In the midst of …crisis? drama? melt down…I don’t konw whwat. I just think that i’m not doing well. I am thinking about checking into a hopsital. But I’m so scared. I have ajob….what happens when you do that and you are suppose to wokr the nxt day? Will everyone find out? I don’t even want my boss to know. I kind of want to go in the hospital and never come out or just quit my job. I don’t wnat to give up but I dodn’t feel I have the brain for this job…which is to say I don’t have a brain for much […]
Well last night was defiantly an interesting one. But now I’m left with a difficult task. I could tell something was up with my boyfriend with the way he would hardly talk . I knew something was bugging him but what he told me I was not expecting to hear at all. for about the past two years me and my bf have been together everyone was really happy about it except for one person. My little sister she pretty much hates him and it hurts me cause most of the time I have to play referee when they are near each other. Hes been […]
Everybody else tells me they’re depressed because they feel as if nobody would care if they died or not, they think they are worthless and they hate every fiber of their being, they feel as if there’s no potential in their life, and something has sparked their depression such as someone fucking with their life and such, but for me… I’m different. I mean, I’m an athiest so I believe that there’s nothing after death, no pain, no enjoyment, just eternal peace. I believe this because our consciousness is from blood getting to our nervous system and brain, so everything around us is, well, life […]
So recently I met someone. were officially dating and well its nice. He calms me and keeps me grounded, but i still feel like I’m going to drown, part of me feels as if i have to go, as if even if things get better, my mind and soul has chosen, and that my year is almost up. I haven’t shared with him my plans to go, i doubt i ever will. I hate how everyone thinks that he has managed to fix me already, i seriously don’t see how you can fix me. You cant fix monsters.
anyway, here’s a short story since i haven’t […]
Getting my weapon soon. I’m excited and nervous. It will be there just in case. I’m waiting to see this through. I want to feel better still. I’m getting there. If I can’t improve…. it is coming together.
I haven’t been here in about a week…mainly because I was feeling pretty good. A good level place. Today I was running on pure hyped up energy. Haven’t been eating all to well…and today I feel…too good. Does that make sense? Have you ever felt that way? I seriously feel like I’m climbing up a really tall tree right now. I keep looking down and seeing how far I’ve gone but keep going higher. I have the shakes. Nervous laughter keeps bubbling up my throat. I’m home alone and find myself moving from room to room because sitting in one place doesn’t feel good….even though […]
So I finally did it… I finally somehow gathered the courage after almost 10 yrs of torture to make a dr appointment and attempt to somehow see if I’m “fixable”… I’m so afraid. I’m not sure if I have the courage to keep the appointment. My brain keeps spinning telling me thinks like “you’re not worth the help.” “You’re too far gone for anyone to save you” “you don’t deserve to be fixed” .. Then it’s like “maybe you should just say fuck it and try” so I think well maybe I should.. Then I think well maybe if I just answer their questions to […]
I’ve been having these dreams for awhile now. I’ll be in a certain time period of my life. Last night I had a dream that I was in the year 2004 again. Everything was so vivid. I was able to see my 8-year-old self. How full of life she was, how innocent she was, how much she admired her father, and loved her grandmother, how annoyed she would be by her sister, even then. My dream became lucid halfway through, and I ran into this bathroom. I tried looking at myself in the mirror but I couldn’t see my reflection, I tried to wash my […]
OK I GIVE. Everyone jumped on me about my dog, so I will stay alive until she dies. Should only be a few more years. I can’t stand the thought of someone else having her.
