the warm fuzzy feeling i had last week didn’t last too long. the feeling that maybe life isn’t such a bad thing and maybe there was hope for the future. my talent for self sabotage rears its head again. it is a talent rooted in self protection. always waiting for the other shoe to drop. no good deed goes unpunished so to speak. if i feel good about myself and life karma always seems to find a way to kick me in the ass. i tell you god is one twisted mofo. but as i am constantly reminded i am still here. can’t be all […]
I’ve read that depression is based on self-loathing.
I’ve never experienced sober happiness the way others seem to. Â Looking back on my life, the parts that I think of as happiness are brief moments of relief from this always-present guilt that seems to hover over my head. Â When it briefly lifts once in awhile, that’s happiness to me. Â It makes me feel lonely too, and I wonder if others ever suffer from the same thing.
I wondered if I’ve been hating myself. Â It’s true that I don’t like myself, but “hate?” Â That seemed a little too harsh. […]
Everything is so fucking wrong.
EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKED UP AND I JUST WANT TO SCREAM. I’m so angry these days. And so so lonely.
I can’t do anything as well because people will just be like ”what’s your problem” but my problem is EVERYONE. I just want to cry and hide and go back and fix everything. Everything has yet again fucked up. I fucked shit up again and I literally did not see it coming AT ALL but it just happened because that’s what happens to me. I fuck up. That’s all I do.
I don’t want a thing from life. Everything is just […]
(might be triggering)
i’d say it began in 6th grade; they made me weak by pointing out my flaws. i had thought, why would anybody want me if i look like this? i began giving away my food because i didn’t want to be fat, i never smiled because i didn’t like my teeth, i didn’t talk much because i didn’t like what i often said. they persuaded me to hate myself.
so when he would pay attention to me, in 7th grade, i felt happy. too happy. he was the first to see my scars. he told me he cared. but he only wanted one thing..
it wasn’t […]
i now have a girlfriend and yes she’s great. i think we started things too fast though, i don’t feel she knows enough about me to actually love me, although that’s kinda how i’d rather keep it. i mean, if she knew everything about me i know she wouldn’t ever want me the way she wants me now.
she has tried to make me promise i’ll stop hurting myself, i’ll start eating, i’ll smile more, and i promised her i’d try. but to be honest i think i’m addicted to this life. i’m comfortable with the feelings of self hatred and loathing, no matter how bad i’d like […]
It’s been so long since I’ve written. So glad to be back with my family. Have you ever just sought comfort from a stranger? I know I have.
A lot had happened.
Me and Brice (love of my life) went out…once again. He ended up not talking to me for 2 whole weeks. Then he said he never wanted to talk to me again. I once again wrote my suicide letter, thinking I had nothing more to live for. I think it was the 6th time. But anyways he eventually ended up talking to me again. We still talk. Everything is not solved and I’ve promised so […]
I still love her.. Its been several months yet I can’t stop thinking about her, I still talk to her everyday but I just smile and tell her I’m happy for her because I just want her to be happy.. But inside I wanna die.. I still cut myself regularly, think about suicide everyday, and its killing me, I can’t talk to anybody, I’m alone, I have so much self hatred for letting things happen the way they did, for letting her go, she was the only one who got me,, and I let her go,,, when we see each other she pretend not to […]
Why bother, I do nothing correct. Everything I ever care about destroys my insides. Try as I might, but I cannot conquer. My life is an infinite loop of chaos and disease, and I am the problem. There may be many solutions, but only one outcome I can foresee. To those who care, I am sorry. The time may be near, since the path of self-destruction is imminent. My heart pounds with self-hatred, and the loathing of my existence. Decisions will be made, actions will be taken. And none of this will ever be shared with you. For you, I truly love and never want […]
I am emotionally numb. I recognize that my emotions are there deep beneath but I do not connect with them. Almost as if they are not real. As if I’m possibly inventing them, in an attempt to pacify a need in me to be normal and socially accepted. I don’t know if I’m depressed. I don’t know if what I feel is anxiety. I can’t speak in public and don’t leave my house much because I don’t want to socialize due to my negative self-image and inability to really empathize with others adequately. But is that considered anxiety? I don’t know. Sometimes […]
My bad attitude caused by frustration and self hatred has pushed those who used to care about me far far away. I know we’re all alone no matter what, but it kills me not to have at least that illusion making us feel as though we are not alone. I started cutting a few days ago and each day the  cut gets a  little deeper. I was just looking for a distraction from my emotional pain. I haven’t felt happiness all year. I’m beginning to question if there even is a possibility for me to feel happiness again. I used to rely on strangers to […]
I have seen a counselor twice because of my self harm issues but I stopped going to the counselor because I didn’t ever like going. Looking back on the times that I was there and the discussions we had I realized that I wasn’t entirely honest with her. When I would talk to her I could tell by the way she looked at me that she thought I was dumb. I am one of those people who have parents still together, I have a home, I have dinner on my table, and I’m pretty. You may think with all of that, how can a person […]
Well, I am new to this site. I have been suicidal since I was 12 years old, or that’s the earliest I remember, since at that time I made notecards about me, in preparation. I was planning to write letters to everyone I cared about. Now I am 17 and I am still planning on writing those letters. The reason I haven’t committed suicide yet, is because I didn’t want my mom to hurt. Now, she just got diagnosed with cancer. I am scared and worried of what might happen. Incase anything happens I notified 2 of my friends about what has been going on […]
Hi. This is my first time ever posting to this site or anything like this site. I found this site doing research for my suicide, but I’ve come back multiple times just to read the posts because it seems that there are people here I can identify with.
