I lost everything that gave me connection, meaning, comfort and joy. That all happened in a short time frame a year and a half ago. One rug after another after another after another was pulled out from under my feet. There were so many bad turns and they were so astonishing, I can’t count them all. Life is gray. I haven’t had a second of joy for almost two years. People say, Wait it out, who knows what tomorrow will bring? I’m not getting better; it has been a nose dive for all that time. I got into therapy, and it took over a year […]
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hi I’m a 27 year old person that has been caring compassionate and loving. I have a wonderful family that I would love to repay for everything they have done for me. Lately my depression has been so heavy it hurts. I met a gir. l I’m absolutely nuts over and my mood and things chased her away. I’m so tired of being alive. My body hurts my mind hurts. 27 years old with no girlfriend behind in my education and with no way out. Surely there is a better place for someone like me. I’ve never hurt anyone, I live my life trying to […]
It’s not like with my personality I can change for the better. I know I won’t. It’s not about needing sympathy here or looking for common grounds with people. It’s just to basically type it out because I rather random faceless strangers from the internet to know than the people I’m “close” to.
It all started last week that I mentioned in an older post. I lost my car due to bogus reasons, and then the next day I got drug tested from my job, in which I have been currently using narcotics. They sent the sample off to the lab due to a line not […]
I had this dream about two weeks ago. I was on a boat going down these really peculiar canals. the river was narrow and everything was really low. There were platforms either side of the river, then tall walls along each side. But it didn’t make you feel enclosed. At the top of the walls you could see the blue sky, the walls were all pastel colours and had origami trees next to them. It had me so relaxed.
I wish I had that dream again.
I just want to talk about this one time I was is maths. I used to sit in the back left hand corner, out of the way. I now sit at the front dead centre where everyone can see me. I don’t really go to maths anymore.
Any way, back to the left hand corner. That day was colossally shit. The morning wasn’t great, it was just another one of those days where everything was subtly crashing down around me in the plain white room that is my maths classroom. For a while there was this guy in sixth form who came into our maths and […]
I’ve suffered from depression since I was a little girl. My real father molested me, abused me physically and emotionally, practically leaving me scarred for life. I’m now 15 years old and about to finish my freshmen year of high school.
Now here’s that twist that brought me here:
I started cutting when I was 10. It was a complete accident, I was working with my step dad and cut my hand. We bandaged it up, but that feeling of something like relief stayed with me. Suddenly, I’d purposely find ways to get myself injured. I’d bump into tables, fall off my skateboard, jump from a tree; […]
How do I do this? How do I say the things I want to? My whole life I’ve been told I come second- to everyone and everything else. Not even second, dead last.
I’ll never be good enough for anyone, no matter what.
I’m just a mistake. A failure. I’ve tried so hard, but I’ll never make it. I’m too lazy and stupid and selfish and stubborn.
I’m not a good person, at least not anymore.
People might have called me kind once upon a time, but that’s long since been replaced by ‘cruel’ and ‘arrogant’.
Heck, I […]
ever since primary school I had been cutting. I dud it because all my ‘friends’ were horrible. One day they were all friendly the next day they would be holding me down and throwing footballs at me. Bow I’m in secondary school. And it just got worse. I was alone again. Then people started commenting on my appearance. I began starving myself to make ne skinnier than I am. I gate being ugly I hate it. One day I decided I was gonna do it. I had enough. But then this boy stayed up all night trying to stop me. He was the kindest person […]
it is very tiring to feel like the only one, to blame yourself for everything, to see choices that you made that are set in stone in a cruel world. it is very tiring to now have physical symptoms due to stress and feel it is your fault, it is very tiring to be alone and constantly struggling to get around seen by no one in this cruel ass world
ptsd and sexual abuse and no family and loneliness and self-blame and no way to get around and no one who truly cares is a recipe for going home
god doesnt care either b/c god has never […]
I have tried to hang in there as long as I could. Waited and waited for the only thing that could save me. But she (and them) chose to let me be. She didn’t find it in her heart to save the man that used to be her entire world. The man who did everything for her (and them) for 5 1/2 years. No, that must have never happened. Our relationship must have never existed. I, therefore, never existed.
