I can’t tell any more if im over reacting or simply following a path that was laid out for me. I’m married , just over 13 years, and we have been through hell and back, and not all on our accounts. There’s been severe injuries, that included hospitalization and surgery. There’s been job losses, several of those and on both ends. There’s been concerns with kids and family members that included losses as well as counselling. And yet despite all of the angry and terrible things we have said and done, I still try to “fix” things. I push my emotions and feelings aside to […]
Hello. It has been sometime. I’ve been busy. I’ve actually felt not terrible. Not good, but not terrible. Yesterday I went to a beach clean up. A lot of people were there. Made me realize how difficult it is for me to be around other people. I hardly spoke, and could never look anyone in the eye. It’s pretty difficult. Lots of girls there. It was the beach so they wore skimpy tops and short shorts. Didn’t know what to do. Tried to stay as far as possible. When I was alone, it actually felt nice. Alone with my thoughts. It is actually starting to […]
well i kinda fucked up my whole life, just turned 18 in April, and i have no hope of living my parents love me to bits but i have given them enough pain to and made them cry so many times that i am a disgrace to this world. my whole family praises my sister and my cousins who are extremely smart and doing well in life though they have smaller problems they have never let down their parents but i just can’t get out of it, i fucked up in school got terrible grades, and now i fucked up in uni by getting terrible […]
So I’m a freshmen in a collage prep high school. I’ve suffered from depression since 6th or 7th grade. I have really bad anxiety and I’m extremely self conscious. IVe just been under a lot of stress and stuff and been thinking about self-harm and suicide. I think both are terrible things and I would never put my family through it but yet almost everyday I’ve been thinking of ways to kill my self. I know I haven’t got the guts to do it but I can’t stop my self from thinking about it. Nobody knows I suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts and I’m […]
I have been a cluster survivor since 1984, episodic for the first 25 years and chronic for the last 6, since 2009.
Nothing can be done for the pain …… main aim is to control the attacks (4-6 a day at the moment) and the duration.
Suicidal thoughts are never far away ….. but every day and sometimes several times a day ….. I get through it to fight another battle with this terrible illness.
I surround myself with pictures of the people I love and all the reasons to stay alive ……. and for me it works, well up to now anyway.
Constant stress […]
The title says it… we’ve only been together for 9 months, but everyday was a blessing.
Yesterday, first thing in the morning (right after I text her good morning), i wake up and see a text from my best friend sent at 3 in the morning. It was a suicide note… as depressing as thinking your best friend killed herself (i found out later that day she failed), i tried really hard to stay somewhat in an okay mood. So needless to say, it was already a terrible day, but i didn’t even know how terrible it would soon get…
At about noon, i get […]
Constant change is pretty much inevitable in life. I’ve always been really afraid of change. Therefore, constant fear seems pretty much inevitable in life. That’s one of the reasons I often feel so hopeless.
You’d think I’d have nothing to lose making a change now, given how miserable I’ve been for the past two years. Nope. I have to prepare myself for the worst, so that just in case the worst happens I won’t have some sort of breakdown. I start thinking that maybe my life now isn’t so terrible, which normally would be a good thing, except that I know as soon as the fear […]
Various Thoughts:
1) I’m coming down with a cold/flu thing, and have a sore throat.
I tried the important time-honored therapy known as “To hell with it, I’m having ice cream.”
And yet my throat is still sore, so this is going to last a few days.
2) I also am sneezing and sniffing, so apparently ToTrees and I will both be going (*sniff sniff*) for awhile. This is ok. I’m in good company.
3) Add all the other muscle aches and unmentionable disturbances that come with cold/flu bug things, […]
Sitting at the top of the stairs and I can hear you all talking about me. Saying I’m worthless. Saying I’m a terrible daughter. I’m not supposed to be listening, but I’m sitting at the top of the stairs and I can still hear you. Mom, you make me want to kill myself. Dad, where are you now? Sister, why are you adding to the pain that I’ve told you I feel a thousand times? I’m the one that everyone hates. I’m the one that everyone wishes was gone. I can hear you talking about me. Someone help.. I feel like I’m seeking attention posting […]
Here’s a pretty thorough list of why I suck, and you should hate me. In no particular order….
