I need help… I need to feel something again other than pain and sadness and heavy hearted. I’m falling apart and no one notices anymore because apparently I’ve been become too good at hiding. Ironic really that the only thing I’m good at anymore is hiding how I really feel. 22 years of doing it though, I better be fucking good at SOMETHING.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me… Why can’t I ever enter into a relationship where I’m not used, betrayed, or abused? Why can’t I feel happiness again, but REALLY feel it? I smile at my loved ones, I fake that I’m okay and on the inside I’m drowning, struggling to keep afloat and torn apart. My scars have scars and the cuts the cuts and bruises seem never-ending. I fall and get back up over and over again… But why? If all that happens when I stand up is falling back down, what is the point?
I feel like I’m dying. My chest is always tight, my throat always threatens to close and tears happen hourly. My body hurts from the sobs, silently throttling me… My head feels like I’ve been in a fight, my eyes feel heavy, my lips are swollen… I have to force myself from going to the kitchen, force myself to look away from anything that can provide me release. Fight, fight, fight. THAT’S ALL I EVER DO.
Fight my mom when she tells me that I shouldn’t cry all the fucking time, fight my dad off me when he tells me that I’m worthless, fight my demons who tell me that I need to be dead… Fight myself, because I’ve been told I’m not good enough so many times I believe it now. “You’re fat”, “You’re stupid”, and “You’re never going to amount to anything anyways.” I was raised with the idea that no matter how hard I try, I can’t be enough.
Pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough, perfect enough, happy enough. Well, I have HAD ENOUGH.