Over the years I have gone from being optimistic and joyful, to completely dead inside. The few friends I had are now gone, and the failures in my life continue to increase in number as I get older. I constantly feel sharp chest pain from my depression, and I am unable to let out how I feel, unable to cry and unable to strongly feel anything emotionally anymore. My depression gets worse everyday as I have found everything in life to be no fun anymore resulting in myself staying in my bed all day whenever I get the chance. I can’t tell anyone how I […]
I wish, more than anything that I wasn’t so alone in the world. I try to confide in others, but I’m afraid to. Once you hear something, it can’t be unheard. I don’t want things to change between me and my friends. My family, I don’t know what to say. We’re not close. I’ve grown up in an abusive home for years. I’m still stuck here, I’m saving up to get out but I’m not there yet. I’ve prayed for death so many times. I wish I was out, I wish there was something better, I wish I could be stronger. Can anyone hear me?
If Something created life I just wanna ask why …. for us to live with our struggles with no way out is so cruel but when the day comes for me to take my own life I will do it with a smile for I made my own way out and the things that had me stuck to this reailty I wont care about that anymore I wont take part In this existence anymore!!!!
No rants today for a change, just stuck inside of my mind. The one place I despise the most. I wonder why there are people in this world that want to live, but die. There are people in this world that want to die, but yet they live. That’s seems cruel to me sometimes. I know for myself it has been a constant struggle, trying to keep it together for the people in my life, especially when I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have to deal with my so-called ” mental illness “. As […]
I already know how it’s going to be. Saturday I’ll work like crazy catching up on laundry and housework and cook something good, probably chili because it’s going to be cold. Sunday will be crap cause it always is. I’ll probably be somewhat hungover, as usual. I hate every day I work because it’s getting too stressful but days off are just as bad, if not worse. Guess I’m just stuck in a rut. Hope I can enjoy this weekend. I’m getting so tired of everything lately. I’m rambling and I’m done. It feels like my moods crashing already. Goodnight.
Stepped over a ledge today without a hit of self preservation instincts(survied, the fourth time I’ve failed at dying). No butterflies in my stomach, no sweat in my hands, I simply no longer have any fear of death. Then it occured to me: if i dont have any fear of dying why should i fear change? So i quit my job, emptied my bank occount, moved, confessed everything i had left to confess. I figure in a month I’ll either have a good life or a great crime scene but for now it seems like killing myself was the one exciting thing i had left […]
Senior Projects are ruining me. I could be outside but no I’m stuck inside finishing it because I lost my schedule and forgot the day I was supposed to go. I really hope my teacher gives me more time to do it because the deadline is to close and I’m so far from finishing.
But aside from my rambling I managed to finish the pin I made for U.S History. Inked, colored, ready to go. Sorry if I irritate you with uploading this […]
It just feels like too much has happened. Too many things gone wrong, and here I am left with the fallout of all of it. For a time I’d wake up with enthusiasm to fight it, figure I’d do this or that and things will get better, try to improve the situation, but where it’s led me is just so utterly depressing. Details don’t really matter, I feel it’s more once you get stuck in this frame of mind you just feel stuck. I don’t know. Just found out a good friend of mine from back in the day killed herself. She was so beautiful, […]
I’m sitting here in the dark, listening to the rain. It’s been raining a lot lately in the past month or so. I remember a few years ago the river flooding in low lying spots and coming within inches of flooding over the train track bridge. I don’t mind this rain at night or when I’m sleeping but during the day when I have to function it about kills me. I am not very tolerant of the cold and lately this has felt like an ice cold rain. There was one night in February I had to catch the bus home from work in an […]
Why do I have be afraid of my brothers whyyyy whyyyyyyyyy now I’m stuck having to do something I don’t want to do on mother’s day…… Asdfghjkl I hate my family (apart from my nephew) enough as it is but now it’s worse I have to go see my Nana… Now some of you think that’s not so bad why are you complaining just stop you’re ranting it’s annoying.
No I won’t because I need excuses because my brain isn’t working.
