I have everything in my life yet there is a great sadness in my heart. I just feel so hopeless and sad. And the worst thing is I have no idea why I feel so worthless and so tired of living. Everyday, I wish to die but I am afraid to try to do it on my own because I am scared about what will happen if i fail in my attempt. Everyday I wake up, I feel sad that I am still alive. I am an atheist. So, I don’t think some magic will happen and I shall be me again. I am lost. […]
Why me? Why do I have to be that one person who is the friend that could go missing and NOBODY would notice or care? Why is my bestfriend so much better than me? Why do I have to be ugly? Why do I have to be FAT? I workout so much, for no results. Why don’t I have any good qualities???
WHY?
I’ve been giving up on everything. First it was a few missing homework assignments, then classes, now tests. I’m also slowly giving up on my hobbies and sports, too. What have I become to be? I cut myself, and starve myself, and now I’m giving up.
This is the shortest post I have made, but every time I read it, I cry every time.
Hello. I’m just not feeling it. I have a few more weeks left to go. No energy to get the stuff done though. I’m starting to get spastic. I have a feeling something is suppose to be happening now, but I just don’t know what it is. Like something is missing. My head is starting to feel a bit compressed. I feel like I need to be somewhere, I just don’t know where. Everything is out of place and it is starting to get annoying. I’m not too sure. It’s like I’m not suppose to be here. Well thank you for listening.
She kisses like cough syrup when I have a cold.
but we’re not in love, we’re just alone.
Like a drug company’s overdose.
Trying to replace our heads with holes.
We’re missing days and spending weeks.
Only passing through looking for company.
And semen released is a rotting stomach.
Like a body drained of blood.
My flaw. Our failure.
I’ve seen a bunch of therapists in the 14 years since I was first diagnosed with depression. None of them have been particularly effective. I guess that’s not surprising, given that I tend to use negative thoughts as a mechanism to avoid situations that are scary or tend to result in emotional pain. A therapist can give me a technique to challenge my thoughts or a behavior to lessen the power of those thoughts, but I’ve rarely tried any of them because I don’t actually want to challenge my thoughts. If I do, I know I will be likely to drag myself right back out […]
Well , today’s not the day, though I wish it was.
Everything is pretty fucked.
A decent size hunk of flesh is missing from my foot. Not sure where it went. Or how/why? But now it’s a big open wound.
Maybe I should just let it get infected and kill me.
After yesterday, being directly rushed to the E.R. by ambulance for suicidal thoughts, knowing how my family treated me (please read “No Emergency”) when they said I was over exaggerating, when my mom complained saying she could’ve bought shoes instead of paying for parking at the hospital, when my father complained about missing work, where my sister told me I was making things up,
Fuck I don’t even remember the point to this post.
Urgh I’m wasting everyones time.
But I feel I have to let this out.
I have no one.
I feel alone, depressed, unloved, and empty. I can’t get over losing my baby, dropping out of school, and missing the douchebag of the father. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I’m feeling suicidal and I’m scared I’ll try tonight. I just want to talk to somebody.
Is it possible to have nostalgia for things you’ve never had or experienced? It’s like, maybe watching television and reading books isn’t such a great idea, because I see their lives, and I want them. Not all the drama, but the freedom, I guess. The friendships. The honesty. I wish I had those things growing up. And I look back on my life so far, and I feel like I’m missing my younger years. Then I remember what shit my younger years were, and I realize I’m missing what I missed. I’m missing the things that other people have. Maybe that’s more like envy, but […]
Finally found reasons to die…but not even one to keep staying alive.
This is such a f-cked up world.
In this page, I feel real freedom swirling around me. I can express whatever I want to say, and I know that I just often post or log in, like to be honest this is my second post since I joined last month. (It’s not as if I’m the only one). But oh well, doesn’t matter. Just found a reason to be online everyday. I’d probably be too noisy here than in the outside world, but who cares…nobody, of course.
I’ve had enough of everything. Literally, everything.
When I go […]
Sometimes it feels like I’m coping, maybe even okay.
Then I’m back to anxious and sad and missing my ex so much my chest hurts. I want her to be missing me. She probably is, but it doesn’t feel like it. At one point she’d said she was planning to contact me a few months after the breakup, because she missed me so much and still wanted me in her life. I think all that’s over. She wasn’t planning to leave the state then. Now she has. Maybe she’ll come back, but…
I feel like she’s done with me.
I feel like I’m the one who has lost […]
I got my dog back.
At least I think so. My ex just dropped her off at my parents’ house, barely saying anything to my mom. I assume this means she’s my dog again, because coming back to get her as if I were just babysitting- that would be so cruel and I don’t believe my ex could ever be cruel.
I’m thrilled to have her back, but confused to how I got her. It shouldn’t matter- I can’t get my ex to want to be with me again, so it shouldn’t matter what she thinks of me, right? Except maybe in terms of friendship, but that’s at […]
It’s like periodic anxiety attacks where my chest aches every time the shock of her absence, the pain of missing our life together, hits me.
I may feel less depressed because of the TMS (or possibly the the treatment for PCOS), but I still feel useless. Classes start this week and I don’t think I know how to be human again yet.
This may be my last post, for a while. Contemplating some things right now, trying to solve my life’s puzzle yet again. I’m missing a piece and it bothers me. Anyways, bye everyone (for now)
-glockamole
Cold and blue
Body bags
Filled
Drowned, frozen, dead
Red/blue lights flash
Tears fall from my lidded eyes
Down, down
Hitting you with a splash
I hold you close for the last time
You’re ripped away
Down to the morgue
Empty
Without
I’ll try
I know it won’t work
Soon I’ll be with you
Passing on
I’m missing
My uncle killed himself last week. Drove out into the woods about 10 miles from his house and parked at the end of an old logging road. Tied his belt to his seat and hung himself. He had been missing for a few days before they found him. I wasn’t super close to him. I feel nothing. I want to hate myself for not feeling bad but it is hard to when I feel nothing. It’s hard to judge or hate when I have been considering the same thing for a while. How long did he think about it? What finally pushed him to do […]
I’ve been working for 6 hours . And my feet are killing me. But I feel like work is the only thing that occupies my mind .
I don’t think about anything else when I’m working . But I feel like I work so much, I don’t enjoy life . It’s a one one situation. Either work and hate life and not have any enjoyment, or don’t work and sit at home in my bed and sulk . They both kind of suck. I also feel a lot sympathy for people who work for a shitty ass amount of money and try to live off […]
Not wanting to do something because it has never panned out positively
Yet risking the chance of a missing a positive outcome by not doing it
i am tired, i am torn
I’m a bit slow, if I may from my impartial
I’ll keep my work for tomorrow
Let me enjoy the life
What is it from the outside effecting one’s chromosome
Growing to become the master of my ability in my disparity
Putting everything that I say, I’m sorry
I’m a bit slow, if I may from my impartial
The only from the echo missing to the beat of a drum
Growing to become the master of ability from my disparity
Everyone is like a valiant knight
And what about for this one
What happened to the true, cross, by the side
And now, to the now
Like I lost so long ago
Back to the, equitable
Convening, there is only […]
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