not that it matters, i cut my hair after having gone a few months without going skinhead like i usually do (only because my head itches with hair. dandruff shampoo has helped). it doesn’t matter for shit if i can look almost human in an occasional photo, because underneath it all, i was born female and naturally have female parts and so the rules are still in place – […]
As I see a brief moment of clarity, it is gone in a sigh. No trip to Vegas is enough to get me to reconsider. This past, present and future, I want to destroy it all. I’ve decided to play a game of chance with my life. It is simple, just drink until it’s all gone. I wonder what my cards will say now. Will my fate be overseen by the Sun, Moon, Magician, World, Tower or perhaps, even Death. So, as I down the poison for this game, I’m listening to “Aoki Tsuki Mochite” by AKIRA, the ending theme for the third season of […]
I lived with this disease for many years and have yet to achieve peace. I have been able to hide it from many people by pushing them away when it gets bad. I want to leave so badly to make it all end, but I don’t have it in me (yet) to leave my young son. I know my wife is planning on leaving me and due to my condition, she will get full custody. I am not really sure what to do. Part of me wants to pack a bag & head somewhere to make it all go away and the other part is […]
A so called ‘friend’ of mine found my blog. My blog where I have no one I know in real life on, and he called me out on it all. He called me out on things that werent what he thought, and told me to ‘stop posting about mental illnesses bc i dont have one’. Can we talk about how inconsiderate that is? Its worse now than when I last fell out with my friends and I dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to head downhill any further. I want help. Ive never said it before but I honestly want help bc […]
You could have it all, my empire of dirt,
I will let you down, I will make you hurt,
If I could start again, a million miles away,
I would keep myself, I would find a way.
The only way to love me is to never, ever know me.
If I only knew what to say, someone would actually listen.
If I only cared enough to try, someone would be here with me.
If I only fought harder, maybe I wouldn’t be this.
But everyone gives up eventually, and I guess I gave up a long time ago.
It’s too late for me now.
It’s time to become someone else.
And when I’ve […]
ALL i want to do is eat and die….right now. i want to eat and eat and i try to squash down the feelings and it never helps and i am just plain TIRED of it all. i am useless. 🙁
A few weeks ago, I was starting to get hope that I wouldn’t kill myself, that my future is still bright. Then suddenly, it all disappeared due to the pressure I get in trying to keep up in school. My suicide date is a few weeks away and I want to stop myself from killing myself, but the rest of myself is pretty convinced that I should end my life soon. I’m starting to avoid homework and other things altogether because one, I’m tired of school and that it drains the life out of me. I mean, who wouldn’t be tired when you wake up […]
I’m not thinking rationally right now…the thing about being bi polar is it all hits you so hard so fast and you cant get away from whatever emotion is running you over and all i want to do is breathe help me please im drowning in me… I want to die please tell me no please tell me no its buring a hole in me i dont want this anymore please please please
Well… I fucked up my first year of college, so I’m cleaning up the mess. I panicked and stopped going to class. Failed almost all of them due to lack of attendance. BUT. I start CNA classes soon. It’ll only take a couple of weeks, so I won’t have time to flip shit before it’s over and there’s no pressure to be so vastly intelligent. As long as I can take care of these people, I’m good. I know I can. I’ve been helping the CNAs that work in the same building as me for quite some time.
I feel so stupid most of the […]
My mind isn’t always the happiest of places, even when I try to stay positive. I literally spend my days skipping around, humming happy songs, telling people “everything is great!” telling people to stay strong.
By the time everyone is in bed though, I feel rather hypocritical.
My mind barely lets me rest, it reminds me of everything happening; everything that has happened in the past. Even with all the time that has passed, things still get to me. They’re like little demons just trying to tear me apart from the inside out.
I think of what my cousin did, and have to get up and take an […]
Codeine, Bedhead, Bluetile Lounge and other slowcore bands, you all speak my mind so completely. As to escape, it’s impossible. So I wander through school and through life, dealing with it all with drugs, self-harm and music. My solaces are few and far, and do not consist of anything living.