I obsessively worship artist. Music, pictures, poetry, books, movies, sculpture. Art period. I love it. I want to be an artist. But I suck. I prey on you here, I know you’ll lie to me. I want to believe that lie. But I’m terrible. I’ve spent THOUSANDS!, ON music equipment. To compensate. So I look cool as I finger fuck my way through Teen Spirit. My poetry? Makes me sound like a spoiled ***** angry he got the charcoal Mercedes instead of quartz grey for his birthday. My […]
I don’t think I should exist. I’m a terrible person. That’s not an emotional response, just a plain statement of fact. And I don’t think I have it in me to do better. I don’t want to do better. I want terrible things.
Except I don’t. It’s hard to explain. I have enough of a conscience to see what an awful person I am, and feel bad about it. It’s tough for the ego, realizing you’re at the bottom of the heap, morally speaking. But not enough to really want to do the right thing. I don’t care about anything or anybody enough for that.
I just […]
…right now I might feel as bad. I’ve been suicidal before, but for some reason I am not right now. Even though I’m not suicidal, I feel just about as bad as I did in the past when I did. Guess this means I’m getting stronger? Hope so. In any case, the feeling still feels bad in any context.
Anyways, what’s a suicide project post without a little sob story? We all got them, but I’ll spare you the details since it’s pretty cut and paste. I met a girl 3 weeks ago that literally met every quality I look for in a girl that also […]
I’ve felt terrible all day, I’m not sure I can wait until summer. I only smiled twice today and I started drinking diet pop because I’m not afraid of getting cancer from aspartame anymore. My parents keep getting angry at me because I’m being “morose”. I’m just so fed up with this world and I want out now.
I fucked up really bad. I messed up my presentation. I had a panic attack in class. It was so embarrassing.
I had to leave school early. I was sent home so I can pull myself together. I have an exam tomorrow. I don’t know how I’ll make it through that.
When I got home to tell my parents I had a terrible day, that I couldn’t concentrate in class, my father threw a fit.
He told me, I don’t have the right to feel terrible. All of the problems in my family are because of me. I don’t have the right to say things are hard for […]
My arms and wrists itch and burn. I relapsed bad last night. Can you even call it a relapse if you never tried to stop in the first place? I took pills, too. I can’t stop taking them – both in large quantities and small. I think I’m getting addicted. I’m ill. Everything hurts. And I’m stuck I college. Class starts in 7 minutes, and I feel awful. Despite the pills, and how many I took, I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just needed the pills. I needed to get rid of the pain, and I couldn’t cut at that exact time. Surprisingly, my […]
Since we’ve ALL made a lot of terrible mistakes, what advice or “words of wisdom” would you give to yourself if you could go back in time? or advice to someone else so they don’t make the same mistakes you did?
The past hour has been dedicated through reading posts, comments and conversations on this site. It sort of helped relieve this constricting feeling in my chest, to know that there are others experiencing the near exact feelings that i’ve kept to myself for years. As well as finally feeling like this is a safe place to discuss aforementioned feelings.
I’ve had a private journal for some time on another site. I like to use it to attempt to look back at my past mind sets, and see that i’ve progressed past those terrible moments in time. Lately though, the entries have become painful reminders and bring […]
Well, hello again. Not completely sure what I want to say to be honest. I guess, firstly, thank you to those who read my last post, and to those who commented, I’m sorry I didn’t reply to any of you. I wanted to but I didn’t feel up to it for some reason. Anyway, yet again I have something I would like to share.
So, my parents went away on some trip for 4 days. My youngest brother and I got to stay home alone, whilst my other brother went to our grandparents. Anyway, my little brother (let’s call him John for now) and I had […]
I’m Sorry
I just want to start this off, by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you in the past, and for all the terrible things I’ve done to you. I can understand if you hate me. It’d be a lie for me to say that I’d be okay with that, or able to accept it, but when I say I’d understand I mean it. I’m sorry for having feelings for you this summer, and complicating things between you and C, I’m sorry for kissing you, I’m sorry for being overly dependent on you, I’m sorry for trying to kiss you […]
It would be immoral for me to have kids. To bring them to this meaningless world, full of pain, sorrow, death, hardship, work, illness etc. The good, happy moments of life pass away in the blink in the eye, while the bad moments of life seem to be much longer. The unhealthy things in life seem to be the things that bring us the most joy. People constantly looking for any sort of distraction or getaway such as weed, alcohol, love to make them escape from this terrible world momentarily. This generation is glued to their electronic devices because it is simply a more enjoyable alternative […]
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