My Nana is the worse person everrrrr *facepalm* […]
Following from earlier post. Just spoke to my mum, she laid total guilt trip on me for not visiting her. Now im in a total manic questioning everything about my rat ass life spiral. !! Stuck between anger and tears. Hating myself and hating her!! The irony is that im 39 fucking years old!!! Why do I feel like im 5 years old again and stuck in between divorcing parents! !! Wow, sorry, I dont mean to project on anyone younger than me. Its just my messed up family. And the worst part is im outta valium and ice cream!!! Could do with some […]
Poor l’le grl…..she was juz done with it…. Tired of everything…. She was stuck…..she was craving to find few traces of life in her…..a reason to live….sadly…. Cudn’t…
She felt…. She was a mere disappointment…. She feared things…. And this time she ws giving up….coz…no ray of hope made a way to her room….
Lost soul….. Juz a reflection of a human….!
she’s hurt and lost
crippled by all the pain she feels everyday
shes trapped and the doors are locked
there’s no one to help her
to hear her screams
to hear her drowning in her own blood
to hear she wants to leave this world
just to be heard by someone would give her hope back
but she’s empty
lost, lonley and dying
all she asks for is to be gone and never return
to leave all her crap behide
to leave the nobody she has behide
to just leave this useless place
Stuck in the void
You left me here
Trying to avoid the atmosphere.
Caught in the crowds
Your voice is so loud
But then it seems to disappear.
I bought the last thing that I fucking need
Another bottle to wash away this awful dream
Reminding me that I will never get to be with you
What am I suppose to do?
Waking up in bed and I am still alone
Spending countless hours staring at my phone.
I bought the last thing that I fucking need.
Stuck in the void
You left me here
Trying to avoid the atmosphere.
Caught in the crowds
Your voice […]
Sometimes I can no longer cope with anxiety and dark images/feelings in my head so I hurt myself, I waste time, I waste opportunities, I waste myself. I once was a rather clever child but now I am stupid distracted and numbed by all my fears. An ancient monster from the past, doing really dirty things. But I’m afraid of making him human so I did’nt ask for his name. My mother want this story to be burried and forgotten but I don’t no what to do. I hate him and I hate myself at the same time, and I wish he could fall and […]
So I know I want to be done, I just can’t go on anymore, but I’ve been stuck on the best way to go through with it.
First thought was just a knife stab to the chest. But that’d be very painful, and to increase likelihood of success is have to remove the knife post-stab, which I just don’t know how that would go down.
Then I thought about gas. Helium or ********. Wearing one of the nose/mouth masks carpenters wear, sticking a tube in it with duct tape eliminating gaps with the hose attached to a tank of helium/********.
Would this work?
This is just the same old post, made because I’m feeling lost and lonely and don’t know what else to do.
My life is probably not worth living. I don’t anticipate much in the way of happiness or meaningful events down the road. Generally speaking, anything involving human relationships is a non-starter. I’m not particularly artistic or creative. I don’t really believe in anything strongly, or care about anything that much. In other words, I am a void. My life is a big fat zero. And that feels terrible. All the things that you could’ve been, that you were supposed to be. And you’re not. You’re this. […]
I’ve have slept through three alarms, miraculously I’m awake relatively early in the morning.
I’ll lay here, on my sleeping bag, wool blanket, yoga mat combination for an hour at least.
Neglecting all needs.
Half ass wondering what has sucked pleasure from my life and has left me a husk, a shadow of my former self.
Until I stop carrying and I day dream of much more entertaining thoughts.
Like, wouldn’t it be nice;
If I woke up in an alternate world.
Woke up in a game.
Or not at all, and instead of day dreaming about life that could be… Oh fuck it, you’re stuck.
Stop […]
I’m not afraid of suicide, I’m ok with death. I’m just afraid of surviving my suicide. Facing the people close to me after my suicide. You don’t realize how much people can influence your decision in life. Either small or big. I envy those who actually commit suicide, I learned this yesterday when I got news a someone else overdosed. Their mental will and desire for what they want, but then again I envy those with the power to move on, to find reasons to smile and to live. I am neither. Stuck in between. Never know what to do, it always lingers in the back […]
Alright, so this is going to be me pouring my heart out more then anything, but i’m kind of on the brink here.
First things first, my name is Jeroen. I’m a 20 year old guy from The netherlands. I love mechanical engineering, custom computers and i like to play video games. I have a pretty tight family. i’m the youngest of 3 brothers(one of which is my twin bro). my parents divorced and we all live at my dad’s place except my twin bro, who moved out to live with his girlfriend. My dad has a new girlfriend too, which also happens to be my […]
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