me since she has depression too and she has scars on her arms too.
I owe the school over $4,000 since I dropped out plus student loans. It turns out that if I pay the collection agency 5% of that $4,000 they will turn it over back to the college and if I pay payments on it for 9 months […]
“Latterly during the loneliness in which he found himself as he lay facing the back of the sofa, a loneliness in the midst of a populous town and surrounded by numerous acquaintances and relations but that yet could not have been more complete—either at the bottom of the sea or under the earth—during that terrible loneliness Ivan Ilyich had lived only in memories of the past. Pictures of his past rose before him one after another. They always began with what was nearest in time and then went back to what was most remote—to his childhood—and rested there.”
-Leo Tolstoy (The Death of Ivan Ilyich)
This exactly […]
It started when at the gym about 90 mins ago. I just got the sudden urge to cry. I was able to not do it and i could have it was empty at the time. Ive since finished my workout come home walked the dogs taken a shower and its back. Could be all of the deaths the past week. Could be seeing a recent pic of * when i considered emailing her. Could be all the “self-help” exercises ive been doing. Ut i just want to cry. I hope it doesn’t symbolize anything unless it is tears of joy for some reason. This ever […]
Hey.
I can’t tell the difference between what is ‘reasonable’ and ‘depressed’ most of the time. Has anyone ever read a journal entry years ago? How does it make you feel? When I was a teenager, I would look back a year or so and feel positively embarrassed.
If I look now, I feel something else. I don’t feel so many years prouder. I feel sadness, and resentment. I didn’t make it out.
Ah, typing this, I’m afraid I don’t sound much different at all.
Alright. Let’s get this out before I waste any more of your time. I’m a gay guy. If this upsets you, scroll […]
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen my wrists bleed.
I remember trying to slice my wrists in high school, and it accomplished nothing. I received no compassion. Instead people were disgusted and angry, and they scolded me and tried to shame me about it. I remember a slightly older classmate looking at my bandaged-up wrists saying “You’re going to have those scars forever and remember that dumbass thing you did.”
Here I am decades later, and the wrist has healed so well that I can’t even remember which wrist it was…. maybe it was both.
I tried OD’ing, and that was equally unsuccessful.
I didn’t keep cutting […]
It’s funny how a picture can cause hate longing worry regret pain love lost hopelessness
written by deadmanliving(hopefullyhopeful)
Was going to contact someone about something that they probably already know. Their pic popped up now i cant. I wish I could go back in time and kill myself a decade ago at least.
The other day I went for a haircut. I asked for a pixie. I told the stylist I wanted it longer in the back, with lots of layers. She gave me what looks like a boy’s haircut. It’s not feminine at all. I’m so dadgummed miserable with it! I hate it! This is to be my last haircut, as I will soon be making my exit. I had wanted my hair to look nice for that, as weird as it sounds. I was going to color it as well. (It’s mostly grey.) I’ve had many haircuts in my life where the stylist ignored my wishes. […]
I’ve been having more suicidal thoughts than usual lately, and I’ve actually been thinking of ways I would want to go if I ever decide to off myself. Cutting isn’t an option; I’m too scared to harm myself, plus that would be extremely painful and messy. Hanging myself is off the table too, since I’d probably never work up enough nerve. My thoughts have been drifting towards drowning more often than not. I think that would be the best way to go for me. Although, I am terrified of the ocean/any body of water, I think I could make an exception. It would be easier […]
I haven’t been on here in a very long time, I don’t even recognize any of the users now. I stopped posting because I didn’t think it was really helping me, but I’m really needing a place to share how I’m feeling again.
I thought things were getting better for a while, I had a counselor and I was on antidepressants for a while. The antidepressants were helping but then we found out that I’m severely allergic to most medications. The only medication I wasn’t allergic made me incredibly sick all the time and made me feel worse. My counselor was very nice, but all she […]
I know a girl
She draws on
her skin
with blades instead
of pens
It all began when
she was eight.
She wondered why?
Why would he look at her like that?
Why would she let him?
She often thought:
“She loves me”
But deep down
She knew
It was
A lie
She’s never loved her
And never will
The only one that
Truly loves her
Is Mr. Sharp.
He makes her happy.
He helps her forget about THEM.
When her skin
Rips open
And her demons
Come out…
Oh there’s no better
Feeling than that.
But the feeling goes away!
“NO! come back!” she yells.
But not even
Pain wants her.
And that hurts like hell.
People always believe
The “I’ll kill you” stare
And the “go away “routine.
Because nobody
really cares to
see what’s
left inside
To look into her eyes
And see her […]
The past couple of weeks, I’ve been really down on myself. Looking in while looking out at the same time. It’s been hard. I don’t know what I really want from life, I really don’t. If I am honest, not sure I want anything at all.
I came by this forum a few months back, been hit or miss for me, like a mad hit and run. You guys are great. And the I thought I would share something totally off the wall with you all. I was in very much in need of a good laugh, so I turned to a program to which again, […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.