When I feel like this I rant here because, I dont have anyone else to turn to. And I guess people are trying to lift my spirit by saying you can be better and there’s hope and whatever. But the thing is I cant. Mostly because I dont want to. Also because I have tried and never succeeded. I dont want to be anything better than what I am right now: a worthless , disgusting whore. The only thing I want is death. And I dont want people ‘helping’ me and talking me out of it. Thats one of the main reasons I stopped seeing […]
Tag:
Brain
Why is it that ALL I feel is pain?
My days are always getting flooded full of rain.
I say this bathtub is blooded, watchin all this blood drip.
Just ONE more cut across maybe down both wrists.
My wish, is to be in my world.
This is the most I’ve ever bled, my brain is getting fed up with all this bull shit.
Maybe I should get a pistol and find that full clip.
Yeah!, I think that’ll work, but then again I want the pain to hurt. I like slow pain.
Just one more cut, I promise this is IT.
Where’s my pills […]
It started out small. I would feel sad and tired and utterly hopeless for a few hours, maybe one night at the most. I would self harm or cry myself to sleep or rant in my diary until 2 AM. The next morning I would tell myself that yesterday was “just a bad day” and that everyone had them once in a while, so it was totally normal.
I went from having a “bad day” once in a while, to having a “bad day” once a month, to having several “bad days” a month…and before I knew it, I’d become the person I am now. I […]
Ive been trying to type how I feel, but I just cant get my thoughts straight. I have this very often. I know what I want to say. And in my head I hear the exact sentence, I just cant get it of my lips. And its not only when talking about emotions, I also have it when I’m just in the middle of a random conversation. Like my brain kind of just stops and I just cant get the words out. The feeling of having something on the tip of your tongue, only difference is that I know what I want to say but […]
i was not cut out for this world. i dont know where to start so i wont im sure you have all heard it before anyway. does it ever get easier to accept? im such a coward because i know i can do it i know i can cut open a vein or suffocate myself with coal its fast its easy but im so afraid that if i back out half way then what? walk around explaing the scars or brain damaged from the fumes of the coal? does this mean i still have a sparkle of fight in me? todat i tried hard to […]
I’ve had about a week of feeling completely robotic. Â I just keep doing things to distract myself from my own head. Â It’s seems as though as long as my hands are occupied, my brain is going to stay quiet. Â But I have to go to bed eventually, I need to sleep. Â I have so much time to myself. Â I like being by myself, but the thoughts are hard to control.
I had a bad day a couple days back from this one (worse than the usual bad), and I let loose for the first time in a long time. Â I cut 26 times, all in places […]
i look like a normal girl. twenty years old, 5’4″, blue eyes, blonde hair, skinny. quiet. smart. funny. i play the piano. sometimes i read keats, and i like dipping vegetables in ranch dressing and my favorite dress is blue and slinky and soft.
but here’s a secret: i’m scared of cameras.
everywhere i go, i know they’re there, recording and tick-ticking. every time i’ve wanted to spend the day naked or steal a book or cheat on an exam, i’ve stopped myself because of the cameras. i feel guilty when i babysit for my friends, because i spend hours sitting on the couch watching TV after […]
My life has been hard, I mean a life of abuse and neglect really messes with a person. But it’s not my life that I hate and want to end its me it’s my brain, I’ve been diagnosed with depression, eating disorders & anxiety. I self harm a lot. Anyway my head will never shutup it’s like I have a voice in my head telling me to give up telling me I’m fat and ugly and pointless and worthless. You see it’s not my life or even the people in it that I want to get away from, it’s myself I can’t live with myself.. […]
If i could find the courage to kill myself, this is what my death message will say!! ver.1.0
I decided that I didn’t want to be a sufferer any more and took on this terrible selfishness that is probably hurting you right now! The selfishness took over me and I couldn’t get over feeling sorry for my broke life. I don’t want you guys to feel sorry for me, because I don’t deserv it for selfishly killing myself, and maybe hurting you in the long run!! I am sorry that you had encountered me in your life for why I terribly just killed my self! Please […]
two more life steps and I get to end it all with as little hard feelings as possible.
1. save up nest egg for brother
2. kill self
simple; I don’t care anymore how I earn the money, just that I do. I’m putting this out to my universe so that it sinks deepeer into my brain. I don’t give a fuck about existence. I want out. The things that go on around me, this life, this society of “civilized” apes.. me nah want it. fuck it. keep it. don’t need it. don’t want perception. don’t want a brain. don’t want to know anything. non-existence, c’est ca […]
I was beautiful.
