So, I just found out my best friend’s brother died from terminal illness. I know I should feel sad for him but I don’t. I realize he is Hurt but a part of me just wants to watch if he’ll Break from this. The loss he is feeling right now; I can’t sympathize or feel empathy for. God, I feel like a Monster but there is a contradiction.
Why do I want to save her? If I’m as evil as I think I am, the logical thing would be to leave her to her Pain and let her drown in the sand… Her […]
it’s amazing how they told me, when i was younger, that i won’t feel this way forever. They always told me that it will get better and that i should stay strong. Well, I can’t stay strong forever and things are only getting worse. I don’t know how long I can hold on…
I remember talking to a friend about the way i felt. They answered “Maybe life just isn’t for you.” This broke me but maybe they were right…All I know now is that it had never gotten better, so why would it now?
Just because, I smile, doesn’t mean I don’t know pain
Just because, I laugh, doesn’t mean I’m not hurting inside
Just because, I don’t cry every moment of the day , doesn’t mean I don’t want to
Just because, I can seem strong, doesn’t mean every little thing can’t break me
Just because, I seem happy and okay, doesn’t mean I am
Just because, I say ” I’m fine “, doesn’t mean I am
Just because, I look like I’m independent, doesn’t mean I don’t need love
Just because, I am not saying this […]
Thought it was as good a day as any.
The day of love.
I class myself as a very loving compassionate person,
so why not also die on a day that represents me.
Some may have seen a positive post I wrote.
Well guess what? It didn’t last. All happy days must come to an end.
I haven’t been on here for a few days because I smashed my computer
so had no way of accessing this site.
I had a rage attack which ended in me attempting to end my life
but yet again was intervened.
So everyone, as much as I try to be positive and make others feel better,
I’m unable to do […]
Welp the last time that I cut myself was basically 2 weeks ago (the last time I posted) it was much worse than normal…… it actually scared me they were not just deeper than normal but longer than normal, a few were still bleeding 3 days later…… So a few days after that I finally found my way into my school’s counselors office, it went better than expected…… I never told her exactly what was happening, but she sent me over to the crisis response unit (since she gathered that I at least had thoughts of causing myself harm) that was a terrifying experience…… However I […]
Do you have abnormally bad luck? Do bad things always seem to happen to you? Do you feel cursed?
I do. I feel as if the universe is trying to screw me over, bc no matter what I do, no matter what I don’t do, no matter what choices I make, bad shit happens to me, and I can’t fucking escape it. I thought I could. But after so many decades, I’ve lost hope that “things will get better.”
im a young adult with no future and i have no help support or friends,i tried taking my life last year and i ended up throwing up and choking it was awful and i think i got lucky,i then i tried again and failed,and now i think im honestly going to go even further then i have before,i use several different sites to come on and unload but people either don’t care or they think im a teenager,i know the best people can do is tell me to reach out but they don’t understand that the mental health system has failed me and that i […]
My cuts say just how much I despise myself. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I see a monster. A fragment and shadow of a person I used to be. Was I ever alive? I definitely don’t feel alive. I constantly need something to remind me that I’m alive.
I don’t know why my heart is still beating. It should have stopped a long time ago. I just keep postponing the inevitable. I will die anyway. We all will. So, why don’t I just end it now? I want it to end now. End it now before it gets broken and hurt […]
Well hey im 15 and tonight i told my mum what i’ve thinking for 4 years.. i wanted to disappear. Its not like i want to die or commit suicide, also i just hate the word suicide and people say “commit” suicide, it sounds like its a crime, but its not.
Well so I told my mind that I was just so sick and tired of life and didnt wanted to do anything. I just want to fade away and disappear. And if I do die I want to die by someone else or by an accident. So I don’t have to feel horrible by making […]
Do you ever feel like there is nothing left for you to do,
That everything inside of you has been let go of and you can’t fix yourself anymore than you have tried?
