I hate when he doesn’t talk to me and I feel like it’s because he can’t stand me loving him. I know I’m too hideous to love but I can’t stand being shut out. I might as well confess somthing since it will never happen anyway, because I’ll kill myself at some point this year. But I used to, since the age of 5, occasionally make plans for building a robot, because I knew even that young, that that would be the only way I’d ever have a male companion. The first Terminator movie didn’t come out until I was about 7. Over the years, […]
Tag:
enough
I’m taking a step forward.
The past few years have been rough on me. I’m nineteen, I go to college like any normal student, I have friends, I have a family. Every single person in my life are important to me, and I know they care about me even if they don’t usually show it.
Though I’m so tired of what they’ve been hiding. I’ve been a good friend, I know I have. I don’t talk about anyone behind their backs and people learn to trust me. I joke around, I make my friends laugh, I make them smile, and I’m serious when I need […]
Growing up in a traditional Asian household, life was very different from what I had read in American novels. With a strict Taiwanese father who graduated from Harvard, was the minister for Sino-America relations, and a Marine for 15 years, expectations were always set high. And my mother on the other hand, looked at me as no more than a show pony that she could steal accomplishments from. From an early age, achievement was measured in medals, and love in trophies. Whether or not I would get beaten depended on how fast my times in the latest swim meets were, how I placed in the latest […]
This is my first time doing this and thanks to those who read it. I dont really share my feelings but i thought i should give it a try. I don’t know why someone at age 20 feels the way that I do. Ever since my dad passed away when i was 11 I have felt empty. I was my bestfriend and my role model. He suffered from drug abuse and was clean for a year, then went to a hotel off the parkway, overdosed, and killed himself. Every time I think about it I blame myself(& I know many people say that there is […]
“he has a big nose, his eyes are too far apart, he looks weird, his hair is fucked, he’s too fat, he’s too short, he’s not muscular enough, he’s not cool enough, he doesn’t have a good enough job, he has a shitty car, he has a shitty apartment, he doesn’t have enough friends, he doesn’t have enough hobbies, god his life must suck.”
– The Human Race
I like lists, here’s “my story” in a list:
1. Decent (but not decent enough) suicide attempt in 2012 (overdose and wrist-cutting). No prior attempt and no attempt since (yet).
2. Spent a while in hospital recovering.
2. Mis-diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
3. Lived in a phyciatric hospital for a few months.
4. Re-diagnosed with major depression and anxiety.
5. Tried all the drugs (citalopram to lithium and all in between).
6. Lost job (and everything else). Unemployed.
7. Fast forward to 2015.
8. Finally back to “living a normal life” (Job, boyfriend, etc.) Not on any medication for a year.
9. Seriously considering suicide again (most likely gassing or hanging). I have a plan […]
“not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not fit enough.”
It echoes it echoes it echoes
Unwanted, unloved, and alone
You’re sick, you’re dying, and you’re cold
The smell of another doctors office
And another face like stone
The sound of machines buzzing
And you wonder why he didn’t show
Daddy, don’t you care
To know if your little girl will live
Why were you never there?
From sad beginning to bitter end
Mom, you tried your best
You’ll always be my best friend
But I guess I failed the test
It’s time for my greatest sin
Bang
Test the gun
Bang
One more time
A bullet for […]
Just saying I’m still here. I went to see the guy I like and it was different. Or rather, I tried to hide my feelings and I can’t do that forever. I learned that he is insanely picky and judgemental of girls and decides in less than a nanosecond who’s good enough for him and who isn’t, with most getting the no pass. But I’m still insanely attracted to him because he’s my type. I still feel like I’m better off dead, since I’ll never have love and there’s no point in living without someone to give my everything to.
Where do I start?
In a way I feel I have no right to be here. I’ve tried talking to others but repeatedly told my problems aren’t as bad as my sisters. Just first born problems I guess, feeling sorry for myself. I can’t fuck-ass around anymore, this is reality. As if I need to be told. Is my parent’s divorce reality enough? How about my sisters cutting, real enough for ya? how about not being able to sleep without feeling guilty about something: being a burden to my dad, an ungrateful daughter to my psychotic mum(emotional blackmailer, physically abusive to my sister and dad, compulsive […]
I guess I’m back for now. I don’t think there’s anyone left here that remembers me but I need somewhere I can talk or vent and not have it ruin my life because that’s all talking seems to do lately. I hope I can be the way I used to, I hope I can learn how to listen again… I was so much better at it when I was really depressed but before I watched my friends disappear one by one knowing they weren’t just hiding… It’s been a while and I hope I can be the person I was, and honestly I would rather […]
I’m looking at suicide methods again for the first time again after a while of being good. Over the last 5 years I tried to kill myself over a dozen times, climaxing last fall when I drove my car into a telephone pole going 70 mph, which left me completely unscathed. At that point I felt like I had exhausted all suicide methods I was willing to try, and was then trapped in the living world.
