Im sitting in the back room at the bar I ust to work at. Waiting for my friend to have free time from the tables shes serving. My heart is racing in the pit of my stomach. I want to vomit. My head hurts. Im crying and I dont know what to do anymore. I need help.
Tag:
my head
Hi.
Like many others here I have suicidal thoughts but I am not depressed. I don’t think they have to go hand in hand. Even though, I have experienced depression about 5 years ago severly and on -off 3 years at least after that. But now it is as if I don’t remember it anymore.
I feel numb. This spring 2015 I experienced psychosis during which I burned my life to the ground. (Figuratively). I quit university, threw away everything I had, lost friends and over all sense of direction. I did some more crazy stuff and ended up in a […]
I thought about writing a poem examining the similarities of dancing and typing (writing). However, it’s impossible to wring out a dried sponge. Hahahehehoha… Anyone up for scrambled eggs? I’m sure my brain is just as scrambled and just as tasteless. It sucks living in both the past and the present. A world of reality and fantasy every single day… Every goddamn second! Even as I type, the responses are being predicted or would it be lack of? I’m not sure I even care, maybe I’m just trying to prevent myself from banging my head into the wall over and over… My head hurts and […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I’m wearing my mood likea weight around my neck.
Everyday it gets harder and harder to lift my head.
I keep trying to do the right thing for everyone involved in my life,
But everyday the pull to stay in bed gets stronger.
I wish there were words to cure my disease,
But instead it just festers inside me, slowly taking me over.
Time between breaths has become far too difficult.
I can hear my number, it’s being called.
in so tired and depressed, last night I told my husband I hate my kids. I do love them but I’m so depressed and not coping with the sleep deprivation from the babies. All last night I cried and cried all I was thinking about is walking to the train tracks and ending it!
I have a black cloud hanging over me and I feel guilty as I have 4 beautiful kids who need me. My heart is breaking and my head is all over the place
For those of you who don’t know me – Hi, I’m dawg. As I do from time to time I pop in and out of the SP world – for no particular reason other than I try to keep up with the many many great people who I’ve met with here in the SP world … again, for those of you who don’t know me, I’m old … much older than most who participate here – I point this out because I have a hard time remembering all the names, so I’m not going to list the multitude of names I’ve met here – but […]
Despite nearly trying to end my own life again last week (without even posting on here, I might add, my head was a little too swimmy to form sentences) I feel strangely alive today.
Maybe it’s just because I finally mustered up the willpower to wash my hair for the first time in two weeks, because I am a disgusting human being. I just found it difficult to do much, so I didn’t wash my hair. But I did it today, and I feel strangely good. More like a person now, rather than something that lay there doing nothing.
Maybe it’s just because I’m not […]
Its 3 am here. I can’t sleep. I want to die. I want my wrist to be cut open, my head to burst. Everything feels so heavy.
I am 21. Everyone around me have an idea of how their future will be. I don’t. I don’t see much farther. I see my suicide. And then its all black. People Plan for their future, I plan for my suicide.
There are no solutions to my problems. Suicide is actually the best way out. All I need to do now is plan my suicide.
I want my suicide note to be perfect. No loose ends. I want everyone to […]
Been trying to end it. all night. By using a scarf tied tightly around my neck and trying to sleep or just laying in bed, To suffocate, go unconscious, then finally death. Does anyone think this will work eventually? If I can make it tight enough. I can feel all the blood rushing to my head and it gets hard to breath, but I somehow get thru it. Any other simple ways to suffocate self to death. So desperate for an answer need to die tonight
you run , you love,
you could you wont,
you stay, you feel,
you should, you wont
You wont be allowed to being attached to someone without pain.
You wont be allowed to get what you want without hurt someone.
there are friends outhere , waitting for you
and most of the time they love you more than you will love them .
This time…
theres is no one waiting for me, no one who could love me more than I do,
I need to talk , to do something, to get out of my head all those “friendly” people who doesn’t love me back!
