been a long time since i have suicidal thoughts going on through my mind . it seems like getting stronger each day . the scars on my wrist are getting deeper and deeper each day . and each day , I’m hating myself even more . every day i questioned myself why am i even alive . i just wished i can be died . be dead by losing a lot of blood or even eating a lot of pills so i overdosed . my life couldn’t get any worser . why am i alive . why is my life like this . i just […]
So I’ve lost hope now. Years and years of therapy, waiting a shit load of money – sorry mum. I just feel like nothing is helping. I’m still cutting and going deeper and worse, I’m still suicidal and getting closer to death and my mind is going darker and darker, losing its contrast. I’m slowly giving up and all it’s doing is hurting my family.
It’s like a taste in my mouth..
Yes a taste, very faint, but still there
I can just see myself. Released into space
Suffocating from the lack of oxygen
Just so peacefully dying
I don’t want to blink and be dead
No…I want to feel it…to feel it slowly slipping away
I have these day dreams, where I’m in Chernobyl..
Walking down the street wearing the uniform of one of the original fire men..helmet to boots…
Just walking the empty city like a zombie
Letting the radiation turn my skin pail, my veins showing like I’m some kind of junkie,
A Fox walks up and asks? […]
Imagine you are in an emotional crisis and you need to feel comfort and consolation, so you turn to the photo album you keep. You open it, hoping to find good memories from those few moments in the past when everything seemed okay, even if only for a short while.
But when you open the photo album, it is mostly blank and empty. 90% of the pictures have been removed, and you are left with nothing more than what your spotty memory can recall.
This is how I feel when I go back through SP, trying to re-live good memories from favorite fun conversations in the past– […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Hey.
Been a long time again. In 25 days I will be in London looking for a job and stuff. Up till then I have nothing to do. Nothing. I have no job. I just workout. My days are so boring. Sometimes I walk my dog, I love him, he is so playful, he makes me happy and laugh.
On the suicide front I think I have made a progress. I think less, way less then before, but I still have thoughts. I have […]
I kept telling myself I would do it.
First I smoked some bud. Then I grabbed my backpack, drove to a parking lot along the river.
I crossed the railroad tracks, and tied the backpack straps around my waist as I made my way to the water.
I was still wearing nice shoes, but I figured it wouldn’t make any difference, so I waded in the water.
I had every intention of doing this. I stood there, having blocked any thought of turning around. I took another step forward, feeling my leg sink into the soot deeper than I thought. My heart raced.
I was able […]
Fucking hypocrites, everyone of them.
Everyone who judges me and tells me I’m on the wrong path; then I look a little deeper and realize what fucked-up lives THEY lead.
Their own abusive relatives, partners who ignore them, bad marriages, addictions, self-loathing… they need to look at their own fucking problems before they pass sentence on me.
I’m not going to listen to them anymore. I am reaching higher. I am going within and learning to follow my instincts; to listen to my gut, my head, my heart. I am going to hone that skill. All my instincts have been telling me to Be Love. To reach out to those I want […]
Idk if this is the way I have always been or that this is the way I have become. I have so little to offer the world, so little skill or ability which in many ways makes me a worthless loser.
that wouldn’t be bad if I wasn’t such a monster inside. As the feeling of helplessness build coupled with lack of connection, and on top of that people acting towards me like I’m some sort of a freak, it created/encouraged the monster within.
It was the copping mechanism which has further ruined my life. As the problems were put off to a later age, the monster […]
Today was scary Realised there is acutely people on here that might not be here tomorrow.that is scary and I don’t know I din’t understand that earlier. To wiskered-fish I was terrified that she might be gone today so young and so tortured and lost along with everybody in this world SP including myslef.
before loging on to Sp today I been feel extremely low and suicidal the most I have years . yesterday I honstly thought I should have cut deeper and left scars showed them all how fucked up I am I should have tried to kill myslef months ago. I should have cut so […]
I do wonder were il be in the next 5 to 10 years or what il be doing and then on the other hand I wonder if il make it that far shit my life has fell apart and still not to sure why I’m hanging around for ? Isit that question WHAT IF ? Yeah maybe or do we just fear the unknown what good can come from emotional pain apart from self harming and suffering and heart break ? I look at my scars and think why didnt I push more deeper and just bleed out months ago or swollow a bunch of […]
Let’s laugh a bit. I remember when I was 16 an entered chatroullete. I admit, I was proud that I was having muscles and stuff. But I was not very interested in hooking girls. And then one girl appeared, and I was drinking juice and she was like, I just want your juicy cock, hahahaha. And she was spamming, fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me . And then she said, deeper, harder, cum and she turned on the shit out of me . Hahahaha, I may die next week, let’s laugh.
I have done everything i wanted to do.
I got a decent job.
Some materialistic desires.
The guy.
Money.
And repect?
Its not enough. I dont feel anything. In fact i feel worse.
Instead of climbing out of the hole im just making it deeper.
Really just feel stuck against a wall. I’m joined to someone who wants to fix me. Sure my emotions can be intense. Ups and downs, but I’m OK with that. I have my vices and quirks. I’m OK with those too. They continually force me into shoes that don’t fit, then go off when I express discomfort. They bleed all the joy from the little things in life, they work diligently to prevent the bigger ones. Then mock my misery.
They sit me down for “serious time” to get to a deeper level of understanding. History has proven that just refills their arsenal to use against […]
its probably only me but I just find life too hard. I hate the way my mind works, I just see the bad in everything and feel like I cant fit in with these happy go lucky optimistic people.
I wish there was a way to talk about issues and improve things before they got so bad. But when I was a teenager, I thought they were already really bad, was struggling back then and I didnt want to admit to anything because that would put me in a deeper hole that I already was in.
Just wish there were people that could have helped me when […]
I want to know who thinks assisted suicide is right or wrong ?
In my opinion , I think if someone would like to die, then so be it . Some of us will never escape this darkness.
Instead of having a excruciatingly depressed life one can die. Now that seems more humane to me than keeping someone alive that suffers from so much pain .
I wish that ******** was legal here. I used to spend months online looking for countries that can ship it to the US. It’s almost $1000 dollars though and I don’t have that kind of money .
I’m ready to die. I […]
At age 34, I’ve dealt with the darkness many times over, faced the abyss, waking up to the desire to no longer be here, but pushing through anyways, retaining a sliver of hope for better days, however long it may be to see them again.
Becoming crippled in my prime, on crutches for 7 months, knee braces for another year and 1/2, struggling to finish college while majority of my peers go about their days oblivious to the able bodied gifts they’d take for granted..The physical pain meaningless in comparison to the psychological, will I ever get better? Is this the new reality? I never got […]
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