i am ruined. i am disgusting. i am used. i am repulsive. i am unclean. i am filthy. i am tainted.
disgusting.
i am left with unbearable shame after what he did to me. i dwell on what i “could have done differently” and go into a spiral of self blame and hatred. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. when truly, no, it wasn’t. he had every opportunity to not be an abusive, sadistic, conscienceless monster. he chose to continue. he chose to blackmail me. he chose to abuse me. he chose to force me to mutilate myself. i did not choose to be abused. i did not choose to be stripped of my dignity. i did not choose to become a puppet.
I WAS […]
im a female, will be 17 in august, maybe. My family just got a hold of some pictures of me smoking weed and that sparked them to search my room and found soooo much weed and bongs and bowls and lighters and stuff. They are furious and ashamed and they just found out all this other stuff about me to that you wouldnt want your parents to know. I know it doesnt sound like a big deal but my parents HATE me now. my parents arent speaking to each other, they are probably going to get divorced because they are blaming each other for my […]
I got sent to the E.R today for suicidal thoughts.
NO.
Don’t tell me its alright.
My parents called me a big problem. They are angry at me. My mom said she wanted to buy shoes and now she can’t because “I did all this”. My sister said I’m being a stupid teenager. My father and mother said that I was doing all this intentionally so I can go see how a psychologist works, because I like psychology. My mom said that she feels bad for my sister because my sister wanted to go out the the mall, and they had to get called to the hospital. My […]
I cracked a smile this week – some things are such a good distraction.
A positive thought or two, but I feel too mentally frail and tired to act.
And now I am back to my misery and despair.
Perhaps I can stay distracted until I fade away.
inside of me exists
this thing
that makes me
me
it nurtures and it
weeps
it cradles me it dreams
i see this thing
that makes me
me
in his stare and
poison kiss
I see it as he turns
his back
he walks away
good bye again
he leaves again
in pain again
no hope again
repeat again
the same again
he’s done
alone again
with this thing
this THING
that makes me
me
I HATE this thing
DON’T want this thing
please please
FUCKING LEAVE
it has stolen
it has robbed
the life i want
the life i dreamed
what now
where to
confused
This time when I cut, I regressed to cutting my left shoulder, as I was wont to do years ago. I slit superficial lines between the iron cross, making the black ink of the tattoo glisten prettily. I wish I had taken that razor and slit my goddamn throat. But I am a gutless *****, too afraid of what could happen to me if I do it. So there are 14 lines, some longer than others, some deeper than others. All easily hidden by my shirt sleeve.
HOW FUCKING DARE YOU BLAME ME FOR WHAT HAPPENED??!! The fall wasn’t my fault. “You’ve got to hold on […]
I am so fucking DONE. I want to die.. well I don’t want to die, but I want this pain to go away. I want the constant numbness, guilt, sadness, and every other emotion to stop. I want these voices to go away and leave my head. I want my father to actually love me! Hell I want my family to actually love me! All they do is tell me that I’m a waste of time, money, and space. They don’t support me. They don’t encourage me to live my dream. They don’t encourage me to get involved with my church, instead they act like […]
I’m not sure exactly where I would fall on the spectrum of suicidality. I have a plan. I am in the process of obtaining the means. But even once I have them, I’m not sure I’ll go through with it. I want to have the option.
I’m sad, but it’s due to having to face this decision. Given the choice I’d rather live, but after 20 years of intractable pain with no promise of a cure or even treatment, I realize that this can’t go on much longer.
I have a rare and exquisitely vicious form of OCD. My mind reacts to every small mistake I make […]
Fear. Fatigue. Darkness. Anger. Pain. Shame.
I’ve been grappling for weeks. This isn’t my first time down this path, I’m a pro at weathering them (but for an attempt in my early 20s when I didn’t know better). Â Right now I’m losing the battle. Â I’ve decided to concede, if nothing else for the peace it instantly brings me. Â But two things are really pissing me off about this right now.
