   Today, one of the worst days of my life. It well.. started yesterday. Me and my boyfriend had an argument. Turns out he doesnt trust me. This is the second time he thinks im cheating on him! Anyways, we were talking..them came the yelling, and well then nothing. He left. Just like that. So today, at school i tried to talk to him, say sorry. But he would ignore me the whole time. I ended cutting again… Its been like 2 weeks that i havent cut until today..at school. I guess i needed it again. To help me take my mind off things. and […]
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Whole Time
wake up
get beat physically by sister verbal abuse by dad and watch mom say nothing all for being alive
wonder around (not like i have anyone to hang with?)
sister has chores: this means “ok whatver” then “hannah if u dont do my chores i will beat u so hard” not llike i can just walk away cuz she chokes me and pusheds me to the ground then says “wow this is why your fat all u do is sit on your ass”
then i do her chores an my chores and when i do something of hers wrong guess what? im slapped and […]
You walk by me as I sit, unnoticed, in the secluded corner of the school. You came with her to have some alone time. Understandable. You saw me in the very spot you wanted to be. You wouldn’t have that. You tell me to move. I’m still in shock that someone is talking to me. You get no response from me. You grab me by what would be the collar of my jacket if it had one. You tell me again to move. But I’m sick of being pushed around. Sick of letting people like you decide how I feel and what I do. “Make […]
i thought the term go away was a pretty clear statement… obviously not because it took my brother five minutes to get the message that i wanted him to leave, and the whole time i kept telling him to go away, that he actually needed to go away. so i was mad, sad and having a panic attack all at the same time. i still can’t calm down, but i don’t want to punch someone else but myself anymore.
I have been on this earth just short of 22 years and already I have tried to leave three times. The people that know this all tell me that it’s a good thing, maybe its “ment” to be that I am here. I really don’t think that at all. I really just think that I have not been smart enough this whole time, that I need to make sure it happens for real this time. Yeah sure I have some schooling and people say they like me, but that’s not enough. I don’t like myself. I don’t like where I came from, entire family addicted […]
So i faced my worse fear.. But the so called “vacation” i suppose to have fun on didn’t go as i planned… When i got to Ontario the first 2 days was relaxing and sorta fun. I hadn’t relaxed in a long time it was nice but after that my depression took a spiraling turn for the worst… I got extremely depressed i couldn’t even find the strength to play with my 2 year old baby brother Jayson whom was plastered to my side the whole time i was there… When we got home a week later i started to loosen up and relax.. But […]
I purely and thoroughly hate myself. There’s no sugar-coated layer to hide the fact of the matter.
Ever since I was a kid, clinical depression has lingered in every thought I’ve conceived. In public, I have it all: grades, musical/athletic talent, friends to fuck around with on the weekends. Reality? I’m smart, but totally unmotivated. I can answer questions in class and still not account for shit when it comes to my work. Music takes up my whole time, so what’s left for sports? I don’t want to get any unhealthier, but Jesus, my motivation spectra is as broad as the water level in the Saharra Desert. And sure, I have friends… Even that’s subjective, […]
When I was born I had the perfect family. Typical happily married young aspiring husband (my dad) and loving devoted child rearing wife (mom). Â Up until around age 3 everything was alright. Â Then even as a young kid, I noticed that my Dad yelled at my mom a lot. I didn’t understand why my mom would cry every day when my dad left for work. She started drinking a lot. She never neglected or mistreated me in any way, but she just became even more withdrawn. By The time i was 5, My family had already moved 3 times. My mother had endured giving birth […]
I lost my best friend to cancer. I first met her when we were 9, we played basketball on the same team. We had clicked instantly. Best friends right away. She lived two blocks away and we always would meet at the park to hang out. She was a year older then me and she was like a big sister. She always had my back and looked out for me. When she was 12 she got cancer. She had it for three months and then the doctors said it went away. But then four months later, just before she turned 13, the doctors said that […]
ok, so ima say tonight NEVER happend. i LOVE my bf, too much, even if hehurts me..oh well. well 8 hrs ago i was asked out by the guy who denied asking to have sex me. well what the hell? at first i said no, then i wanted to see how much fun i can have for once so i got ready and walked down to his place, so we went to the movies and he is ULTRA flirty, i guess he still likes me. the whole time im thinking “dont fall, i have a bf, play it cool” well then we hung at his […]
I am, aren’t I? I am going mad.
