I took 17 steps into your arms
Your smell evergreen and liquorice
That cool lake we swam at was just
Me wishful thinking you were my own.
Tag:
steps
http://14572.greatrv.net/mobile/vehicle/24473042
That’s the home I got my heart set on. It’s affordable. It’s luxurious. It’s all Alan.
Side note, is it odd I feel Alan is the real me and my real name is just my “username” for the real world?
I’m trying to build myself up. Trying to stay focused. I’m trying to reach out for help. I see every step as do or die.
The negative backlash from my spouse is maniacal. From bawling she loves me, to fine just go now, to just kill yourself… yet she acknowledges her inconsistency, she still fails to understand how years of being abused has worn me.
So, mentally she’s […]
So I did a bad thing. Today is my boyfriends birthday and I was scrolling through facebook and saw a post from a friend of ours who I think over steps her boundaries with him.
It was a happy birthday post, however it wasn’t good. It basically said “you’re not at uni, you don’t have a job, you don’t have any hobbies and you don’t leave your room. Maybe this is the year you’ll do something. Happy birthday my lover and my friend”
Tell me what part of that post isn’t appropriate! That, in my opinion, isn’t nice. So in a fitof misery and anger, I went […]
I wake up today feeling much more like my old self, but just dumb-founded where that self finds, er, itself. How did we wind up here? It really makes no sense to me now. How could I not have just followed the path I was on before? It’s like I couldn’t stand the idea of stability, and so just constantly interrupted and disrupted any and everything that at any time was going smooth.
Had a house, had a girl, somewhat had a job, but still couldn’t find satisfaction. Maybe it was in part still coming to terms with past and present demons, Dad killing himself, mom […]
I’m so self destructive
things start going good, then I do as much as possible to ruin any progress I make and get myself in a worse situation
The end is coming soon, at least I have death to look forward to.
Every time I try to do things right something comes up. I take 2 steps forward and 4 backwards like literally. My love life is horrible I got played and used so many times it’s not even funny. My hospital bills and student loans are ridiculous and I didn’t even get to finish school. All I ever wanted is to be happy I’m 25 and I haven’t yet to be happy.
There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think of ending my life. I continue to live for my family, although latley that reason doesn’t hold as much weight as it used to. I feel like all I am is a burden for them. I’ve tried my whole life to succeed and be a positive person in this world but it just seems I can’t catch a break. I’m on my 4th hip surgery and I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I’m in such a dark place and have been here before. I’m tired of the fight. […]
*I apologize if this turns out to make no sense. I’m on a couple prescriptions that are new and make my thoughts to finger connections cooky.*
There she is. Floating- floating through it all. She steps outside, ducking her head under the door jam. Inhaling the scent that only rain can bring, she smiles. Not a large, toothy, gums for all to see smile; no, this smile is very, very unique. It is the smile that touches her rosy lips when she sees something, or hears a sound that touches her soul. Nothing has touched her soul in a long, long time. Stomping her boot clad […]
There is, and always has been two worlds, and in the centuries man has existed, very few have had the fortitude to walk them both. This is the story of one such traveler.
The boy was alone in his room, the lights off, and his shades drawn. He loved the intoxicating darkness. He knew that to be here was to be ready to go to the other place. This other place is only two steps away when he’s in this room. He took the first step.
