I am looking for a place I cannot be found
The trouble is I cannot find that place myself
I hear all the voices telling me it will be okay
It never is okay there is only one way
That peaceful place is eternal sleep
Why can I not have one one wish
Just leave me alone and let me rot
Give me peace please I beg you
You are always there in my mind
Can you not just stop and leave me
You cause me pain all day and night
Tag:
night
I haven’t been doing OK,
but I have been feeling, “OK”.
And I wonder why. Yes, I am still suicidal, crying all night and day, cutting everyday.
But, during the days and nights, I haven’t been feeling, “numb.”
I have been “OK”. I haven’t felt a deep dark pit swelling inside of me. I think I realized how fine I was recently after reading posts here about how some people are very sad at the moment.
So whats the change? Why am I OK?
I’m not sure. However, I do notice my happiness comes from wondering about suicide.
As some may know, in a  month I plan to end it all. And […]
Anyone else being targeted with directed ” projected ” audio that has given them mental disorders and psychological damage ? Everyday , even at night while I am trying to sleep I am mentally tortured with this technology. I wonder how many people have lost their sanity, freedom or life from their mental health being attacked like this. Watching those TV shows about ghosts makes me curious as to howe many of those people have been victims of these crimes. ( that violate international treaties ) .
This horrible , inhumane targeting of a human beings rights are being done with malice and intent. No way […]
It was one of these surreal sleeps I have. I am dreaming but in my dream it’s like I am awake. I can’t move or talk. Â I almost wonder if I had a seizure. Â I eventually wake up really out of it and it takes a while for me to get back to sleep. There are always some sort of vibrations, this time it was violent chills in my arms. I guess I would call it a vivid dream. I have probably had 4 or 5 of these that I actually remember. All within the past 20 years. They always scare me. Mainly because I […]
Sometimes I just stare at my wrists when I get like this and wonder what it would be like to plunge a knife through my artery and veins. When the pain eats away at me and crying doesn’t even help. Crying used to help. I felt ashamed the other night when I just cried myself to sleep and woke up and realized that I didn’t take my dog out, that I left my kitchen a mess, that I slept in my clothes. I never do that. I have never cried myself to sleep either.
I know that sometimes life is rough, and you feel that you can’t make it through the night or through the day. Some of us feel it necessary to drink or do drugs just to make it through. But I just want you to know that everyone is special, and that even though life doesn’t seem worth living, it’s best to keep going. There may be a nice surprise around the corner, and it’s just for you. I can’t tell you what it is, I don’t know what lies ahead, I don’t know if it’ll get worse before it gets better. But I know that […]
In my final breaths:
I’ll exhale my sins,
and the promises I broke.
I won’t inhale them back in.
I’m sorry
I used to call you papa,
and you’d guide me to school
so that I could read on the way.
You taught me to swim
by throwing me into the deep end
and I kicked and fought until I could.
You taught me to live
by throwing me into the deep end
but this time, I let myself drown.
I’m sorry,
that you see her in my eyes
that you hear her when I cry,
and for shoving you that one time,
but you told […]
So last night before I went to bed I took 12 Panadol tablets and 10 nurofen. This morning I took 10 more nurofen and 2 more panadol.
I just got home from school and not much has happened other than my usual depression + a headache. I was wondering if there is any likely symptoms at this point.
The other day I took 10 panadol and nothing happened either. Along with taking 14 paracetamol a couple weeks ago.
I was wondering how many it takes to affect me in some way other than a headache? Or should I use something else?
I keep dreaming about the child I lost and about his father that mistreated me every night. I can’t sleep (because even thou I am asleep, I can’t rest), I wake up with tears in my eyes. I feel tired and emotionally exhausted, and being awake makes me feel miserable so I try to sleep as much as I can. I really feel like giving up and I wish I could close my eyes and not wake up.
So yesterday was the most stress full day ever wondering or not is going to drag me out of my husband grandparents house so go news he didn’t.so that leaves me with scary unsurance what is going to happen and I don’t know.
so what kind end of happenig was my husband and I I end up watching a documentary about 11 which means anxious depressedso when the movie ended.he took of the computer awayw and he kept on asking me what was wrong physically wouldn’t answer like a really with all my strength not. Able open my mouth and tell […]
Last night I had two films I edited screen to a sold out audience of thousands and receive huge accolades. At the after party there was no shortage of people congratulating me and showering me with praise for my work. It was very fulfilling.
And yet, that night when I went to bed and the first thing I thought of in the morning was “I want to die.”
I can’t live like this anymore. It’s exhausting beyond belief and there really is no joy to be had. I swear, I only really got through the after party because of all the drinks I had. In fact, this […]
Thought tonight was the night.
So I decided to take off my post of shouting, I said thing I shouldn’t have said. Sorry about it, was too aggressive.
But I am rescuing Rocketman’s list of Confucius sayings 🙂 for the posterity. Do enjoy it.
Thanks to Alan and to Rocketman for you support today.
the idea as you know is to make fun of a very wise man Confucius! hey when he started making all these sayings he must of known he would also be a target for silliness!  you don’t have to read them all but here are a few.
Confucius Jokes That […]
To feel the weight in my hand, the cold of its steel against my lips, playing with the trigger, but never quite enough to pull.
It’s laying here in bed with me, I’ve been laying in bed most all day, I lay in bed most all days, till eventually get up, maybe buy a burrito or go for a run.
I think about her, and how her brother used the gun, how her father used the gun, how my father used the gun.
Too many guns.
I think of all the other hers, the ones that almost were, the most recent hers, but still it […]
Do I remember everything from that night?
It scares me to think I don’t
What if more had happened?
It’s all just a blur
I lied about where he had his hand
It wasn’t on my hip…
But what if it went lower?
What if I don’t remember?
I was upset
 I made a mistake
He offered me alcohol
And I got drunk
He was in his thirties
I was fifteen
And I don’t remember
All he did
C.K.
Failed with short drop/hanging. I think I nearly succeed after several attempts.
I lost conscious for maybe a few minutes (cannot remember what exactly happened) until I started to feel very uncomfortable (choking perhaps). I also had a feeling that I was self-rotating at a high speed. Then I suddenly remembered I can loosen the knot. Someone knocked on my bedroom door which is locked and turned out it was my sister who woke up because of the noise I made. I was unable to think that I quickly hid the rope and told her I was fine. My face went pale when I looked at […]
This is “Splendid Isolation” by Warren Zevon.
He did a lot of stuff that was rough and bittersweet at the same time. This is probably my favorite.
He died in 2003 of lung cancer.
There was a night when he was on the Letterman show, knowing he had terminal cancer…
Zevon’s advice was “Enjoy every sandwich.”
.
Here are the lyrics to that song.
I especially like the part about putting tinfoil up on the windows and lying in the dark to dream.
.
I want to live alone in the desert
I want to be like Georgia O’Keefe
I want to live on the Upper East Side
[…]
Protected: Today, and all last night, D wouldn’t shut up about my guts, and about how much he wants to wrench them from my abdominal cavity.
written by whiskered-fish
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.