I have so many thoughts in my head right now that I can feel the weight of them pushing me down. There is so much going on at one time in my life right now that I don’t know how to sort it all out or how to even begin to deal with it. First there is all my friends leaving; I knew this was coming but for some reason in my sick and twisted world I had made myself believe that I had so much time to say goodbye and that summer was just going to last forever and no one was really going […]
Tag:
Faith
I don’t really talk much about my suicide attempt but when I do, I get choked up and cry. She didn’t know much about it but today, at her house she happened to be looking through my blog and read what I wrote on my day back from the hospital. I couldn’t even look at her. She held me as I cried, and she did nothing but hold me for a while. I don’t know how she does it. How she can be around me, someone so broken and torn between life and death all the time, and still manage to fucking smile. How she […]
I Lift up my empty hands to you Lord  .I have faith in You to move mountains.and I thank you for Your presents  around me and long to go home to You Lord with my hands lifted high for You…..
Towards the end when Agent Smith and Neo are battling inside the matrix and it looks like Agent Smith has won the battle, Neo stands up again to him…
Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you’re fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without […]
I miss you.
I miss you like hell.
Why did you have to change.
We fit so well together.
We were soulmates.
But you had to change.
I probably sound crazy but I’m so emotionally broken deep down in my heart I don’t know what to do.
Self harm is so relieving.
It’s how I tolerate the pain.
I thought this kind of stuff would never happen to me.
I can’t reach out for help. It seems unnecessary. I don’t want to disturb everyones little happy bubble. So I need to hide it. Hide all of my emotions so no one can see how broken I am. No one needs to know no one cares. […]
Life is too precious too consider throwing away. theres so many beautiful people in this world and mysteries and suprises you’d never expect and to cut your life short is throwing away any chance of having that. My mom always said it’s funny how things work, and she’s right. Having god come in my life in 10th grade couldn’t have been just a coincidence. i didn’t know the hardships and battles i would face later in life. God guided me all the way through there though, it was a miracle. i’ve made alot of mistakes along the way and my drug and alchohol abuse, while […]
I do. It seriously feels like a disability often. You have so much that you have to worry about like making sure you don’t get raped. Every time I go out somewhere, I’m always told not to be out too late since it’s “especially dangerous for girls.” I hate that. That makes me try to dress as much like a boy as I can, so maybe I’ll be mistaken for one. I think about cutting my hair short and not shaving, but then I’ll be labeled as a “butch lesbian” since I am gay. It’s not fair. Aside from the obvious things like getting your […]
So ive never been a blogger or anythig but I would like to share my story so people can relate. When I was younger I was bullied at home and at school. My dad was always very mean to us whicj is sadly common. I was a very sick child and they thought I would die at an early age. I was very skinny where you coul see all my ribs and my eyes sunk in. People often made fun of me at school for being so sick. I was bullied all through elementry school for being ugly,sick, and dumb. Life was very hard for […]
Every time I go to do this I just stop. Why can’t I do this? Â Why can’t I just form words? Why am I so afraid of the unknown? I hate it when people say that suicide is selfish. You know what’s selfish? Letting someone get so low that its the only option. People don’t understand suicidal people because it’s a torment so agonizing that they can’t possibly imagine going through that type of agony. They don’t understand what it’s like. I can’t do this anymore. Too damaged to live but to cowardly to die. Surrounded by perfect cookie cutter people whos biggest worry in […]
Oh lonely flower, where do your seeds go?
Oh lonely flower, may you forever grow.
Oh lonely star, how bright is your light?
Oh lonely star, blending in with the night.
Oh lonely boy, where have you hidden your scars?
Oh lonely boy, keep faith in your heart.
Oh lonely moon, why do they sleep when you rise?
Oh lonely moon, if only they saw the tears in your eyes.
Oh lonely world, where are the friends?
Oh lonely world, I must make this end.
A Day To Remember – Have Faith In MeÂ
I love this song!
