This last week has been a blur.. I dont know what to think, cant seem to identify how i feel. When i think about leaving i seem to think of my kids less lately. And more about the end of feeling. Telling myself shell find someone to step in and in a few months itll be asif i had never even been here. Mom wont care, shell still be focused on success and work after a few weeks again. Dad wants to kill himself to so whats the difference. Im glad my boys are young they wouldnt remember. But i wonder would i be free? […]
That everything we have been told is a lie? Like a lot of people on here I often thought about suicide, but I thought I might at least do a lot of research on death before I really do it. I found out we might not be as free as we thought when we die. Even in death we might be trapped into keep coming back to earth to more pain and suffering. Take a look at this site http://humansarefree.com/2015/03/escape-their-trap-and-set-your-soul-free.html I have read about near death stories and they almost all involve […]
Some new poetry. Can’t think of a title. Feel free to make a suggestion.
Cut out the pain,
Cutting up the vein,
Literally metaphorical,
It’s all the same.
No point to life,
No will to die,
Pick out your poison,
Load the gun,
Sharpen your knife.
Obsessively depressive,
Oppressive consumption,
Elusive delusions,
Illustrate confusion.
Step out of insanity,
Stepping through reality,
Understandably indecipherable,
Becoming of a calamity.
There were many indications and hints long ago that something is off about me. There was a big fear that this thing that I call a life would never function like it is suppose to. Did anyone help? I don’t feel like they did but knowing how delusional I can be with my mind only thinking so negatively, they probably did.
Was it it helpful, I can easily say that no it didn’t really help me. Here I am years later with all of my issues amplified with new ones created. All of these problems coupled with the lack of energy that holds me down every […]
Had enough of theses four walls had enough of the same shit different day wake up go college going to work etc is this all there is to life ? What is our real purpose for being here apart from destroying the earth and destroying our selfs and then living another 50 years of being unhappy or like someone said on here to slave away to buy a house then call your self free but then your not really free because your stuck with a heavy mortgage over your head then your just living to pay that of but you have to want to live […]
After four days of being sick and near-bedridden because of the usual health issues, I was FINALLY able to get out today.
I was able to get up, shower, get dressed, and go out to one of my favorite WiFi spots.
I realize I should be used to it by now, but it’s just such an awful feeling to be trapped indoors like I am sometimes. It’s like being an animal caught in a trap. Stuck in bed, with bones hurting anytime I try to move. Rolling over in bed was something so difficult that it occasionally required […]
Well I have officially been 5 months self harm free and the last of my scars have finally healed. thought you can still see some of them faint lite pink lines. But I am amazed at my progress though it is slow and the temptation is so real is not even funny. I am doing ok I started my new major this semester and starting to go out more. Though my depression symptoms are still there and haunt me from time to time there no where as bad as they used to be. I have not been to a counselor at any point during this […]
I don’t think I should exist. I’m a terrible person. That’s not an emotional response, just a plain statement of fact. And I don’t think I have it in me to do better. I don’t want to do better. I want terrible things.
Except I don’t. It’s hard to explain. I have enough of a conscience to see what an awful person I am, and feel bad about it. It’s tough for the ego, realizing you’re at the bottom of the heap, morally speaking. But not enough to really want to do the right thing. I don’t care about anything or anybody enough for that.
I just […]
I don’t want to build a spaceship that travels at the speed of light or create replacement organs. I don’t want to figure out a clean abundant power source or a better way to grow produce either. I don’t want to do any of that nor do I want to participate in this stupid Capitalist system. I really don’t want to explain how socialism is not the same thing as communism and why a socialist president would benefit a semi-Capitalist America.
I don’t even care about the fact I was a guinea pig for now-commonly-used prenatal devices in Cali or the fact I helped preserve my […]
I always find it incredible, how, if we are ever able to get through extremely difficult times, we are never get affected by the same situations in the same way again. We become more resilient–like a weed or a drug-resistant strain of bacteria or a powerful virus.
