In case any of you were wondering how the other doctor appointment went Thursday…
I have an MRI of my skull scheduled for March 31st.
They’re doing two of them: “with and without contrast”. This means that for the second one, they’re going to inject dye into me so everything in my head lights up like a tacky Las Vegas strip.
I’ve had plenty of MRI’s in my life, but none with dye.
Best case scenario is that it’s a benign mass which isn’t growing.
Or, better yet, that […]
I just broke the heart of the sweetest girl in the world. I tried my best to love her, to give her everything she deserved. I couldn’t do it. Maybe outwardly I did, but inside it just wasn’t there. I loved her, I just wasn’t in love with her. I don’t know why. Smart, beautiful, kind, funny; she has it all.
I didn’t think it would feel so empty after I did something that I wanted. But watching her break in front of me was right up there with the most difficult and painful things I have ever done. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me, for […]
I’m not feeling too great right now. I’m so lonely it hurts. I’m about to head to the gym, maybe I can work some of this off. I’m so tired of life…. I hate it. I hate it so much.
Just having one of them days what’s the point ? What’s the purpose for being here what is the meaning of life the only thing promised is death right
I watch this film called wrist cutters the other night it’s about a guy who commits suicide but going to a place the same as earth but he’s just in a worster off depressed working a dead beat job searching for he lover etc
I believe that we have lessions to learn in this life and they keep repeating them self till we learn them but how can we learn something if we don’t know what it is […]
I can’t sleep once again. It’s been like this for a while. I just can’t seem to fall asleep. Staying asleep has just started to become a struggle. There is so much negativity in my life right and and all I’m able to do is sit here and watch. Rocketman, you are my official SP buddy. I’d like to speak with you, I found myself needing to come back here once again.
So, I just got back from a trip. Had a good time, plenty of laughs, discussed future goals, dreams and what not. Ate good food, spend time with her. Made new things, punched other things, they remade said punched things.
Good times right?
right…
I mean, that is what they should be right…
good… times…
…
And then as if of nowhere it just happens…
… you know what it is…
That happens…
And you keep telling yourself that you got this, that this is not going to get you…
That you are bigger than it.
But are you?
Are you really?
Can you stand in front of it, and say it?
And then it happens again.
Like always..
As if […]
Hi everyone,
I used to visit this site frequently years ago, but I was content to just read everyone’s struggles and think of them and relate… but since then just reading has become insufficient.
But I don’t want to tell my life story or make a long post, because I talk too much lately and I also just took my sleeping pill, so I would like to end this post coherently hahaha.
I’ll just say that I’ve been depressed since I was a child, and I noticed how different I was from everyone else, and after being abused and molested by 3 separate “friends,” at three separate points in my […]
Can’t even describe how I feel right now. It’s so new. Not sad or angry or scared or hopeful. At peace? I don’t know. Maybe it just hasn’t really hit me yet that I’ve decided to do it. The reality of being dead. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or if I should try to reason with it. Feeling detached would definitely make it easier. But is my fear just laying dormant for now?
I want to die and the urge is so unbearably strong. Right now, I don’t know whether to leave a note, I have no idea what to write and I’m thinking whether it’s okay to just leave the world without a note. I don’t want people who care (if any) to hurt anymore than they should trying to cope with the loss.
I really do hate reality iv always tried to avoid it by all means by smoking weed drinking or eating the only thing that seems to work right now is eating or self harming the SH sort of brings me back to reality for a short wile then I float off again dose anyone know if depersonalisation comes under borderline personality disorder ?
I’m sick of being alone. I have no one who I can trust. No one understands what’s going happening. They don’t understand the Angels. They don’t understand that they need me. I need to see my doctor. I need him to tell me what to do. I’m alone and I’m scared.
I don’t even know why I’m writing on here. I suppose it’s to distract myself. Maybe. I’ve been left alone downstairs. The figures keep moving in the doorway, and it’s annoying me. I’m was trying to distract myself with a film – but they’re distracting me from the film.
I can feel myself starting to […]
“You’ll promise me you wont kill yourself, right? You promise me? Not anytime soon, right?”
*Laughter*
It was the awkward kind of laughter; the funny one for the wrong reasons. The laughter of embarrassment, but all you can manage to muster out is a laugh. And smile. Not the cruel kind of laughter; where you’re teasing the person- getting them concerned.
That’s what I said to the psychologist today.
Or, whatever she was. Of course I promised her.
I have to give her credit, she figured out the date all by herself. She’s pretty smart.
Here’s my advice to you: If the psychologist’s trynna get some answers out of you that […]
It would seem that all of my plans and hope for a bearable future failed today, I wont bother with going further into details on this. I happened to have a meeting with my psychiatrist right after I figured that out and I just opened up and said that I cannot go on like this. I have to start preparations, my computer, hard drives, my room itself.. my online people.. things must be erased, those who knew me a little deserve to be informed if I go.. And now I am awaiting a call from an “emergency team” I don’t know what this means.. […]
The only thing that ever made me happy about my race or my culture.Is the fact I come from a long line of cons and thieves. In normal perspective that is a horrible trait to be proud of.
But on this site about dead end jobs shity shcool system’s. Makes me a lilttle happy that because of my family life style if i wake up and hustle my ass off and hopefully meet someone. the owner of some billion dollor whatever or heiress of something and just talk and get what i want out of them ill be set no one can tell me shit . not […]
WARNING: THIS IS A VENT / RANT. NOT TRYING TO OFFEND ANYONE, JUST AIRING OUT.
Why are people so fucking pushy? Like their ideals are the only fucking way. Here’s my list of shit…
Homosexual. Hybridsexual, Antisexual, overly-sexual… I do not give 1 single iota of a fuck how, who, or where you bump uglies. Here’s an idea, keep it to yourself. Why does everyone make an issue about how it’s not an issue?
Religion. Anti-religion. Quasi-religion. Again, I don’t fucking care what you do or don’t believe in. Jesus gives your life meaning? Awesome. On a mission for Cthulhu, more power to you. If, I find it […]
Depression Haiku:
Hi again, Doctor
Of COURSE I’m feeling better
You don’t mind lies, right?
Made of wet cement
With the strength of a kitten
I will stay in bed
Prescriptions galore
Which one is the time machine
Should I go back, or….?
A world of dark gray
Matches all of my outfits!
I look like I cared
Sleeping like zombies
Wide-eyed for hours again
On the same old slab
SP is one place
I do not have to explain
I’m really bad at taking emotional pain, not that people think about that when they give me a reason to be emotionally hurt. It’s really funny honestly, how all of it plays out. I had let a friend of mine close, like really close… We have only really been together a couple weeks, but I’ve had the crush on him and he on me for the LONGEST time… So, ask me, what did I receive somewhere between Psychology 1101 and Accounting 1100 tonight? The “I think we rushed it, we should just be friends” message!
It shouldn’t hurt this bad, but fuck y’know? He promised me, […]
I woke up completely unhappy and lonely. I tried to take a shower, turned on the water and just collapsed into the corner. I was annoyed at myself afterward for leaving the water running, such a waste of water. I was in the corner for like an hour.
I don’t understand why I have to be this way! I walked into the kitchen afterward… and seen knives and had every desire in the world to end it right then and there. I ran to my bedroom and just got under the covers. I finally got strength from somewhere and started feeling a bit better, but I […]
I’ve been suicidal for almost 21 years, since I was 20. I’m not feeling anything right now. I am hopeless. I live in a vacuum. I think about suicide because there’s no other solution that I can believe in, not that I believe in suicide either. I’ve posted before about my history, but I’m not sure what from it could have kept me from being where I am now.
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