I went to the Buddhist center with my roommate and he was volunteering there and I was with a woman who is some regional leader that he’s close to and people were chanting for 2 hours. So I did the 2 hours of chanting then most everyone moved to the auditorium and even though we were just listening to people speak and not chanting, I had a vision that I’d live somewhere past 85 and I would always be alone, never marry, never have anyone, and never have sex again from this time forward. I didn’t think I’d be homeless and I don’t know how […]
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Just saying, just got kicked in the teeth. It’s hopeless when you fail and world colapsed, when you find something else that wasnt suppose to be there.
But here’s the ground and there’s your feet
And never the two shall meet
If a complete stranger foiled my suicide on purpose like in the music video, I wonder how I’d feel. Something tells me it would be a perfect, contradictory concoction of fury and relief.
I always knew I never mattered. So what’s happening now shouldn’t be a surprise.
I had to get away from home. I couldn’t run away and it wasn’t the time to commit suicide just yet.
I hid in the cupboard. Its nearing my 6th hour in here and no one realised I was gone. They sat at the table for dinner without me and chatted and laughed, never noticing my absence. I guess it doesn’t matter.
My father (biological) told me today that he got married. Since last Friday. I didn’t even know he was engaged. I guess I didn’t matter enough for him to tell me.
Maybe he […]
so i mentioned in an earlier post today and i try not to post more than once a day. but i thought i was fine after i swerved off the road and spun the car and whatever but im not. im fine physically. but i had to go in a car for a half hour twice today and the first time i was just trying not to cry, and i thought it was because of all the terrible shit happening in my life recently and the fact that i was going to come back down on thursday and see the one person who i know […]
so my family is suppose to be going to a christmas concert today. yesterday when i was driving home some asshole swerved into my lane which made me swerve and lost control of the car and i ended up spinning out the car. i landed in the bushes and the most i have is like whiplash. then my aunt called my dad today and told him that my cousin committed suicide. i was never close to this cousin. the last time i saw him was like 2 years or so ago. he was in the military and was in iraq so everyone is just saying […]
The two sexiest men in the world exist as ghosts. We know they’re there, but they’re unreachable and untouchable, and only make themselves available to the most unworthy people at random, and then disappear back into the void where they can only be admired from a distance and torture the heart and soul of the one who would truly care.
——
In the end I’m always alone. Always forgotten. Not important. Never was enough to be more than a passing thought only because I dared to insert myself.
It’s been months since I’ve had a drink and more than a year since I got off of morphine, but I need something now. Something stronger than the half bottle of whiskey I’ve got in the garage.
Say what you will, but self medication works better than anything else I’ve tried.
I have an informant down in some unknown shanty town and she disclosed Depression’s exact location. Now I know where this dude called depression lives. My informant told me that he’s this creepy guy who works as a crypt caretaker at the local church.
Before trapping his victims late at night, he patronizes this one makeshift brothel in the town where my informant occasionally serves as a dominatrix. Now I am hatching a plan to kill this fucker and end him once and for all. He lives in some shack sequestered away in swampland somewhere at the fringes of this town. All I need is a […]
I saw one of my exs a little bit ago. At the bar we ust to work together at. He’s the one who punched me in the face one night. It doesn’t matter why he did. All these emotions came rushing back. Fuck. I’m overwhelmed. Depression settles again, it was a good past few hours. And it came to an end quickly once again. I want to go home.
Destruction from the inside out.
That’s how it goes.
Living in this fear and doubt
in depths no one knows.
All that’s left is void.
A calling left unheard.
A person to avoid.
A person called absurd.
I thought there might be someone
who could lend a helping hand?
But now I think I’ve realized no one
really ever can.
My soul is too far gone;
but too afraid to leave.
There is no such bond
that I cannot but grieve.
No point in living;
only of that sorrow brings.
No point in dying;
only of that hope still sings.
I would have but one regret;
a seeing things workout.
But I would be long set
in the cold hard ground cast out.
A watching from far and near
of […]
…the people here at my workplace. I really fucking don’t.
At the beginning of every month, we have a client who brings in their stuff for us to work on. I do half of it, and my co-worker J does the other half (all in the same program). We’re both qualified to do it all ourselves and it’s not like it takes that long to have just one of us do it all, but for some reason they still have it split between the both of us.
Anyway, I have been included into the mix of this client since the beginning of Spring this year (I’ve been […]
Im sitting in the back room at the bar I ust to work at. Waiting for my friend to have free time from the tables shes serving. My heart is racing in the pit of my stomach. I want to vomit. My head hurts. Im crying and I dont know what to do anymore. I need help.
This pulsating pain in my right shoulder, does it mean I’m awake? No… No, I’m obviously still dreaming. I know I should just keep dreaming but with all of the bs in the world, what’s the point? America’s considering voting for a stupid version of Hitler for President, a terrorist group thinks their plan makes sense when it really doesn’t and the world is one itchy, trigger finger away from World War 3! Hah, isn’t the human race wonderful! World peace will be achieved soon! “…And I thought my jokers were bad…” It’s a shame the answer is simple but humans are too fundamentally selfish […]
(Excuse the fact that I’ve probably repeated myself a lot, any typos and grammatical/punctuation errors — I’m very tired, team.)
“Same as usual?” The bartender scrubbed down another mug whilst gazing over at me.
“…you know it”, I replied, with weary eyes and short yet unruly hair.
“Looks like you’ve been at it again. I don’t s’pose you managed to get away unscathed this time, eh?” Placing the mug down, she slid across my glass before leaning on one arm, staring at me.
“Oh no, they got a decent hit in. Took a souvenir from my mouth, along with a couple other discrepancies”. I threw back […]
I leveled out some.. I do live with regret and memories. And I was really hard on myself.. I don’t know why it took so long. Maybe I just didn’t want to let go of the best thing that ever happened to me. I dont want to still… But, I thank you all!! On here for your help and support. I think of her less, I still feel sorry for myself. But everyone on here and out in the world was right. I’m thankful and sad.
Hey everybody : I know its been a while since I last posted I just thought I’d post this. I was in the shower earlier this morning when I realized That I haven’t self harmed myself in a little over two months. I noticed it when I was feeling my hip bones this morning and noticed one of my major scars healed almost completely. Though my appetite is still shitty ( due to finals coming up next week) . My mood has been getting better which is a good thing at least. 🙂
I need to tell my story.
I am in my 25th year. I have been a great performer all my life. I was always in the top 5 throughout my school. Topper of my college for three straight years during graduation. I stood at third place in the university during the final year of my graduation. I thought of being a person who would bring a change in this world. I thought of being someone of importance. And then I went for my post graduation. And then everything changed.
I could not understand programming. I was good in arts though. I would write poems, was an amateur […]
We all have a safe haven a place where we can be away and safe from all the agressions world throws at us.
Mine is my living room couch even in good days if go to bed whthout spending half an hour there ill have a hard time trying to sleep its the, for me only way to calm down at the end of the day laying there in the dark watching tv or listening classical music.
Where’s yours???
Fuck this life, man…
Fuck it all… Not even dope can help me heal now… It’s all clear, I’m not meant to live in this world, or any other for that matter…
I hate it when I have to wake up in the morning… Sleeping without any dreams is so peaceful… If death is like that, I want to die. There may be no turning back, but I don’t want to ever wake up again. All I want is to sleep. An eternal sleep, and nothing more. Is that too much to ask of this sadistic world? Perhaps it is…
Because of my new part-time job (as a […]