Damn it im such […]
I have had a horrible day. I’m laying in bed with my method beside me. Today a guy sent me a message asking for nudes. When I wouldn’t send I was sent a message saying “alright fatty, whatever you need Jesus”. People are so cruel and I can barley keep my head above water on a good day and on a bad day I want it to end and tonight I am trying to list every reason I shouldn’t end it. I will never just be a good enough person for anyone.
It’s like a horrible nightmare I can never seem to wake up from. It haunts me, and just when I think its gone, it comes creeping back. I run, and run, but it always catches me. No distance or time is long enough. It’s become a part of me. A cluster fuck of emotions I can’t even being to sort through. It’s almost cruel the way my mind works. It keeps me up at all hours and taunts me till I’m banging my head against the walls, or better yet, till I have that scissors, knife, or razor blade pressed sharply against my skin. I […]
It’s so hard for me to stay strong. I’ve been struggling with my depression for 5 years now. But last week, my friend killed herself, and now I feel like it’s okay for me to do it as well. It really triggered me. I go onto her facebook page multiple times a day and read all of the messages people have sent her. It’s like once you’re dead, people start caring about you. Right now I’m torn between wanting to die and wanting to live. For the past few days I’ve been doing some research about train suicides and suicide by hanging. I found out […]
Sometimes it’s gets too much. The little things.
all these thoughts, they are restricted to my head alone for they are too intense to share with my friends. Or anyone for that matter.
I wish I could achieve the peace of death without actually dying.
id like to just ‘go away’ and watch people’s lives go on without me. See their behavior and how fast I’m forgotten.
I almost did it…. I tied a rope around the door and put my head through the loop…. As I stood there, standing on a stool, all I kept thinking about was my 4 month old son…. I started so feel so fucking guilty… If I do this… Will he have a fucked up life? Will his father give him up, neglect him… Would he think that this was his fault and that I didn’t love him…. I just can’t. I climbed down off the stool and thought to myself.. What the fuck r u doing. Ur such a weak *****!
I’m axious about life in general. Not in a bad way so much as, I never in a million years thought I would live this long! I grew up thinking I’d be dead by 20. I had a kid that I gave up in a private adoption at that point. Tomorrow is her 17th burthday. One more year and it’s legal to have contact, that is, if we find each other. I never thought I’d be alive when she turns 18. Which means I have to survive another year. I can’t believe I’m still alive on this day to see her 17th birthday arrive. She […]
You know what, I really liked you, love. You were smart, funny, shy, passionate- you were everything I was/am looking for. And yet, apparently, I am not good enough for you. Why, you ask? Apparently, my 4.0 slipping to a 3.5 (the lowest GPA I have ever held, btw) isn’t good enough for you, even though I considered blowing my brains out on multiple occasions (And I even had the glock pointed to my head you ass-face), even though I cut my legs to ribbons for years, even though I was crippled under multiple mental illnesses and an incredibly well-developed sense of self-loathing (and two […]
I have failed to get control of my thoughts. It’s so hard for me to think good thoughts. Anything positive that comes to my head is thwarted and all I see is gloom and doom. Immobilizing existential crises and depression are steadily eating away at me. Advice gives me an anxiety attack. I always have a toxic serum tucked away under my pillow. My friend won’t talk to me anymore because she thinks I am irredeemable and I guess depression is contagious. I feel so guilty and worthless because she beat her depression and I am still stuck in this rut. I guess I can […]
Hello everyone! I’m a newbie to this website, and I figured I should post a little something about me- so here goes nothing. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was in seventh grade. Ever since I was small, I has hyperaware of everything around me, spooking at the drop of a hat. This really fried my nerves, and I became even more introverted than I already was. I was also very ill as a child. I was constantly sick to my stomach, my limbs constantly trembled, exhaustion clouded my every turn, and I was an insomniac. My parents knew little to nothing […]