The Outside was dark, but he knew it would be. He preferred the darkness; it left him feeling cold. There […]
so again I’m saying I quit. I’ve posted before saying I planned to end it, and obviously changed my mind. Well I’m back with a new plan. I did a little research, picked out my date. The steps are in motion. I’m tired of going back and forth and honestly I don’t want help. I don’t want to get better. I know I can’t. I did the math and I’ve had sucidal thoughts for around 8 yrs. I first tried to kill myself in 8th grade so I was around 12. And since then it’s been back and forth. I’ve tried to end it so […]
Failed suited attempts are a pain in the butt. They lock you up in a hospital, everyone freaks out. You feel this huge amount of guilt, and rarely no relief that you’re alive, only more depression becuase you didn’t succeed. Family always makes you feel guilty, how could you do this? Why didn’t you tell me. Like duh , if I told you, you would’ve stopped me, and I wanted to die. Then comes the painful process of “getting better” “learning to be happy”. You’re supposed to make all these steps so you don’t do it again and promise you’ll get help. But when you […]
If you sit waiting for peace you will never find it. If you sit around simply hoping that life will get better that you will get a sign that there is a reason to continue, you will get nothing. ACTIONS, very important thing here. Without that you can’t expect anything. You have to do things to better your life and it’s not gonna happen over night maybe not in a week or a month or 5 months. Just think of it in terms of losing weight and getting toned, you can’t expect to be completely in shape in a month especially if you haven’t fully […]
I was up all night, feeling like the worst person ever. And why? Because I’ve lost my SS card and birth certificate. I was/ am mad because I had had it in a box, sorted that box and now, poof! Lost them!
I am going to be okay. I always am. I even called my crisis line and told them all my problems and all about how I was going to fix them. I must be superman. Well, superwoman. But ya know…
All the negative feelings are from long ago. So sad inside. Hurting so much and nobody, I mean nobody knows in my family. My friends […]
today is a dangerous day for me. my husband is currently out of the state. my therapists and shrink don’t work on fridays. not that i would reach out to them anyway. i am alone with my thoughts and my gun. today is not the day i had originally chosen, but what is the difference? it is not going to change things if i wait a few more days. my “funky” way of thinking is not going to be changed. i have tried to explain how this go around has been different than the others. but i don’t have the words. all i can say […]
So I decided to ask my mom if I could get happy pills. And so I’m talking with my doctor sometime this week to get prescribed. I decided to wait to see if I needed therapy – well, more of “wanted” therapy. I’m going to try taking small steps first to see how much help I really need, because at this point, I just don’t know anymore. Is it a good idea to work myself into this, or should I just push myself into therapy???
There was a time in my life, not so long ago, when I could pass for normal.
Probably because, for all intents and purposes, I was normal.
I did normal things, ate normal food, took normal shows, I was thoroughly unexceptional.
Not to say I’m exceptional now, but you get my meaning.
No one ever said it’d be easy to get back to that place in my life.
But for the first time in a long time, I can see the horizon.
Those bastards were right, time must heal all wounds.
No longer am I taking one step forward and two back.
I’m making progress.
Two steps forward, one step back.
Now only a million […]
so I decided that I’m going to try to turn over a new leaf and make myself see the positive in my life. I came extremely close the other day to trying to make an end I realized I didn’t want, that I shouldn’t want. I was wondering if any of you had any suggestions on ways to take little steps to help me see the happy and positive things in my life?
I hope I don’t sound like a “holy roller” and I don’t mean to offend anyone, but a year ago, I suffered a loss that I felt was punishment for my vanity. Afterwards, I told God in my prayers, that if he would grant me two things, I would die to atone for the things I’ve done (and haven’t done). First, that he would help my son pass the rigorous physical and medical tests to be awarded an ROTC scholarship, and second, that he give me more time with my elderly pet. My son started ROTC last fall, and a year later, my pet is […]
I can’t kill myself because it would destroy my family, but I don’t want to live. My mother died 6 weeks ago. It occurred to me then that I might be free to end my life, as I have thought about doing for a long time. She was the main reason I could not kill myself, because I believed that doing so might literally kill her as well. Now that she’s gone, though, I look at my sisters and see how much they depend on me and each other, and I still can’t do it. I have a good family. I can’t act on these […]
My life has truly been a rollercoster these past few months. Ups and downs left and right ….. I wish I could see where my future would take me to see if its even worth all of this constant heartache. Every time i take one step forward I feel like I take 5 steps back…. I had a child with who I thought was the love of my life, he was cheated and lied to the most with in the first 3 months of being pregnant …. I decided to take a chance and leave him to look for a happier life…. That has lead […]
Newer Posts