Sorry for the mess

I’ve never really shared before, or at least not like this, but I think it maybe time. I cannot look back on my life and think of a time when I was truly happy. I remember as a child wishing God would “take me home with him” I didn’t know why, but I felt that way all the time. I feel like the worst person on the planet, I should be grateful for what I do have. I know there are plenty of people worse off than I am, but for some reason I cannot shake the feeling I’ve had for all of my life. I was always a pretty good student, passed exams, studied, did homework, etc. I felt like that was all I could do right. I knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere, because I never wanted to live any longer than the next five minutes. One year, I attempted suicide. I just didn’t want to be here anymore, I didn’t want my life, I didn’t want a future. I was failing all of my classes, making my existence more difficult than necessary. I tried multiple times after, and still I am here. I don’t want to be. I’ve always cut. I continued to fail school for the next year and a half before I got my shit together. Despite getting my crap together I still feel so broken, empty, you name it. For the past 3 years or so, I have thought of how many ways I could kill myself. I thought of how I could be killed in another way; getting hit by a car, cancer, some freak accident or disease would do. I feel awful that I think like that. I know my family would be devastated if they knew these things. All of my strings broke. I just don’t know what to do. I’m constantly thinking of how I would be able to die. I make myself sick. I feel helpless. I’m sorry for this mess I just presented to you guys. I’ve never shared like this and I don’t know how to put any kind of order to it. I want so badly to go to therapy, but I know that my family will be so disappointed. My parents would never approve, despite the fact that I am an adult. I mean I’m still on their insurance and there is no way I can convince them. Even worse, there’s no way I can go behind their backs and do it either.