I was light.
I was in full control.
I could resist everything.
I loved their whispers, their stares.
I was faster than everyone.
I was not injured.
I was not broken.
I was not torn, or shattered.
I did not limp.
I could do what needed to be done.
I was smart.
I was confident.
I could ignore that voice.
I still loved him.
I did not love him.
I had cheekbones, collarbones, shoulder blades, ribs, wrist bones, knees.
I had everything.
Now I can’t even control my brain.
I’m not fast.
I’m not light.
I’m not who I should be.
Everything […]
ight as well start with a smiling face because im pretty sure i wont end the journal with it once ive finished writing all this , well as the title says where to begin , i guess i should start with positive , i managed to draw Ezio Auditore de firenze  even though i think i messed up slightly with the face and hands , but nobodys perfect , at least now i know what to work on which is a positive XD ……trying to think what else is positive , well ive got my birthday in 11 months lol but its going to be […]
back again, like I could ever leave this place. My sober side want’s to quit but my high side wants to try. I’ve been tired of drugs, but they keep me around. I really am well adjusted, just so fricken lazy. I feel like something else; I don’t want to be human. This life seems so stupid and it’s so long, every day all day, living breathing. Everything is so tiring. I’m afraid to stop taking drugs because then I might kill myself, and I won’t get to play with the playdough that is my life.
I have moments where I enjoy things but rarely when […]
you know when you feel lower than everyone? your grades are not that high that no one lets you take a decision because they think youre too young… that everyone around you is aloud to tell you what you shouldnt do or be or even like, while you arent aloud to discuse with them….I’m here … lying in my bed thinking again about suicide… yes im sick of life like everyone! i’ve started to think about suicide since 6th grade… now im in secondary 4 … in overall i have problemes everywhere… whatever i may do people around me get dissapointed and if i do […]
who else is sick of stereotypes and people judging? i know i am, but i also know i judge as well. tho i try not to..
well my half idea is.. we should do something about it don’t you think? i want to do something like on the movie ‘pay it forward’ if you haven’t seen that movie watch the trailer, you will still understand :). but the thing is, my brain runs dry when i try to think of what do to. so i need some help. i think this project will keep me busy. so my depression might be pushed to the back of […]
God I’m so fucking miserable, so fucking depressed AGAIN. and i’m just sitting here trying to tell myself it’s not ME it’s just in my head. just my messed up brain telling me i’m not okay cuz there’s nothing to be really sad about. unless i think about it. which is easy to do when you’re alone. easy to do when you can never shut your head up.
a couple of nights ago i was just laying in bed waiting for sleep to take me, and instead of thinking about my shitty stupid day i started day dreaming. and in this dream (which part of me […]
I wanted to try something to get more knowledge of what songs people might like to make them happy..they say classical music stimulates the babies brain so maybe if I listened to good music that makes you happy then we could be on the same page..that’s what friends are for right? I like leona Lewis, footprints in the sand & I like beyonce, I’m here. Now it’s your turn..what songs make you happy?
the only time I feel calm without the influence of drugs, is here. Fuck, what’s wrong with me? :s
I think about dying, and now, what holds me back is that I won’t get to swim in the sadness that I’ll cause with my death. I won’t be able to lick the tears of my loved ones as they wonder why they didn’t notice my derangement sooner. I wanna be like huck finn, fake my death and attend my funeral. The only happiness I have is others misfortune and oh golly would I love to feed off the negative energy that would be radiating from my […]
Today’s my birthday. It doesn’t even feel like anything special…my own dad forgot, and as selfish as it sounds, nobody got me anything. I always hated having my birthday so close to christmas, and new years, but this year really sucked. My boyfriends mom has been sick, so he’s been forced into staying at home, and he’s sick too. All in all today SUCKED and doesn’t make my already depressed and slightly suicidal mindset attack my brain any less. All I really wanted was to spend time with the people I’m closest too, and I can’t even get that. 🙁
All the fake bs on […]
There’s this funny little contraption in my chest.
Right here, on the right side of my body below my neck. I can feel it pumping blood through me, beating life into my veins, but that’s all I need to FEEL.
It’s called a heart.
I’ve never understood how this thing works. It’s just a part in my body, it doesn’t have a mind of it’s own, it’s not its own seperate entity, and yet It makes me feel emotions that I shouldn’t have to ever feel.
WHY???
Take love for instance. When your in love with someone your heart knows it. It swells with this creation of a thing I like to […]