I guess I still feel that way. I don’t have the nerve to do something that could result in prolonged pain or a life of suffering after failure. Can’t hang, […]
I never believed when people said cutting was an addiction. But now it’s just not enough. I used to do baby cuts – just little ones – but a few of them at a time. They were small enough to go unnoticed even though I still wear short sleeved clothes. I didn’t want anything to be too obvious to people, but recently I’m noticing the are getting more inflamed and irritated – it kinda stands out too much.
Also I’ll admit I was scared of the pain. Initially that tiny pinprick was enough, but now it doesn’t hurt ENOUGH anymore. I want to cut deeper, but […]
hiohneh is an user of this board and I can’t talk to her, I am unable to send an e-mail because it seems to have got deleted by her and the blogspot she used to write is down!
I was really trying to help this person but it seems that it wasn’t enough and I am really worried about her and I don’t have another way to contact her I don’t know what to do!?!
I fear that she gave up and I will really miss this person.
I thought that she just wanted more time to chill off, but it seems that it was my fault because I […]
I’m about to give up. I don’t understand why this world hates me so much. Nothing I do is right. Nothing I do is good enough. I do everything for everyone and what I get in return is abuse and lies and manipulation. I cry myself to sleep every night. If I make the smallest mistake I get my food taken away for a whole week. I honestly don’t see why I even bother because no one wants me on this Earth so I might as well go someplace happy. Not like anyone would care anyways.
Dear Unnamed fuckface who threw his tray across the room and tried to play it of as an accident when he realized his favorite housekeeper was there,
you piss me off. Stop asking so many personal questions. Let me do my job and leave. It’s bad enough that I scrub toilets for a living. You really REALLY don’t have to make it any worse. I’m stressed enough without people like you making my job more difficult than necessary.
Sincerely,
Samantha. The very angry cleaning lady.
In other news, my head is pounding and I’m exhausted. I’ve been asking myself the same thing all day.
Do I really […]
Everyone has exes, everyone has little pieces of their heart that belong to other people, and it just becomes a part of who you are.
If I love enough people, will there be no more pieces of my heart that can belong to others?
Is it worth to live without a heart?
I am so lonely.
i’m so sick of this bullshit.
when there are many people around, they say that they’re so proud of me, that they’re lucky to have me as their daughter.
meanwhile at home, they just yell at me about how a disgrace i am to the family.
everything i do is for them, even just studying, even living.
they don’t believe in suicide, they tell me that people who commited suicide were just tempted by the devil.
but what they don’t know is that their own daughter is too.
i’ve been the salutatorian ever since i began studying. i’ve been the editor-in-chief of our school newsletter. i always join contests, but never won […]
I just don’t want to be here anymore. I want to close my eyes and wake up far away from here. I want the ocean to roar around me with every wave, as I watch them crawl up the sandy shore. I want to be in a dark hole in the ground. I want to have a place to hide, a door to shut, a place where no one can ever make me feel this way. I want things to just stop and go away, I can’t take it anymore. I’ve been so nice, and accommodating, but people still say I’m a ***** even though […]
I hate business !
I hate money !
I hate capitalism / capitalist !
The main reason is because business kills creativity & ideas . money kills creativity & ideas . capitalism / capitalist kills creativity & ideas !
There are a LOT of good ideas , creativity , imaginations , inspirations , dreams , & even good deeds that business / money kills ! simply because of a petty, shallow reason “it doesn’t make a lot of money or profits ! ”
money makes the world unfair ! business makes the world unfair ! capitalism makes the world unfair !
plus , the world becomes a boring […]
Tomorrow is the day my mom finds out I wont be graduating. I am so scared because she will beat me very badly when she finds out. Im going through enough with my depression. And now my anxiety is kicking in.