So I suppose that I should tell my suicide story? I will try, but it’s not much of a story. It’s nothing compared to some of the things I read here, or see and hear at school. I know I have no right to feel the way I do, but that knowledge doesn’t change what I feel, it […]
Is it really ‘pain’ that brings about the desire to kill yourself? I’m not in pain. But I’m not happy either – I feel almost nothing at all, I just think. And my thoughts don’t make sense. It’s just numbness, and sometimes anxiety. Nothing at all or crippling fear and self-hatred. Life is just not coherent. Why is anybody bothering to stay?
I’m a 26 year old male, depressed, chronic procrastinator, without any sense of meaning in my life. I hate the world we live in, so much is wrong, greed over morality pretty much sums up most of it, and an ignorance is bliss lifestyle the rest. But that’s the normal QQ; here’s were it gets really pathetic. I hate myself most of all, everyday I wake up and cuss at myself until I can finally summon up the will to get out of bed and face another day of my life. I have nothing, and I know it’s no one’s fault but my own; I […]
Hello children, I just wanted to shed some light on one of the worst times of my life, I was not always as well adjusted and happy as i am now, i was once in the gutter. Its difficult to talk about because its a time would like to forget, but those who do not remember there mistakes are doomed to repeat them.
It was 7 years ago, the first time attended college, After my GF died, i went off the rails completely, If im perfectly honest it was mostly just a blur of alcohol and self pity, hatred for a god i didnt believe in, But mostly i […]
I have been struggling with self hatred and poor self esteem for most of my life. It is through a change in friends and family that I have surrounded myself with positive, truly amazing people. I didn’t think life could be lived happily. But it can. I used to cut on myself, I used to do drugs and drink, among many other self destructive behaviors. But it was through the death of my mother through which I know was suicide related, even through my family lists it as “undetermined” that a new path has been made for me. I am now a Christian, I am […]
I have never in my life interacted with another human who understands how painful my everyday existence is. Â No one understands. Â I’m terrified to even post on this, for fear of being exposed. Â Superficial empathy can be found anywhere. Â It can be found especially easy upon the lips of the proud. Â I have seen too many people “reach out” as a last hope, only to be ostracized and ridiculed. Â People are harsh. Â This leaves only the option of attempting to survive the evening, yet agin, and hope that the deep sorrow becomes numbing sooner than later.
Certainly, I would think, that there is someone out there […]
This might be funny, I don’t know. I’ve been suicidal for weeks (months on and off) and been thinking about it this past days. A lot of reasons why; university, family problems, legal issues, self-hatred blah blah blah. Anyway, I decide to watch a couple of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle episodes out of boredom with my little brother and end up watching an episode called ‘Same As It Never Was’.
Now, I’ve got three brothers and I’d be lying if I said the turtle superhereos don’t remind me of us. So this episode has one of the turtle brothers transported to a nightmare future where their […]
I don’t particularly think my story is of any significance, nor do I think anything particularly bad has happened to me, but I shall share my story anyway because of the simple fact that I want to.
I shall begin with the fact that I’ve always hated my father, as far back as I can remember he has always annoyed me, with his selfishness, lack of manners and personal space, I swear, if I even began insulting him, I could never stop. People say I have a really good memory but the truth is, I don’t I can’t exactly remember anything before the age of […]