Since my last (serious) post, I made this pic and put it as the wallpaper on my phone. It’s a question to myself only. The point was to see if it felt right or wrong or somewhere outside of that. Having sat with it for a couple of days, I’ve accepted it and thought it felt good. I always wanted to go out close to or on my birthday, but last winter was too fucking cold and I said I want to be comfortable when I do it. With that said, I feel like I’ve lost a best friend. It felt like we were really […]
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today
I had this friend who knew from the start that I was having suicidal thoughts, and now that I think about it he didn’t do anything, didn’t tell a teacher or parent. We were dating and then he found out that I was having suicidal thoughts and he broke up with me, he said when I got better we would go out again, so I lied and said I got better, nothing happend. I was talking to him today and told him that I told my parents I wanted to kill myself and he basically called me selfish and said there are people out there […]
I know this is going to sound crazy/weird…..
I literally hate myself. I am a guy, 35 years of age, yet I have missed out on so many great things in life. As a child, and even today, I cannot bear to walk around without a shirt on etc. It has made me become anti social, because I feel I am so ugly I don’t deserve anyone to like me. Yes I am still single because of this, and have no confidence in myself what so ever. I fail at everything I do, get laughed at lot when I make a mistake, so now I never […]
So I managed to stay the whole day at school today, which made it a promising day. What was bad was what came after it.
I don’t know if it’s just me causing all of these problems in my relationship or if it’s naturally strenuous because of how me and my boyfriend are. Regardless, I got pretty upset today. To cut a very long, ongoin story/conversation short; I don’t believe he is making enough effort in our relationship. We never do anything, and all I’ve asked him is that one night when the majority of people aren’t there if we just take a walk down to […]
I feel so apathetic today and I don’t know why. Does smoking peppermint make you apathetic? I feel so completely unable to communicate or to even bother going out of my room or just doing most things in general. I haven’t taken my pills today and I probably won’t, could that be it?
I feel so sad , worthless and they look so happy. My worse days has been started from today.What I was fearing has been happened and I am feeling depressed, crying like and hopeless.I needs to die. I am thinking to jump in front of the train and hopes that I will die.
My inheritance is not in the form of material possessions.
My inheritance is not written into my parents’ wills. It wasn’t written into their parents’ wills either.
Our family heirlooms take the form of sertraline, once a day, everyday.
Beta-blockers for anxiety.
Checking. Checking everything. Are the doors locked? Yes. I will check them again. And again.
And again.
I didn’t use the oven today, but I will still make sure it is off.
My inheritance is mood swings and fear. Insomnia and disordered eating. Addiction and self-doubt.
And just as I have inherited my brown hair and freckles, I have inherited all of these things too.
well today is my birthday. and i am debating whether or not i want to stay alive. no one knows what is going on with me or else i probably wouldn’t be sitting here alone. but that is ok. the people who do know i am suicidal ie shrink, therapist, all have other people to attend to. i am willing to bet i am not even on their radar today. i have the means, a place picked out, all i need is some gumption to get moving. the bottom line is i can’t take living like this anymore. this depression just won’t let up and […]
It’s weird I usually never even leave my house and when I do and when I get to see people that I used to know I feel so useless. I really didn’t want to go to this family event today but I thought that someone who I actually care about was going to be there. 12 hours wasted. I even got offered a beer and if my mother wasn’t standing right there I would have fucking accepted because I was so stressed out just by being there. I kept to myself and tried not to say much because I had nothing useful to say. I […]
Its been 5 minutes and I already miss her I miss many in the end were all alone so why have I driven them away so early I’m sorry to everybody and to E I wish I was enough today its obvious I never will be I miss everyone I truly am alone and I cant cope with that too long being alone so alone
I’m just so fuckin sick of this. Before I met tbis creature, I was happy. My own apartment, job, money in the bank, car , NICE things. I genuinely cared about other people. I would make a lunch to give to whatever homeless person I saw once a week on the way to school. He has taken everything from me. I am just a disobedient dog, fuckin stupid cow, dumb monkey.
I don’t just want to kill myself. I want to throw myself in front of bus/train, anything really. I want to jump out of a building. […]
I’m gonna fucking kill myself soon, I almost did today, but like all the other times I backed out because I’m a fucking failure and a coward. I’m sorry to everyone for having to know that I exist, but don’t worry because I’m going to be gone soon.
I’m starting to feel depressed again. I’m worried because this time I have nothing to feel depressed about. Besides my physical pain… Which I’m perpetuating with self abuse. I took the day off work today. I feel broken. My body is starting to die. My addictions have sucked the life from me. I have given myself entirely over to satisfying the insatiable. I would gladly die today, preferably by the hand of another. I don’t think it matters what The addiction is…Addictions destroy lives. I hate being an addict. I can’t stop, not until I am literally unable to move. Then I just collapse. I […]
Been down all day today and can’t really put my finger on why. Nothing special happened today, just really down all day. Should be in a good mood since I’m gonna see my son for his birthday tomorrow. When I feel this way, I always want to feel better NOW! I don’t want to wait and hope tomorrow’s better. I think of all the things that helped in the past like booze, drugs, cutting, but none of those things seem to help much anymore. They just get me in trouble, like I don’t need anymore DUI’s – the next one will be a felony. Fuck, […]
So I went to see my counselor today and it seemed like the biggest waste of time. I’ve always suspected this is her first job out of college. I thought I organized my thoughts pretty good with her, but she really had no insight to offer me. I’m not really ready to say she’s not a good fit because last time I saw her I thought things went pretty well. Anyone who’s been following my story knows I’m going through a divorce. I shared with the counselor that I was bewildered by my soon to be ex’s new found niceness and and she really had nothing to […]
Hey umm.. I love this site, and I just wanted to know if there’s a way you can private message on here, or are there chat rooms on other sites that you could suggest to me..?
Depression is getting to the best of me today.
Whoo Hoo.
I woke up in a better mood than usual today, and I can’t tell if that’s good or not. Like the calm before the storm of something like that. I hope it’s not. I want it to just be over.
Anyway, I just wanted to post that it was a good day and I finally started my short story. It turned out to be easier than I thought once I got the ball rolling. It still isn’t really a coherent story just yet, more like a bunch of scenes that I finally typed up. But I’m working on it. Wish me luck.
today, I was suppose to go out looking for community service hours but no dice. everything I’ve been doing to better myself keeps backfiring some way. I don’t know how much longer I’ll have before I blow up mentally. there’s just so much a person can take before being pushed so hard… that they don’t even have the will to live anymore.
Went to counselor today, had a really good session with this new counselor for the first time. Come home, Mom wants to know how the session went. Then Mom proceeded to say how the counselor doesn’t know anything. Mom somehow thinks she’s the expert and has all the answers on how to fix my life. Then later on I’m in another room of the house and I can hear her and my Dad bad-mouthing me. I’m glad they let me live here during this divorce process, but they FUCKING DRIVE ME CRAZY !!! Can anyone relate to this?
Feeling hella robotic/empty today. Switching on autopilot for the 8hrs. at work.