I had a good day so I thought I’d share one of my happy things… 🙂
If I were to be honest for a change and told you what was inside me. All the demons I fight every day. How much regret I have for everything I have done. If I told you that I want to kill myself. Would you understand? Probably not. Everyone looks at me like I’m insane. All the scars on my arms and legs it reminds me that my past is real. Every day I look in the mirror and hate what I see not just the outside the inside too I feel so ugly. I’m full of anger and sadness. I’m deprived from happiness. I […]
This is the first time i write about my suicidal thoughts on the internet..I have no financial problems, so financially speaking i have a life that many would want. I’m also still young, many people tell me that i have my whole life ahead of me and that i shouldnt be pessimistic..but i have never had the life i really want. I didnt have many friends untill recently, and that was only because we share a habit which is drinking and smoking pot..i have thought about taking my life for many years now, i was even seriously planning on doing it one time but i […]
I’m dead. I don’t seem dead, I can breathe and taste food and smell flowers, and I don’t look dead but I AM DEAD. My mind has turned into decay, bit by bit it’s crumbling to dust. A lunatic lives inside here, a scavenger that feeds upon my decaying soul.
I look in the mirror and I don’t see my silhouette anymore, all I see is this thing that’s consuming me and my shadow behind it like a forgotten whisper of who I was once upon a time. I’ve shredded everything that has made me once me, my faith and my imagination are gone and […]
I go through these periods of withdrawal, when all I can seem to do is stare at the wall or refresh internet pages.  Other times I just feel sick or exhausted or down in some other way that I can’t explain.  I don’t seem to care about anything anymore.  Today I began a journal entry: About a year from now, I will graduate from  college.  In a little over a year, I hope to be dead.  I have a plan, which is imperfect: I want to disappear without ever being found.  I want my family to think I’m somewhere, alive, so that they don’t suffer. […]
Some time from nowhere comes a shining light. some times, from the strangest places.  today is just another day,like any other . but a light shined inside my window today ,in the form of a little penguin who love to surf. and with the will and the faith and determination over came all odds.   the film was nice i smile and looked at myself , and listen to the closing song on the sound track and heard something strange in the  lyrics. Did i hear it right. I raced to the laptop and found the song and was in shock. to see and hear the words to this song .  It made […]
well, here I am, 15, a pothead, a whore, doesn’t have anything to praise or look forward to after life. I’m all kinds of fucked up, I was always put last to 4 other brothers and sisters. I was raised by drug addicts and alcoholics and it’s  my fault I turned out like this when I was never told aanything different. I was never told about the danger of sex and drugs, I was raised by people who abused all of it, and I’m  the shitty one in the bunch?  Ha. You’re all so ignorant! If  you never wanted me to be so  horrible, maybe […]
The spoiler of Life.      HOPE
Hope ,that last  line that keeps you hear grounded.
Hope also brings  along for the run, Faith.
The belief that it will get better. Faith
Witch also stands along side with religion .
IF anyone can stop you He can. By witch name do i call you.
ARE YOU Â the ALL FOGIVING GOD , will you forgive me for what
ive done. Or will you judge me a coward and plugs my soul to hell.
wait is their even a heaven ? In my sleep i fine freedom from my
mind consent war . The peace i seek is their , No more pain, Nothing
simple sleep  is this what death is like? […]
im alive, im breathing,yeah. but i feel dead inside. there’s this empty place where my heart should be. i try to hold on so so hard for those who’d care. i know that some care,even if its just a few. some really try to help me, in every way possible,but obviously noone can tell my brain to stop talking. my mind continuously haunts me,my thoughts are impossible to escape. and i dont like the demons in my head. i don’t know how much longer i can handle being in my own skin,i’ll never be able to explain why i feel this way but i do. […]
You ended the silence in my heart, and mind,
I saw love, when I thought I was all but blind,
You are why I stay, you mean so much to me,
I hold onto you, and you do to me, I can see,
You suffer when you shouldn’t, so I feel pain,
You don’t deserve it, but your strength wanes…
Without you, life is hard, and I feel weak,
But I stay, to see you, and hear you speak,
“I love you”, you will say, and I will too,
As I will wait forever, to just say that to you,
You are my strength, and my […]