Im 17 years old. My dad is a heavy drinker and is addicted to meth. When I was younger my dad used to touch me inappropriately when he was all strung out on meth. Everytime I now see him strung out, I play the moment of him touching me. I’m scarred for life. I can’t look at my father the same. I smoke weed to cope. I am really depressed with my home life. No one in my family has ever graduated from my moms side or my dads side, an I want to be the first. But I don’t .believ in myself. I lack […]
Tag:
in my head
I have been thinking for years that this stupid life should stop.
No purpose, what am i living for?
I m hearing those voices in my head saying “i want to die” over and over again, I was feeling better once i said it to my future ex wife, but now she is gone.
It was not easy to keep it in myself, thinking of it everyday, failing at my feeble tries. My cat wake me up when i was falling asleep with a bag on my head, when having a fight with my wife, that knife i had in my hand, didnt had the edge to open […]
I am miserable inside, its getting harder and harder to wear a smile on my face because there is always that little voice in my head telling me “your not happy!!!!????”
There’s a voice in my head i never can ignore.
I hear it every single day, and right now it seems like i want to hear it more.
It sounds appealing to my ears because my soul is gone.
I wish that i could draw closer cause it’s a sweet song.
It calls my name day and night like it is next to me.
And i can almost feel it cause this pain is stuck inside of me.
I swear that one day I’ll pull the trigger to escape this trap.
So i can stop breathing while i take a never ending nap.
Nightmares stay […]
Man i hate life, but if the shoe fits, wear it.
i hate myself for being born on this evil planet.
if i could kill and get away with it ill make these fuckin Christians pay in blood because they know inside they fuckin did it.
I bathe in pain because my life is in a fucking mess.
Don’t say you understand because you dont know how i stress.
i think about suicide all the time because i wanna die so bad and it dont matter that im fuckin pressed.
Take a moment to think about what i see.
All i see are ghosts of […]
The demon in my head just keeps getting louder every day. It’s to the point where everything around me is tuned out and he is all I can hear. I cant silence him. I’m at the point where im ready to listen, I just want peace. Ive chosen antifreeze and gatorade combo. Ive done thorough research and believe this is the best method for me. I only want peace.
I am sick and tired of it all.
The only thing that is sort of positive is that I’ve been organizing and getting rid of junk that has accumulated over my lifetime.
I pulled out the pictures of me, but I got rid of school yearbooks. Some I torched, some I put in the trash. Didn’t even bother recycling them.
I have a bible, still kept it in a box with a bunch of other books, but I don’t really give it much weight anymore. I’ll probably get rid of it in a couple of days as part of the whole process.
There are some things that are still […]
today is a dangerous day for me. my husband is currently out of the state. my therapists and shrink don’t work on fridays. not that i would reach out to them anyway. i am alone with my thoughts and my gun. today is not the day i had originally chosen, but what is the difference? it is not going to change things if i wait a few more days. my “funky” way of thinking is not going to be changed. i have tried to explain how this go around has been different than the others. but i don’t have the words. all i can say […]
the day is coming fast. i have things to do. death preparations someone told me. making sure things are in order- savings accounts, insurance policies, bills for the month paid. gonna start cleaning my closet. nothing obvious. been writing goodbye letters in my head. there is a small part of me who is screaming . the majority says shut up. i can’t explain what is going on in my head. rapid mood swings, not wanting to talk, wanting to be alone. all kinds of physical complaints. too late to address those. too late to address my fucked up head. i accept responsibility for the fucked […]
I’m part of a ****** chat room called Crisis-Chat, and most if not all of the users from there, are from here. I was one of the few… okay maybe the only one, to have joined SP AFTER I joined ******. Anyway.