Feeling overwhelmed, meds are working perhaps but not really. I don’t believe in meds, I’ll take em so i feel like I’m doing something but moving has helped. I’m in my own place now. nervous at the cost, nervous at the waste of space that it is to be in a one bedroom or for me to exist. Anxious that i will fail, always on the verge, always begging for death to pre-empt that so that folks can smile and admire how hard i worked and not how hard i fell. Nerves getting the best of me. I can’t focus, don’t want to focus. I’m […]
Well. Those 3 days I spoke about prior are up. The stage is set. I’ve never been so goddamn fucking nervous in my life. Should I back out last minute or fail, you have my word I will be back tomorrow to explain what went wrong. Gotta be strong, determined. This is what I want.
goodluck and godspeed
Frank
ever have a day at work thinking that swallowing a bottle of pills would be a good afternoon snack? i don’t know what is going on with me . i want to be alone but yet being home alone is making me nervous these days. the thoughts are racing. and trying to get me to talk is like pulling teeth. i keep thinking i see something in my peripheral vision. add that to some new stressors in my life and its time to play will i or won’t i again. hey maybe i am just coming unglued. time to go back to my cell.
Everything is getting so messed up. I’m just…. I feel unwell and sick and nervous and unsettled and unhappy and I can’t call anyone because no one is answering their phone and I feel lonely and I don’t feel good. :'(
I just said I could work an extra night next week, but on those nights I see my psychologist and I don’t like it when things don’t go in routine. My little girl side of me doesn’t like it and it’s upsetting. I usually get my mum to console me or make my decision for me she’s not answering her phones. She tells me “Call […]
Title says it all.
I get so damn nervous sometimes when I’m around people
and even when I’m not, I’m constantly waiting and thinking about just being alone, just getting through the socializing, so I can have time to myself.
well right now I won’t have time to myself at all for a couple of days
and it’s freaking me out
Well.. I’m less than 20 days from being 18. I have had social anxiety for most of life, at least from when I was ~4. I have had countless episodes of it, whether they are a friend of mine or not, I will get nervous. I had to take medicine to walk the stage without panicking, as well as with my speeches this year. I am on medicine and I think it’s where I got the depression for the most part. I was told I have depression symptoms but since taking the medicine the thoughts of suicide has gone in more depth. I have now […]
You know the time right after a really heavy rainstorm? When it’s quiet and peaceful and all of the ugliness is over – Honestly, I’ve always been a little afraid of heavy rainstorms, especially when there’s lightening and thunder. But I love when it’s over – I like to stand outside and smell the fresh air, and breathe a sigh of relief – not nervous anymore. I’m hoping that’s what we’ve finally come to – the end of the thunderstorm. I don’t want to be nervous anymore. It has been what I have dubbed “the winter of our discontent” – a seemingly endless series of […]
This might be a rather long introduction, but I think it’s necessary.
I’ve been thinking of ending it all rather frequently for the past few days. I guess it all started when I started going to college. I originally chose to major in Biology, but changed it at the last minute to medical laboratory science. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Being in college, I was a rather normal guy. I got a girlfriend and had a bit of fun (being hormone-addled, young and all). That’s when I got my first suicidal thought. We were both afraid she got pregnant. I thought about […]
How am I?
Funny how no one really asks you that question because they assume that you are fine when in reality you are breaking and crumbling every day and no one notices.
Weird how the fact that, that I’m the first person to ask How I am in some time.
How am I?
Broken.
Shattered.
In pain.
I get more nervous now so I bite my lip, but sometimes it makes it bleed.
I lick my lips a lot more too to try and calm myself down, but sometimes it doesn’t work.
I breathe faster now trying to control my anxiousness around triggers.
Normally […]
So….I have never really added my own post, so I am a bit nervous about the response…thus bare with me! I am currently off to work…another morning and day of survival! Over the past 10-12 years I have been struggling and suffering with depression, borderline and suicidality. I have been in intensive therapy programs and have a therapist who is amazing, yet I have been still feeling a bit off and at times hopeless. Everyone is so supportive on this blog and it’d be great to meet or chat with someone living in the same area of Massachusetts, who has been struggling with the same […]
“When I walk into a room, even filled with people who hate me, I feel like I’m cumming. Not the orgasm, but the satisfaction that comes with it. That’s how I want to help pothers feel, because it allows you to be unbreakable. And as much as you may think you’re already there, you’re not.”
“And as much as you may think you’re already there, you’re not.”
I’m sorry if I put out the vibe that I think I’m superior or that I get off on […]