not in the form i thought it would. i got the A in math, I got all As. but yesterday i fainted after taking a shower, it was the wildest thing in the world, it’s never happened before. and that part wasn’t that bad. it was after going to the hospital (everyone told me that i should go, i didn’t want to be that person who says no when everyone else is saying yes) that i realized how terrible it was. i had no one to come and pick me up. i have no friends, and the people that i know with cars…well, i assumed […]
All I wanted was to be with her. She was the only one that actually cares. She noticed me when no one else would. She hang out with me because nobody else wanted to. I fell in love with her then a week later she acts like I don’t exist and tells me she can’t be with me anymore. I try to be friends with her for the next week but I can’t understand why she would hurt me like that. I needed her more than anything in the world and she hates me for a reason I don’t even know and was never told. […]
I fucking hate. I’m just a person full of hate and bitterness. I just can’t stand that fact. It feels like I’m the only person who actually sees things for what they are. People around me just don’t get it, everyone is just so generic it feels no one bothers to look all around them. Everyone thinks the same now and no one thinks differently. If your different than people will hate you, if your the same people will adore you. Why should I strive to be like everyone else? I’m different and alone. I have seen the true colors of everyone. People just want […]
The thought of suicide has been on my mind at least weekly if not daily for the last 40 years. considering I was 13 when I had my first lame attempt to end things (I wrapped an extension cord around my neck and yanked. This was at school and all that happened is I passed out) I’ve had a couple other tries since. I guess I was not ready for those times either. In looking back at things I wonder what it is that I really want. It is not attention as I was alone and did not plan to be around or discovered by […]
I don’t feel much anymore. It’s like I’m floating just below the water, aware that my lungs are burning, but I’m unconcerned. I see so much and nothing at all. I see that I am likely to end up alone. I see that I cannot have children. I see that I am about to graduate college with a useless degree and a fuck load of debt. I see fires and wars and disaster and hatred and guns and knives and cars accidents and pain in the world. I see that I should do something. There I begin to see nothing. There is nothing to do. You […]
All I ended up knowing was the bad in life I just sat around waiting for it to happen over and over again. Never loved myself or cared to live my life, which is a very precious gift that I have taken for granted. I never went out looking for new opportunities or experiences and I never answered the door when it came knocking. I realized that not all people are selfish that they aren’t all liars, cheaters, that they don’t all want to hurt me. I was in a really bad relationship and when it ended it was for good and it changed everything. […]
Truth is…
I was never good enough. I could never grasp that as a kid, so I kept searching. I kept trying to find somewhere I could be useful, somewhere safe… but the truth is that when you’re a woman, you’re nothing, if not a whore. When you’re black, you’re nothing, if not an animal. If you’re gay, you’re nothing, if not an abomination.
Abused, kidnapped, raped, molested, cast aside. Made to endure hard labor for less than minimum wage. Get hurt, get fired. The world doesn’t honor or respect someone like me. my people being killed and then blamed for […]
I’m at breaking point again. I fell off the rails big time 2 years ago after I was sexually assaulted twice by two different people in 3 months. It took me a while to get back on my feet. I have been to see psychologists and councillors all of which who have different diagnosis and long waiting lists. I thought I could do this by myself but I can’t, whenever I am reminded of either assault in any way I freak out. I’m scared all the time, I’m scared of boys, I shake all the time, I can’t do public transport, I’m just lost.
I’m 23 […]
it is quiet. it is still.a moment of peace. i relish these moments as i wait for the world to awaken.alone, with my thoughts, and the treasures of yesterdays broken dreams. the fear has not overwhelmed me yet, and the pressures and demands of dailey existance have not started.how i wish the sun would stop its dayley climb ans allow me to enjoy this for more than a fleeting moment. oh well. a moment of beauty and peace in this dark place is better than none at all. ill take what i can get
When I was 13 I was diagnosed with Epilepsy.
It’s not the worst thing in the world but going through 13 years of your life thinking you have it all planned out and knowing you’re going to be successful and then having it all pulled out from under you can fuck with you a little bit. Me and my dad we the closest a father and daughter could be up until this point. It’s like after I got diagnosed he stopped loving me. I suddenly became the “problem child” and he didn’t want to even be around me anymore, like he couldn’t even bear […]
Why Imagination is better than reality?