Lots of people post here, lots of people threaten suicide. I seem to do it enough that I might as well post it here for attention, right? I don’t even fucking know what I want to do anymore. I’m tired but I’m not. I’m hungry, but when I eat, I feel sick. My head hurts but its magically fine if I go to take […]
I didn’t see any age restrictions so, I turn sixteen in a month. I promised myself when I turned fifteen that I wouldn’t live to be sixteen, that I had to kill myself before that. But I am a coward, so I just pray every single day to God to just let me die. Car accident, burglary-gone-wrong, give me cancer for fucks sake. But nothing. I’m still here for some reason, maybe. I don’t even know why I’m posting here, I just got bored and decided to ask Google why I was still alive. It didn’t give me an answer, but I found this site. […]
I can feel it. The pull to take a beer or any other drink I have every night, when the thoughts come creeping up. The sweet, blissful promise of release from the voices in my head and the cool, refreshing feeling as the liquid touches the back of my throat, giving me a sensation similar to falling into the arms of someone who cares. They won’t shut up, so I drown them. Just for tonight, because a permanent way to shut them up doesn’t seem to exist. A constant battle, day after day, always ending in my twisted, ironic victory. Like fighting a bomb – […]
It’s been 16 years and life already feels like it should be over. I want out. But at the same time I’m scared….because I don’t know what happens next! I hate the unknown. Going will kill my Mum and she’s already on the edge – all I care about – but it will give me relief.
I want to go because as I quote from Footloose: “I have been so lost. I’ve been losing my mind! And you don’t even see it. You don’t even care”. I’m not who I want to be and I can’t be that person because I’ve left […]
At night time when I’m laying awake in bed I hear voices, I know they’re in my head but they aren’t like normal thoughts; they sound real and alive like someone’s speaking to me. It makes me confused thinking about it because they’re always right but they’re never things I’d personally say to myself or even think in my head. Most of the time they’re negative things, comments on my personality or how I look and act. Other times it’s like they’re trying to make me think that someone’s done something horrible or that I should do something horrible.
I guess I’m just overly confused about […]
Every day I go thru this. Even on this site, nobody cares, forever the invisible person, hearing his voice in my head. I am tired of bearing the unbearable alone in a triggering hell. I am tired b/c people’s casual judgment can’t begin to touch how bad the remains of what csa has done to me, a battering and torture of my mind heart body and spirit. They can judge thru these words not understanding the anguish I feel in my soul, how my brain can feel so scary, how noise batters me, how his horrible voice accosts me, how I have panic attacks in […]
I don’t know how I’m feeling I can usually tell but this morning I woke up and I just feel here my thoughts aren’t really there now it’s just images and words passing by in my head so fast it’s hard to make them out. I don’t know what I’m thinking and that bugs me a lot no being able to feel what I’m feeling
From a certain light I can imagine the numbness – the nothingness – as being peaceful. Relaxing almost. But in reality that’s not the case, you all know that’s not the case. Because when you’re in that state of mind, you are trapped between 4 walls that are closing in around you. At least that’s how it feels. Time passes and soon enough you’ll have to leave the (dis)comfort of your own bed, and go to work, school or university and pretend to be a civilised human being. Pretend that you aren’t entertaining those darker thoughts during every pause or break in your day. Pretend […]
I have a problem. The first step is admitting it, right? That is what they say on TV. So I am going to put on my big boy pants and fess up… I’m addicted to pills. Sleep aids, cough medicine, herbal supplements, antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, anything! Let’s put it this way, if I am taking a walk and see a blister pack on the ground with one mystery pill inside, I have to restrain myself from picking it up. I’ve stolen medication. I’ve taken handfuls of it. I’ve lied to get it. I just can’t seem to stop. But it’s only because I a so […]
This is silly. I finally realize the number one thing that’s been retarding every attempt I make at living, and things just get worse. I’m stupid. My reason is gone. I don’t even get intoxicated anymore. It’s just a way to relieve the pressure in my head. I’ve grown up so much lately. And every ounce of maturity carries with it in equal weight a new wavelength of despair. I have no energy. I am a brick. I cannot think. I’m just being lazy. I’m a coward. I’m afraid to be strong. Being strong takes too much energy. I don’t have energy. I am a […]
I really can’t take being ignored anymore I thought maybe if I try and talk to someone it will make me feel better I tryed speaking to my dad and he said get on with it my mum just ignored me. I even tryed to tell my so called friends that I don’t want the here anymore and that just thought I was joking about nobody get it. I just can’t the pain anymore.
This is my finally goodbye thank you to everyone that tryed to make me feel better the smorning the first people that’s done that in a long time but I […]