It must be a heavy burden to carry. Being the one thing that can save a human life. And yet, when faced with the same choice in […]
Idk. I’ve been doing very well lately with college and diet.
I meet this guy 3 months ago, thought he was my friend but we become closer and it didn’t work out at the end. Too bad I know him and his intentions enough to realize how predictable can be everything when it comes to misunderstandings. I guess I don’t like him that much if i can’t deal with the whole situation. I didn’t wanted to be with him in a romantic way anyway, it ruined everything, wish i would said “no” at the very first chance. We had a good laugh though.
So, again, i meet […]
So, apparently there is this earthquake that is supposed to take place in California on May 28th and I hope it happens so I can finally die in my sleep. I’m tired of this life, and I’m tired of waking up in the mornings knowing I have to start another miserable day of this life of mine. I’ve posted here in the past several times but as the days go on my depression gets worse and my thoughts get deeper. I honestly can’t take it anymore, I’m tired of being so lonely and only being remembered when people need something from me. I have no […]
When will this all get better ? For years I’ve been waiting to just have one person I could love & grow with that would love me back . I loved & I gave 100% & I still got played . I changed my life, my ways, my views & in the end it was all in vein . I’ve never felt betrayal like this before … I’ve never felt pain like this before . I’m always so strong & now I don’t know where that girl is anymore . I allowed people to steal my joy & everything else that made me, me . What […]
So anyway, the last year or so has really sucked. My wife made up lies to the police to get me arrested and got a protection order against me to get me removed from my house. Never spoke with her for the next year, except through our lawyers since she served me with divorce papers. Now that the protection order is expired she has been talking to me sweet as can be when I go over there to pick up our son. Of course the divorce is still going forward, it should be final any day now. She’s supposedly a Christian now and she says […]
I’m just so fuckin sick of this. Before I met tbis creature, I was happy. My own apartment, job, money in the bank, car , NICE things. I genuinely cared about other people. I would make a lunch to give to whatever homeless person I saw once a week on the way to school. He has taken everything from me. I am just a disobedient dog, fuckin stupid cow, dumb monkey.
I don’t just want to kill myself. I want to throw myself in front of bus/train, anything really. I want to jump out of a building. […]
As i’m sitting here, home alone, typing this, i’m feeling slightly hopeful for this website. I don’t know how many people are active here. I don’t even know if I really care. All I know is that I need a place to vent when I need to, and this place caught my eye. I would like to begin by just venting about my setting. I’m sitting here at a kitchen dining room table that’s littered with used kleenex- 15 of them, my OCD made me count-, a red face, and a wadded up suicide note. Kidding about the last thing. I have a need to […]
I have been thinking for years that this stupid life should stop.
No purpose, what am i living for?
I m hearing those voices in my head saying “i want to die” over and over again, I was feeling better once i said it to my future ex wife, but now she is gone.
It was not easy to keep it in myself, thinking of it everyday, failing at my feeble tries. My cat wake me up when i was falling asleep with a bag on my head, when having a fight with my wife, that knife i had in my hand, didnt had the edge to open […]
Im over it over everything im always either angry, crying or numb i cant go a day without drinking i dnt want too being sober makes it harder to face the fact that im worthless and have every reason to kill myself i try to talk myself out of it but each time i feel like im closer im just so tired of crying and hurting all the time things dnt get any better. 21 years and they only get worseim not sure how much longer i can take this or if i want to try anymore. Its time i accepted that soon […]
I honestly have stopped caring about what anybody has to say about me . I plan on leaving soon I’m doing my best at enjoying my last days ( but of course I am not) my mom has been rubbing my mistakes in my face and she’s really just making this living hell. I am really not close with my siblings or father because I am 17 and under 18 I can not do as I please. This last year I have been in the hospital twice for suicide attempts and I have been a rebel with my mom …. She tries to control […]
There’s something that has been bugging me lately, and I would like some of your advices here.
One of my biggest problems is that I’m a nobody (or at least I feel like it). If I died today no one would know who the hell I was or they would forget about me pretty quickly. I have friends, but I often feel like I’m left apart, or that I don’t fit in. And there are a lot of people who I’d like to talk to or I would have liked to, but they don’t even know I exist. People who […]