1. Â Someone cares, pick up the phone, call them, they’re all going to be so devastated when you go, blah blah blah. Â Screw that. They all know. Â They know I’m a mess. Â Granted they’re not mind-readers, they don’t know that I’ve crossed […]
I love my wife and Kids, but I am as low as I have ever been. Â I lost my job, and this forces us to move to a new town. Â My wife resigned her job, my kids 7 and 5 will enter new schools and we will be on my salary alone. Â The pressure is killing me. Â I have never been so close to ending it all. Â I have a new job, I have a good new job, it’s hard for me to see it. Â I’ve been so low for so long. Â My kids bring me joy, that’s why i don’t end it all.
I feel […]
i see nothing at all, no happines
When i tried to commit suicide i was serious about it. I locked my door turned my music on loud and ignored the knocks. Well i laid down my tools of trade, a bottle of vodka, to hide my shame, a razor at the wrist nothing would be missed. I.. I took a drink then grabbed my razor as i sat over a towel and just cut my thighs to hell i could barely walk after.. I called […]
The worst fear in my life is not that i will lead a lonely life but that the loneliness will drive me insane.
Even when I am in the midst of a huge crowd, a familiar crowd of friends and relatives, that feeling of loneliness creeps in and sometimes pushes me into that unholy pool of madness… where the first impulse is to hide from everyone, the second is a strong desire to run away from everything and everyone,and then i get caught up in a feeling of despair… at how helpless and useless i am and then the doubts about why i am here to […]
My past is a bad one  Â
I’ve learnt to hide
But some of you know itÂ
I can see in your eyes
So what do I doÂ
Where do I hideÂ
What are you thinkingÂ
With misunderstood eyes
I carry my shame Â
It’s all my faultÂ
 My life full of torture
I hide in my house
The silence not lasting
I am just the mouseÂ
The look in your eyesÂ
It drives me insaneÂ
 Maybe just a smileÂ
Can ease my painÂ
You don’t know my sideÂ
It’s story untoldÂ
With pen to paperÂ
All soon will be toldÂ
So as we reflectÂ
If you have a significant other, what is the right thing to do?
As far as relationships go, committing suicide is probably the worst thing you can do. Dumping the other person, whether in an ugly argument or just by packing up and disappearing, is a lot nicer than letting them find your messy corpse and having to deal with the cleanup, funeral, explanations and shame of it all.
I know when my time comes, I’ll end my life mercilessly without much thought. So I should probably prepare. I’ve come to the conclusion that, for me, encouraging someone to love me when I have no interest in […]
Today i am accepting the fact masturbation ruined my life and i am tired of masturbating everyday is there anyone in the whole world who masturbate a lot i am very tired of doing it and i do not know how to stop this habit but i am just in shame today too much because i am very much tired of doing it and i do not want to do that anymore it is not stress reliever for me it is eating my life my body ruined because of masturbation i look very thin and i always use to be tired because of this habit […]
Let’s just honestly say, that many children’s creation upon this Earth was a mistake.  In several ways. People tend to deny these things, this entire post perhaps, but they avert their eyes when they do.  Then they rapidly change topic, start accusations of something you yourself have done, but they twist it around and make it sound as if they had no part in it….had no part in being the very reason why you did that (whatever it may be). And when you deny it, of being the sole factor in a certain exchanging of words, in a response, or an action, they lose what […]
Sometimes, i feel it’s bad to succeed in stopping someone from committing suicide, but the person still suffers. I see peoples stories on here and for a lot of them, i can see so much success in getting better. But, for others, their lives seem to be getting to them. It’s so sad to see someone struggling to live, and they shouldn’t have to suffer. It’s amazing when someone can pull through that kind of pain and you see them so amazing in life. Suicide is neither wrong or right guys. I just want you all to know it CAN get better, but if you […]
Newer Posts