We emerge from the dark tunnel and the world opens up. Once we accept our new worldview, we can’t ever go back. The same thoughts have a different nuance. We can’t be who we once were–ever.
Maybe that’s why “wise” people warn us of going down certain precarious paths. We can either stay innocent and not realize the world, or […]
Upon the edge of insanity,
flashing back to those fragments.
A silent voice screaming,
torn between desires to redo and destroy.
Various persona debating in mental court,
judge hanging by a thread.
Wanting to love yet accepting loneliness,
questions fire out.
“Should I play or sigh?”
To fight against myself or to protect,
that is the question.
Gay or straight,
it doesn’t matter.
Feminine guys or tomboyish girls,
both are fine.
In yaoi terms, fellow ukes or semes,
I’ll play both.
“Anyone daring enough to try?”
If yes, accept the demon or free the angel,
but understand this if the angel is wanted:
Be quick to free, lest the demon kill!
I think I can do it, actually I know I can. I can accept my guilt, I don’t need to throw away my morals. It will hurt my family but that’s okay, they’ll know I’ll finally be at peace. I can end this, I will finish this. No more will I be a part of this circus. My dream will come true and I will finally get some sleep. I have hope that I can be free once and for all.
even with a heart broken 1 see the divine within you all! you art the source pure and forever free stop playing games with yourself be silent and see!
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I AM DEATH! Make way one and all
Give me way, for here’s my queue
I am the cliff from which you will fall
From the tears of the beloved, I’ll make myself a devil’s brew.
I’m here, there, I’m everywhere;
Don’t try escaping, for your destiny is locked and I have the key
A baby, a mother, a wee puppy, your lover?
This is the face I use to show I care
Fight me not, just let it be.
I make big men cry,
I make demons laugh
I’ll take your loved ones, don’t ask me why
For like a carpenter does with wood, from you I’ll make a craft.
Come to me, for I have the […]
Yesterday I was at the condo unit of my friend with some blockmates. We decided to hang out there. They have 3 doubled deck. I lay down on the top bed near the window. I tried opening the window but they were mad at me. Maybe they know that I might jump out of the window. They know how crazy and mad I am. But I told them I wouldn’t jump. Not yet. And they let me open it but they were guarding me. I opened it and took my feet out. I looked down. I was very tempted to jump. It’s like I can […]
I have been struggling with depression for quite a while now. It hit me hard in March last year and it ended up with a suicide attempt that was close to being a success in late October.
After my suicide attempt i decided to make a change, but after i had a big breakdown at my birthday in december i realized that it wouldn’t happen.
To my surprise i got a job offer abroad, i have been here for a couple of weeks now, and things have been great ever since i got the offer really. But today i felt it was coming back, and it’s coming […]
Everyday is the same never f*cking ending routine. I get up, eat, go to work, come home and lay around until my body succumbs to drowsiness. I do nothing in my free time anymore. My passion for art is completely dead and my friends never invite me to do anything. They don’t text me or even come close to asking if they want to hang out with a loser like me. I feel alone. I feel uncared for. I feel unappreciated. I’m rotting from the inside out. Why the hell was i born if I was meant to suffer? If I was meant to hate […]
hey guys, would just like to say I hope everyone has had a safe weekend. I understand life may be difficult now, but as humans we are capable of great things. Remeber that you are never alone, you will always have someone to talk to on here; this is just a stage. You are the star player in your life, if you don’t like the way things are, try and change them, if you can’t, work to change things for the best. I know that feeling you have when first thing you do in the morning when you open eyes, is question your existence on […]
Leaving is never easy.
It is rather hard.
And even though it may seem dreamy,
It can only make you scarred.
I’ll be missing me,
Even if no one else does.
Because exactly like at sea,
The wind blows just because.
It is sad,
Knowing I’ll be gone.
That’s why I must stay,
And live on.
I must endure the pain.
The journey is long,
But I think I can cut thorough the chains
Because to leave without a goodbye is wrong.
Not a goodbye to them,
But to me.
I deserve better
And to be free.