Believing in yourself had an expiration date for me; the day I was born.
Or maybe it was the day I realized I could never be a kid in my family. That I would always have to be some part-adult to take care of the adults around me. And with all of this responsibility I lost myself along the way, I was eliminated and there was no telling to what I had […]
Hi, I’m Nicole. I’m sorry that you’re here, but I’m also glad that you understand.
I would never consider death if there weren’t so many barriers to survival. I mean, many of those barriers are within myself, but there doesn’t seem to be much help to fix those things. I have tried counseling and talking with friends and praying (which I very much believe in), but I still feel wretched. I just can’t handle failure or any kind of mistake, really. It comes from years of abuse and others’ harsh reactions to childhood mistakes. Now, I react to failure in a way that resembles muscle memory. […]
Why do I find my morality, my principels to be so important. Is it because it is who I am, my very essence or protecting my pride from becoming like those who disgust me. Why do I care about others if I believe everything has no purpose, that our constant struggle is meaningless? I guess one could say that reality is based off one’s perception making any belief a truth. Although the world is non-existent to me those around me seem to see it. Maybe I’ve been sitting in the dark too long, maybe if I left my eyes open long enough I could see […]
I feel like being in a prison, not alowed to be myself.
Forced to wear a orange suit.
Forced to look the same.
I am smiling, laughing, acting like nothing is wrong.
In the mean time, I just want to explode.
I don’t think i can do this any more, i feel as if I’m just annoying everyone and that no one needs me any more which is true my father don’t even want to spend time with me any more. His started speaking in French so I don’t understand him when his talking to other family members but i understand what he says. Maybe leaving this wretched world will give everyone peace especially me. I can’t take the pain from being the mistake in the family, i mean i know i am the mistake it’s everyday i get told i am. I didn’t ask to […]
I went to visit someone that has been helping my mom. My mother respects this woman very much, because she sais she had been feeling a lot better ever since she’s been talking with her. So I made an appointment and I told this woman about my situation, she said a few things that sounded reasonable but at some point, while I was talking, she stoped me and told me I have been a cheap w*hor*e all this time, she said that it is what I am, that even if I was doing it without concious, all the same that was what I am behaving […]
Sometimes I feel like my depression is better, that this is just grief and anxiety. But even if it is, it doesn’t feel any easier. Maybe I can enjoy things more, sort of- I was able to paint this weekend- but on the other hand I can’t seem to write creatively. I had a short story due and for the first time since junior year of high school (about a decade ago), I missed a writing deadline. It was just like my brain wasn’t there. And while I can blame anxiety for my procrastination on my math homework, I can’t on the writing. Not fully. I […]
I found these two articles helped me feel a little better since it is related to my situation in many ways, and I thought that it’d be nice to share. Sometimes we are being mentally abused in ways that we are not able to perceive for ourselves by others whether intentionally or not. It helped me feel a little less weight on my shoulders and the mistakes I’ve made in the past. So I hope it does for you too.
10 Things I’ve Learned About Gaslighting As An Abuse Tactic
You’re Not Going Crazy: How “Gaslighting” Erodes Your Sanity
I usually stay up at night and question whether I have a future or not… honestly, I do not know. I am a failure. In my own family, people whom are supposed to love and protect me, I get abused physically, verbally and emotionally. I don’t know what to feel anymore because in all honesty, I can’t even love my own parents. I wake up everyday inside this madhouse and I’m slowly losing my grip on reality. Truthfully, I have lost all my respects for humanity. People can change, but they usually choose not to. Only the cruel and greedy ones ever win in this […]
Losing touch of reality is now my doom
I cannot see anything, not even the moon
For no one can feel the pain I now consume
Everything that I am will all be gone soon.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just pull the trigger
Understand me when I say that I can no longer linger
Counting endless sleep until I fall into slumber
Kiss me softly before I have my last supper
Soon enough no one will even bother.
From this moment on I am now a goner
Oxygen […]
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