Anti-social yet lonely.
That is me, the freak in the corner, screaming for release. Yearning to leave, but knowing it’s futile.
Sorry for writing again.
I just gotta know when will the tears stop running down my face whenever i am alone.
I just gotta know when will i finally find peace
I just gotta know when will i accept that things…for me will never get better
I just gotta know when will i get the same love i give out
I just gotta know when does mg pain end
I just gotta know how many times i am have to get on my knees begging for your help
I just gotta know how many pills should i take the next time
I just gotta […]
i want to yell scream at the top of my lungs let them know how im really doing give them a chance to save me a chance to reach out and offer another option just one reason to stay a chance to show me someone out there still cares but i cant find the words dont know how to get it all off my mind without seeming like im just fishing for attention but maybe i need a little attention maybe i need the people in my life to let me know i still matter
Mistakes. Lots of them. Year after year, I’ve made progressively shittier choices. I’ve spent the majority of my life acting and thinking in really dumb ways. I allowed myself to become fixated on what was beyond my reach, rather than appreciating the actual possibilities right in front of me. I was so consumed by what I wasn’t that I wasted what I could have been.
Of course, there were reasons for all of it. I didn’t understand then what I know now. If circumstances had been even slightly different, it all might have turned out another way. I might have lived a worthwhile life.
The choices, the […]
It’s so hard for me to stay strong. I’ve been struggling with my depression for 5 years now. But last week, my friend killed herself, and now I feel like it’s okay for me to do it as well. It really triggered me. I go onto her facebook page multiple times a day and read all of the messages people have sent her. It’s like once you’re dead, people start caring about you. Right now I’m torn between wanting to die and wanting to live. For the past few days I’ve been doing some research about train suicides and suicide by hanging. I found out […]
how does one ask for help? how do i tell the people that love me that theyre killing me? all i want to do is scream for help but my mouth is sewed shut with embarrassment. other people have problems to, why burden them with mine? keeping it all in is whats been letting me survive but now i feel like im going to explode. saying that i want to die is an understatement.
Oh, sure, I can exercise, take care of myself, meditate, eat good food, pursue some hobbies. Looks like my husband is leaving me, despite all the care I gave him. My one flaw of bad temper has him almost hating me now as he rewrites our past. It’s hard to deal with. Okay, the another flaw I see is I was the rescuer, thereby allowing him to be the victim, until he decided I’m the persecutor, because he doesn’t need me (to be the rescuer) anymore. The drama triangle is SO clear to me in hindsight. We’ll be separating for three months soon, and I’ll […]
Okay so here’s the thing, those of you who have read my posts before know that I’m against what mankind is making out of our earth and all the new machinery/technology that is being created. I’m a tree huggin-ground loving hippie, if you will. But, the more I’m in the city the more my hatred grows. The more I wish for some miracle to happen where it breaks down and destroys every bridge, building, house, tower anything. I don’t even want to walk outside my door anymore. Fuck I miss the country so bad you have no idea. (Random thing kinda) As I was laying […]
So much has happened since the last time I posted. I haven’t been able to actually log in and write about it, but I thought, “I have to keep on writing and just let it all out, before this pot is ready to explode and suicide becomes the next and only option available.”
I mean suicide is always an option that tries to crawl out of the darkest depths of my mind and there are times that I just let it. I let it consume me and my thoughts because that’s easier than having to deal with reality. But then there are times that I’m just […]
What a funny night. An ex of mine is the gayest guy who doesn’t know he’s gay. He dumped me for this girl who has facial hair and a unibrow, married her and they started having kids right away. He talks and acts like you would swear he is gay. His profile picture is a gay pride flag. Oh god, haha, some day he will realize he’s gay. And the dudes who were in line with me and my dream guy that e day I met him are a couple?!? Wow! My dream guy gave them tattoos and the dudes stiffed him for payment. But […]
Please log in to report posts