How am I feeling?
Absolutely, positively, maddeningly sad.
I went to the gas station by my house instead of having dinner, and spent the whole time asking myself a never-ending string of what if’s? Â What if all of this is a waste? What if everything is irrational? What if? What if? What if?
When they say “It’s sink or swim”, What if you just get the fuck out of the water?
So in depression is it really sink or swim? Â You can drown in depression, or struggle to swim away… Unless you get the fuck out. Take a […]
Does anyone else feel disgusted with themselves? I feel embarrassed  just being myself sometimes. Today I was with a friend, just talking and walking around the neighborhood and the whole time all I did was fidget and think about how I hate my appearance and hope that nobody is looking at me. It’s so hard to be happy.
tomorrows my moms birthday and while i can say i will smile and be happy on the outside thats only part of the truth but ill be crying on the inside. I havent decided if im ready to die yet ecspecially since i never seem to get it right I know if i really was ready id go to the bridge and jump off. I guess im at the point were i still do want help even though no help has been the right help. My therapist i feel like i havent talked to her in years. The last two times i saw her once […]
I’m sorry if I snapped at anyone at all. I was merely trying to argue and was protecting others while explaining his position. (Sumer) Venom, don’t hate me because I side with someone. I’m the neutral party, if anything no one needs you to ***** out because they shared their ideas. Sumer don’t troll on here. These people are delicate. As am I. Don’t tread on the Bald Eagle. You are a rodent. Now scurry along and infest the russians home as they spill vodka over your body. Don’t hate the americans for the propaganda the russians spill.Â
Listen to the people that care, don’t hate […]
I am so tired, please can I sleep? I cannot take it anymore.
I search my entire life to find a home, somewhere, someone, to rest in. Why can’t the world let me be happy? Whenever I become happy about something, someone, I feel that everything goes out of its way to take that happiness away. This is why  it takes me a great amount of time to feel happy. But even still, you let it, them, into your arms again only to realize you were making it up the whole time. No matter how much you deserve happiness, nobody wants to give it to you.
Yesterday I […]
So my brother thought he would sit me down and have a long chat with me about all the mistakes i am making in my life because i obviously don’t see it.
Usually when he starts his criticism rant i just walk off and that’s the end. Except this time all i could do was sit there. I have a broken leg and my crutches were strategically placed away from me. Also how can i walk away on crutches… very slowly and he’d just follow anyway. Plus i was living in HIS house at the time so it’s not like i could go anywhere.
Although i am […]
Before I begin with my story, let me just say that I’m staring death in the face and I’m at the end of my pitiful rope. It’s a long story so please get comfortable. At the very end, is a letter to my love.
September 25, 2010 – The day my life would change forever.
I had been talking to this girl I liked for a while now, we had a lot in common, so we set up a movie date. September 25 was our first date. She looked beautiful that summer night. I remember what she wore, how her hair was, and most of all, that […]
Before I begin with my story, let me just say that I’m staring death in the face and I’m at the end of my pitiful rope. It’s a long story so please get comfortable.
September 25, 2010 – The day my life would change forever.
I had been talking to this girl I liked for a while now, we had a lot in common, so we set up a movie date. September 25 was our first date. She looked beautiful that summer night. I remember what she wore, how her hair was, and most of all, that long hug she gave me when I first walked up […]
The thought and feelings crept back in. I was depressed and suicidal before, but got through it. I learned to live and be happy. I mean, I thought I was happy. I never really know how I feel. It seems that I see how I should feel rather than having feelings. It’s all a mask to cover up the gaping void within me. I’m an empty vessel. I function within the world as anyone would, but I am no one. And I don’t mean I want to be appreciated because people make me feel like no one. Just, I’m inside my brain, and I can […]
I go to a public school but it is a very high-standards school. We take both highschool and college classes at the same time. No, they’re not AP, we actually take them at the local community college. This school is SO stressful, I am just a freshman and almost killed myself in December. Almost all of the juniors are potheads, to deal with their stress. The school is also stereotypical for socially awkward kids but really, we just don’t give a fuck about drama and the social scene. There are about 400 kids total (all of the grade levels 9-12) where the other schools in […]