I lost my best friend to cancer. I first met her when we were 9, we played basketball on the same team. We had clicked instantly. Best friends right away. She lived two blocks away and we always would meet at the park to hang out. She was a year older then me and she was like a big sister. She always had my back and looked out for me. When she was 12 she got cancer. She had it for three months and then the doctors said it went away. But then four months later, just before she turned 13, the doctors said that the cancer had spread to her lungs. She fought cancer for seven months before losing. She was so strong. She always had a positive attitude about it, she said that everything happens for a reason and if it was her time then that’s just how it is. She kept me strong, I had to be strong for her. The last few days she was with us was the worst. She couldn’t walk, could hardly breath and didn’t remember who I was. Everytime I came to her side she just stuck out her hand. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t just hold her hand while she took her last breath. I was such a coward. I went home the night she died just hours before it happened. When I got the call from her mom saying she was gone I throw my phone across the room begging for her to come back, crying, yelling that it wasn’t true. I started cutting myself trying to wake up from what felt like a horrible nightmare. No matter how much blood dripped down my arms it just never seemed to be enough. I was only 12 when all this happened and now I’m 13 almost 14 and still cut and cry over it. I still think about it. Everyday. I should have been there with her when she died…I should have been by her side the whole time and never left like I promised. My last words to her was “I’ll be here in the morning when you wake up.” I should have said something different. I should have been better. I hate myself now. I can’t live with all this! I did everything wrong and I fucking left her! I miss her so much. My heart breaks everytime I hear her name. Shelby. Its such a beautiful name for such a beautiful young girl. God, why’d you have to take her.? Why couldn’t it have been me.?!
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4 comments
i’m not going to try and tell you what to do , cancer is a terrible thing ive lost half my family to it , i even had a scare last year.
one thing i will say no matter what you ‘think’ you did wrong all the ‘ifs’ and what if i said this what if i said that aint going to change any thing , dont feel guilty – like you said she was positive about this being her time … then maybe it was her time …
mourn her passing , visit her grave , talk to her like she is still there – its not crazy besides its gota be better than cutting , every body needs to vent . im sure you would feel better if you just tryed .
good luck
Hi Lost_in_time, your post is my story too… the real reason why I want to die. I lost someone almost 2 years ago and every day I replay the last time I saw her, beating myself up for doing everything WRONG. I’m sorry I don’t have anything encouraging to say. Guilt doesn’t make any sense. I’ve met people who have made terribly bad decisions, and it doesn’t seem to bother them… Who’s screwed up, them or us?
Words can never heal this kind of pain… yet I am gonna try to at least help a little. I lost a niece when she was only nine and I kinda have the same bad feelings as you.
But you need to understand a few things. First, as a friend you really cared about this Shelby. And as a friend you would want nothing more than for her to be happy and healthy. Well, she is. She is in heaven and she has exactly what you wished for.
Second, this is earth. It is not heaven. It is not supposed to be without bad stuff. I am not gonna tell you I know why God does what He does – cuz I dont know. But it is my *belief* (take it for what it is worth) that God uses these bad things to rattle our cages and remind us to honor Him. Now I dont know if that is true – it is just my belief.
You have guilt for not being there at her final momements? You dont need to. You are thinking in mortal terms. Her final moments have not come, she is alive in a better place. You just miss her and are misdirecting your pain back to yourself.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say (I am not the best at expressing myself clearly)…. and I hope you heal from your pain.
Thank you guys. I do visit her grave and talk to her but I never feel like it enough. And yeah, I guess I just miss her because I know she’s in a better place and all it’s just I wish she was still here.