to be honest i’m not really sure what i’m doing on this site but i’m ust gonna go with it. I’m not trying to sway anyone into my thinking or anything this is just my own experiences and opinions. So I’ve read a few posts and stuff and it’s kind of strange but i feel like i can relate. People are saying stuff like “oh you won’t do it” and stuff like that but ppl will, they always do and that’s what’s wrong with this site. you shouldn’t test ppl. I’m just hoping to get some advice on how to kill this shit before myself. Your probably thinking she’d never do it. I’ve tried 3 times in the last 6 months. nothing worked. it’s practically a fucking medical miracle! i’ve overdosed heavily. see my reality is that i’m really well known and popular, my profession has me that way. everybody around here “knows” me but they don’t fuckin know me. my friends dont even know me. but i have this best friend. we literally spend every opportunity hanging out she’s great. but once she finds out i have a mental disorder and i’m not actually in reality the best fun all the time and i’m in deep shit she just becomes numb. we never talk about anything it’s like ive lost a friend. but have i really ever had a friend if i was pretending to be someone else all the time? it’s fucking sick. i swan around uni every day with a big happy smile and chat shit to everyone then go home and harm! i cant deal with this shit anymre. my parents are sending me to every psychiatrist they can find. i’m so miserable. i broke up with my boyfriend cos i ddn wanna hurt him with all this shit. i never tell anyone whats going on. i’m going into a rehab centre soon and it’s my last hope. i can’t kill this cancerous like shit in my head without taking me with it. everyday i get more unstable and irrational. i cant control my emotions or feelings. playing a waiting game here. fuck everyone. ppl are so obsessed with their own lives and i get it, everyone wants to be the star of their own movie blah blah blah but you need a fucking cast. like i’m always there for my friends when they’re crying over lollipop drama like boyfriends and bitches. but i cant tell anyone, if word got out i’d become an outcast. i dont wanna go into detail about why i’m like this but lets just say i had a bad childhood. i’ve been drinking so excuse the lack of order. giz a shout if you think anything from this. please dont give me abuse i’m emotionally unstable haha cheers.
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I can relate, going around all day doing what I must to get by and then arriving home and feeling alone, fake, nothing….
When interacting with the world we all develop various personas to get by and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s a physiologically reality as we present the many roles we are asked to play, son, daughter, brother, sister, partner, friend, student, mother, father… The problem arises if we identify our Self with a persona. The fake smile only becomes fake with our thinking.
No smile can ever be totally fake.
When it comes to depression it is very difficult for friends and family to help as they are often so invested in our wellbeing that it impacts their own.
This is why third party help can be so affective as they are more likely be able to hear what you’re saying and reflect it back in a way that provides you the opportunity to better understand yourself.
Only with a better understanding of our selves and taking responsibility can healing begin.
This may sound strange to you but having access to professionals may be a great opportunity for you.
You already have quite the story and though the road before you may be long if you endure something tells me that your life will succeed and surprise you in ways you haven’t imagined!
Perhaps helping others that find themselves in the same place you find yourself today.
some quotes that came to mind when I read your post
“Inside each of us resides the truth,†I began, “the absolute truth. But sometimes the truth is hidden in a hall of mirrors. Sometimes we believe we are viewing the real thing, when in fact we are viewing a facsimile, a distortion.
I am reminded of the climactic scene of a James Bond film, The Man with the Golden Gun. James Bond escaped his hall of mirrors by breaking the glass, shattering the illusions, until only the true villain stood before him. We, too, must shatter the mirrors. We must look into ourselves and root out the distortions until that thing which we know in our hearts is perfect and true, stands before us.â€
― Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain
“And it is clear to Evan, now: the difference between what is and what has been done; the present and the past. He sees that what he does and who he is isn’t based on the past unless he wants it to be… No. That is the past, which has been seen differently through many different eyes and has become hazy and unclear, like a pond when stirred with a stick. Only the present moment is clear and free from prejudice.â€
― Garth Stein, How Evan Broke His Head and Other Secrets
“Lock the sun in a box. Force the sun to overcome adversity in order to rise. Then we will cheer!
I will often admire beautiful sunrise, but I will never consider the sun a champion for having risen.â€
― Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain
You are a sun in a box and we will cheer!