Why is Imagination better than reality?
Why is fantasy better than reality? Why fantasy is better than reality?
What puzzles me the most is human’s mind / human’s brains and imagination better than reality / human’s fantasy is better than reality.
for example:
just look at the movies, novels, comics, games, books, , animations (anime / manga), science fiction (sci-fi), fantasy , like Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Swords Art Online, Interstellar, etc etc, they are much more interesting, full of POSSIBILITIES & varieties / variations, and better than reality / BORING reality […]
My life has been hell for the longest while. I’m at a point now where I’ve lost all drive, and wish to die. My family hasn’t been there for me in years, and the job I have now is a ever ending fest of self-important douches who see the world within themselves and no-one else. Though, I suppose that’s California in a nutshell.
I’m Tessa, an introverted woman in her early thirties who has found herself living a strictly independent life since the age of fourteen, void of any friends, lovers, or anything else that might shape her life in normality. Nice to meet all of […]
I thought things were getting better, but it was just my mind’s way of getting a run-up to kick me in the balls again. I want to smash the bottle in front of me and cut myself to shit, grab my huge (and evergrowing) bag of failed meds and take the lot, kick down my door, smash out the bathroom window and climb up onto the rooftop and scream and shout and cry in one final act of defiance to the world. But I wont. Ill just sit here and smoke my problems away, like I always do. That’s why I’m such a useless piece of shit, […]
I came to the Golden Gate today, I had all the time in the world to jump and my hands just couldn’t let me go over the rails. I want to die, I want the end to come, but is it my survival instincts kicking in?
good god, what a depressing reality it must be to never grow out of the mindset that keeps you stuck like you are. I am a survivor, I am hopeful, I am powerful. I am strong enough to know, the world isn’t so bad, you need to change cities, change jobs, do something drastic, besides hurting yourself or others. You haven’t even experienced the world yet, trust me things change all the time, in 5 years things won’t be so shitty, and if they still are change something! Do something, I’ve found what helped me, was helping others, giving my love out for free knowing […]
If you want to attempt suicide you better be prepared for pain and/or failure. I have always thought if things go wrong and I feel really horrible I will be able to kill myself. Except that it’s not as easy as it seems. I had a chance today and it hurt too much. No matter how badly you may want to die the lizard part of your brain will do anything to survive. There is so much planning and research to do and even after all of that you will probably die a painful death or have to live with failure to try again another […]
I am so full of hate…despair…anger…hopelessness…desperation…that I feel as though I would explode. and I usually do…and like a black hole’s singularity, I collapse up on my emotions. there I’m lost in the silence that follows the chaos I’m surrounded with,
I’ve longed for death since I was a boy of 10. I don’t know how or why it started, but the darkness in me out grew me. the depression engulfed me. the sadness drowned me.
and in my few sane episodes, I boil with the anger that pushes me to madness. in those moments of my own version of sanity, I look to the […]
ever feel like you’re losing everything? you watch from a distance, but even from another perspective, you can’t manage to make sense of what’s happening.
so you choose just one thing to hold onto. it doesn’t really matter what it is, but you make it mean everything, because you need something to stay. you need this one thing for the world to revolve around because if the world doesn’t have an axis then what the fuck. you’re too scared to let go, you might fall and you have no idea where you will land.
but happens when you start to doubt that one thing? when […]
We wear the mask that grins and lies, It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,— This debt we pay to human guile; With torn and bleeding hearts we smile, And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be over-wise, In counting all our tears and sighs? Nay, let them only see us, while We wear the mask.
I am one of those hero-to-zero types, and I cannot bear the disappointment and shame I’ve put on my family. I wake up every morning wondering why I am not dead. If I wake up at kike 3 in the morning, I get hit by a tsunami of sadness, because I only have 2 hours before I face the world. Face the ones I have disappointed.
God, 1 year ago, I would have laughed at myself for being so emo. I can’t laugh now.
My father is so disappointed in me; it breaks my heart.
I don’t even know what I’m doing writing this here…I haven’t told anyone, […]